Trapped-n-My-Thoughts

2010-10-21T04:42:00.000-07:00

Today My Baby Turns "2"

I still can't believe that my baby girl is 2 years old. Where did all the time go...it seems like I just had her. I am so excited about today and I can't wait to see her today and give her the biggest hug & kiss. This morning I just stared at her while she was asleep and just prayed...thanking God for her life, and how he has blessed her with good health and a great personality. She is such a joy to everyone who comes in contact with her and I pray that sweet spirit of hers continues as she grows to be a young lady, teenager and a grown woman.

I will be going to her school today to take cupcakes & juice for snack and then family & close friends will come over this evening for homemade(by yours truly) cake & ice cream. Her birthday party will be Saturday and we're expecting 25-30 kids-wow. Its funny because I always said if I ever had kids I would not make a big deal over birthday parties well...I take that back because her birthday would not be complete without a party.

I can't help but reflect back to 2 years ago. My pregnancy was so filled with uncertainty and complications and 25 weeks into the pregnancy, I gave birth to Nina at 1pd 6ozs. That was the scariest time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it...I was losing myself...but by the grace of God, many prayers and support from my family & friends...I made it through(and so did Nina). So today is not only her birthday but a celebration of faith and just how good God is to me. He has made this transition to motherhood something that I can speak highly of and enjoy. And although its not easy, I cherish every moment that I have with her because she's a gift from God.

My baby girl is @ and I'm looking forward to many more.

2010-09-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

Where is The Love????

Ok...I'm not sure what's going on in the air but, this week, I know of 5 couples that have or are in the process of breaking up. I'm beginning to think that something is really going on. I've heard all the stories of cheating, financial problems, disrespect...people just being down right trifling. As for the women, they're just tired. Tired of not being appreciated and treated with the same care that they're treating the man. As for the men, they feeling like they're not appreciated and tired of the nagging, fussing, etc. I'm just listening...and at times offering my 2 cents(if they ask).

So this leads me to wonder...is being in a relationship even worth the headache. I know that I'm use to being in a relationship. I'm not a lady who likes to date all over the place...I don't like to spread myself thin...I'm all for a relationship(if its a healthy one). I don't mind working towards making something better if I think the end result is going to be worth it. But nowadays, people are just walking away and not looking back. What is that all about?

I hear all the complaints from men about their significant other. They don't cook, don't keep a clean house, bad credit, don't keep themselves up, not optimistic, not a team-player...and I'm like where they do that at??? All those things come with just being a woman and being in relationship. These men out here want to come home to a hot meal and a clean house, they want to be able to know that their woman is going to have their back in a crisis, that he can look at his woman and know that she's trying to be the best that she can at work, in church, with her family etc...most of my circle of friends have all these qualities BUT...we all have experienced the man violating and going outside of the relationship and in this day in time where AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and need I not mention just crazy azz broads...its better to bounce. My mom always told me that a good run is always better than a bad stand. But I also sympathize for my male friends who are tired of carrying the load or not being appreciated. I have a great circle of male friends who just keep hooking up with some bad chicks...something is wrong with this picture.

With the weather cooling down, one would think that everyone would be trying to find someone to bun up with for the colder months ahead of us, or just the sake of having someone to build with and share the good & bad things of this crazy world but, it doesn't seem like that's happening(at least not with the people I know). So with that said...where is the damn love???

2010-09-14T10:23:00.001-07:00

Emotions...

I had planned to post something last week but I was an emotional wreck along with not having much time to do anything. My baby girl started daycare/pre-school last week. Tuesday was her first day and I was excited yet very nervous about the whole transition. I love the school...the staff seems very loving and I love the fact that she will be learning something daily. So...my Ganny takes her to a 2 hour orientation last Friday...the purpose was to drop her off, let her play and let her become familiar with the place she will spending a lot of time. She did well but my grandmother did not. She isn't ready to part with Nina(she's had her since she was six months)but she knows its time for her to interact with other kids daily. Tuesday, her dad & I took her and she didnt cry but she looked very sad...I left that building crying like someone crazy. I planned a variety of things to do so I wouldn't go back and get her. Her teacher said she did well.

The kicker was Tuesday when I dropped her off by myself....she cried, I mean...my baby girl cried so hard. I didn't want to leave her but I had too. Needless to say, I cried from the daycare all the way to DC. I know people on the highway were starring at me like, WTF, but I don't care. My grandmother picked her up that evening and they said she did ok except for naptime. So Wednesday, I took her to school early and she performed...I could hear her crying on my way to the lobby...my heart dropped and I cried again all the way to DC. The people in my office were looking at me all crazy. I mean my eyes were puffy...I wanted to just hire a nanny so she wouldn't have to go to school. All my friends with kids told me that its just a process. I hate to see her upset and I didn't want her to have to go through this but...I know its just a moment.

She ended up finishing out the week on Thursday because she got sick. She started running a fever and we kept her home on Friday. Yesterday, we took her to school and she cried again but not as hard as last week. Her teacher said she did very well and I was so happy to see her playing and interacting when we picked her up yesterday. Her Daddy took her today and he said she cried but not as hard as yesterday so...I got my fingers crossed.

I love being a mommy but its the hardest thing I've had to do. Always having someone to worry about is what breaks me down. But I love my baby girl and I will do anything to make her life better. School is where she needs to be...I want her to excel in everything and I want to provide the best for her. One of my main reasons for living and working as hard as I do is to ensure that I can provide whatever she needs and want. My mother didn't have it so good raising us by herself so I want to be sure Nina never has to go without.

This week I'm doing better. Much prayer, the support from my family & friends always makes things better.

2010-08-18T04:27:00.001-07:00

Good Music...Good Feelings

This morning, I pulled out my Ipod and realized that all the music on it is from at least one year ago. I haven't had a chance to download any new music on it plus, I'm just wiping the dust off of it after being in one of my drawers in my home office. I've just had the urge to listen to some music. I normally sleep during my commute but music always puts me in a great mood. When I looked at the menu of albums on my Ipod this morning, there was all of Floetrys music, Jill Scott, Bobby Valentino, Carl Thomas, Jagged Edge...I could go on, but this is what I categorize as good music. None of that mess about screwing my back out, orgies, drug dealing...all the crazy mess that's being played on the radio right now.

I was in a zone this morning while listening to my girl Jilly from Philly. That chick has a way with words that will have you trying to hold back from making a phone call(lol) or even just being in your mental about some things. Each one of her cds creates a different set of emotions in me. When she first came out, I remember being in a crazy situation with this dude...that cd helped me get rid of him real fast(lol)-thanks Jill. The ones that followed was when I was experiencing some real high moments in my life...too much to discuss but her music does it for me. Floetry's music just makes me speechless..I mean, seriously. Me and my girl Ria followed these chicks almost everywhere they were...we were(and still are) some real fans. I hate the fact that they aren't together anymore...they were and still are one of my favorite.

2010-08-17T12:28:00.001-07:00

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

This has been an interesting week...I mean, I'm looking back at a week ago and I would have never thought I would be at such a peaceful place. Prayer definitely changes things and having a spiritual advisor is always good...she has helped me put a lot of things in perspective. Sometimes just having someone who does not have a clue about your situation just sit back and listen to you is refreshing. It has helped me see the big picture in a lot of things that has gone on in my life...not just the present but my past as well. So here I am, in a good place right now. I feel like I can actually smile again, I mean really see the good in all that has transpired. Like a co-worker of mine said, "there are people who are going through and people who are coming out of situations" its just the cycle of life. I'm so happy to say that I'm coming out...going through doesn't work for me(lol).

So him & I sat down and had this very long talk...I mean in depth, cards on the table, feelings on the sleeve, emotions right in front of us...yeah, one of those. It allowed me to not only see what I feel has gone wrong, I actually gave him the floor to express how he felt and I actually listened. I can admit to my wrong doing...its not easy but I have and I know what I've done, I'm not perfect. We both have the same "big picture" and we are going to try our best to make sure we don't destroy what we both have never had in our lives. Our baby girls' well being is very important to the both of us...and our personal issues amongst each other has to be put on the back burner...we love her too much to destroy the opportunity for her to have the best life ever...that simple-wow.

We went to the zoo on Sunday, had lunch at Carmines, went to visit his family and hung at the park so she could play with her cousins. Very nice and simple family outing...very refreshing. I made sure I told him how much I enjoyed our time(working on focusing on the positive and not so much on the negative) and the smile that came on his face was priceless. I mean seriously...he's been so used to me cursing him out, he probably was just happy to hear me say some kind words to him-lol. But I'm putting that behind me and I'm moving on to gaining my peace and tranquility back. It is much needed and I'm embracing it.

2010-08-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

2010-07-30T04:14:00.000-07:00

Helping Myself + Helping Others...

Today is Friday and I'm so glad...a long weekend awaits me and not to mention I won't be back to work until next Thursday. Yep, I'm going to take some time off. I've been promising my grandmother that I would take her to the beach so she can see the sun rise & set and that's what I'm going to do. I booked a beachfront condo in Ocean City(I prefer Rehobeth but I couldn't find a room)for 3 days and I'm taking her, mommy, my Aunt Necce and Nina and my nephew Caden. We're going to leave on Sunday and enjoy some time away for 3 days. I'm looking forward to getting up early in the morning and taking a long walk on the boardwalk and playing with Nina in the sand. I plan to bring my writing material, a good book and some music...that's all I need. The trip put a small dent in my pocketbook but I know that my grandmother will never forget it and my mother and my aunt will be forever grateful that they were able to get away.

My mom has been laid off for over a year and the only income she has right now is the money that she gets for keeping Nina & my nephew Caden, but she's ok with it. She's been wanting to go somewhere but her fixed income hasn't allowed her to do so. My aunt has been dealing with a number of hardships in her life so I felt it would do her some good to get away as well. And my grandmother, very seldom gets the chance to do anything. So...4 generations, all getting away for the first time. I'm looking forward to the conversations and the laughs but most of all, the smiles on all their faces.

This trip is going to do me some good as well. I need to clear my head and getting away always does the trick. I know I'm going to be fine...actually, I feel fine already. Everything is a process and I know that it takes time.

2010-07-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

Anger...Resentment...Forgiveness

I'm dealing with so much right now...but in the midst of this storm, God is still good. I know that getting rid of this anger is long overdue but, I thought I did. So now I'm here, walking around with this load of anger that has made me say & do a lot of things that I wish I could take back but...I can't. Most of it I meant to say...but a lot of it I didn't. I was told that you should never let a person or situation get the best of you where you end up acting out of character...well...I've been out of character for some time and I'm making this promise to myself that I'm going to do something about it. I am on a journey to releasing & forgiving...this is much needed and I'm ready.

First thing I plan to do is continue to pray...it always helps.
Second, I plan to journal...write out all the things that I'm hurt about, why and resolutions.
Third, I plan to seek out someone who is bias and can listen and help me put all of my feelings in perspective. I have plenty of close friends who will listen but because they care so much about me, I know it would be hard for them to put their feelings aside.
Fourth, I plan to make some changes in my life.
Fifth, I will work on forgiving so I won't continue being weighed down.
LAstly, I will start fresh to ensure that I NEVER allow myself to experience this type of hurt ever again.

This is so important because I love my life, I'm a happy person, very seldom do I allow things to get me down and most of all, I have another person to care for. If I'm not all together, how can I be the best mommy to Nina. I want her to experience her mommy at her best.

Today I start my journey...wish me luck!!

2010-06-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

First things first...its hot as hell...I mean really, really hot, especially since my AC is not working properly. I've noticed that the past few days, I've had to put my AC as low as 65 degrees in order for the house to get cool. I know my electric bill is going to be outrageous next month. I have an appt for BGE Home to come out on Wednesday so hopefully they will be able to find out what is really going on.

Rewind.......last weekend was great. Didn't do too much but I did get a chance to get some things done around the house-finally. Father's Day was nice. Nina and I was able to surprise Will with a watch that he's been really wanting for at least 3 years. Its one of those watches that I had to really do a lot of searching for. And not to mention that it was quite costly but...he's a great dad and he deserves it but damn...I was looking at the price like umpf...ok, he doesn't cut costs with us so...along with the watch was a Ralph Lauren shirt that he's been wanting and dinner. Oh, and Daddy/daughter pictures(and one with mommy in it for the family). They came out really nice. He's been wanting pics with Nina for some time so I found the perfect polo dress and shoes for Nina to match his shirt and the pictures came out really nice.

Last weekend was cool. I did what I'm beginning to love so much and that is...chill. It was too hot to do anything and I didn't want to get out and spend money on things that I really don't need so I stayed in the house plus, I had the worse sinus headache for 2 days. I missed my lil sis perform with her group Kirby Lane but I could not get myself together to get dressed and go out so, I slept. I even missed church on Sunday. It was just one of those weekends where I needed to just stay put.

Nina...is...I don't like to use the word bad but, she's becoming to be quite a handful. I thought her Daddy was going to tap her yesterday but I doubt if he ever will. But she is so stubborn(just like him) and when she wants something, she is going to try her best no matter what. On top of her being a lil spoiled...okay, a lot spoiled, its about that time to break her especially with her starting school soon. But I love her so much and I can't imagine ever having to spank her but she's building a case(lol). I took her to work with me on Friday for Family Day. She wore herself out and slept the whole way home. It was good to finally bring her to work so everyone could meet her since they always hear me talk about her and see all her pictures all over my desk.

As for me....I'm feeling great. No complaints, feeling real good about my life. Work is going well(very busy), finances are in order, spiritual life is growing stronger...need I say more(:

2010-06-18T04:46:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning from the craziest dream ever. I can't even explain it but it was pure craziness. Was on time until I gave myself one more look over and realized that my dress was a lil too short for work. Ive seen others in my building with very short skirts/dresses, but I am very conscious about how I represent myself so...it was back upstairs to find something else cool to put on because today is going to be hot. I am so glad that today is Friday. I don't have any concrete plans for the weekend but I need to get some things done around the house and unpack me and Nina's suitcase from last weekend. Speaking of last weekend...

I had so much fun at the beach and so did Nina. The ride to Rehobeth was not a bad ride(2 1/2 hrs)and I love the country roads. We stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and it was off to the beach. I am in love with Rehobeth. Very nice, quaint little shops, very good food and just overall nice. Way better then Ocean City...not really a fan of all the teenagers at OC. Nina loved the sand. She loved it so much that she decided to eat it and put it in her hair. She played in the sand for hours and I loved watching her and snapping pictures. She did ok in the pool too. I think the water was too cold for her and she just couldn't get use to it. But overall, she loved it. Will and I had a chance to do some shopping at the outlets and do a lot of walking. I ate so much junk over the weekend that I knew I had to cleanse once I got home.

I need a few days to just clean my house. I mean, really get down and dust, scrub, mop..all that good stuff. I haven't had a chance to keep my house as clean as I would like with Nina. It is really hard finding time to do things when you are a mommy but I'll get to it when I can...probably when she's 15(lol).

The weekend is going to be scorching so I don't plan on being out too much. I may take Nina to the pool and Sunday is Father's Day so we will probably take Will out to dinner and really...that's it. I don't feel like doing anything.

I miss my Sistahgirlz...we havent all been together since March so we're planning to get together soon for some food and dialogue. I love them girlz...I'm so blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends.

2010-06-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I got up this morning and I slept the whole way into work. I don't even recall if I fell asleep before the bus pulled out of the Park & Ride so that confirms....I was really tired. I didn't go to bed until after 11pm last night because I was up braiding Nina's hair while she was asleep so I wouldn't have to worry about it tonight. Plus I was trying to think of what to take on this trip to Rehobeth this weekend. Speaking of trip...her dad has really rubbed me the wrong way and now I don't want him to go away with us. It amazes me how a convo can go from calm to chaotic. One thing I've changed is arguing with him. I realized that arguing never gets us anywhere so I've changed the way I handle him-but it doesn't seem to work all the time.

It started with him coming down last night and Nina not responding to him. She was very sleepy and all she wanted was a bottle and her mommy. I wasn't sure whether it upset him or not but from the conversation this morning, I think it bothered him. It boggles me that he doesn't hear me at times or if he does, he doesn't trust that what I have to say is genuine. Needless to say...our early morning convo did not go well and I end up telling him that he might need to consider staying in the area if he's going to have an attitude. My goal for this weekend is to get away, enjoy a nice change of scenery, play with Nina in the sand and at the pool and get some much needed chill time. I don't know how that's going to work out with him being there if there's animosity. So...we'll see how this plays out. I have my sister, one of my besties and even my mom on standby to go with us. If it wasn't for the drive being 3 hours, I wouldn't be concerned about anyone else but...3 hours is too long for Nina & I to be on the road by ourselves.

I plan to go home tonight and finish packing and get my house cleaned. My aunt is planning to come and stay at my house because she's been going through a lot and just needs a change of scenery as well. I was more than happy to offer my house so I want to go and home and make sure its all clean for her. It seems like everyone is going through one thing or another. I guess that's the way life is...everyday can't be a good one but its our job to make the best of it.

TGIF...I'm so happy that the weekend is here and that I have a long one. Looking forward to my weekend away. I'm going to bring my laptop because once Nina is asleep, I plan to sit on my balcony and watch the sunset. I may even get a chance to work on some writing. Whatever I plan to do, I just can't wait to get to the beach...I really need this getaway.

2010-06-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

"A thoroughly sinful man cannot get along with a perfectly holy God without one of them having a radical change of character, and we know God isn't going to be the one to change. He can't. It must be us."

This quote really sat in my spirit today(in a good way) and it just made my heart happy when I read it. My co-worker and I went to a book fair and purchased, The One Year Walk With God Devotional by Chris Tiegreen. It is 365 daily Bible readings to transform your mind and it is really a nice way to get the day started. The quote stuck out because me and one of my sistahgirlz were talking about how transforming your life and the way you think and making God a priority is the only way to a wonderful life. So this quote was confirmation.

All is well with me...I'm feeling great, looking great and just enjoying life. As always, my baby girl is my inspiration and my reason for working harder and becoming a better person. She's growing up so well and I'm trying to hold on to every special moment with her because before I know it, she will be a lil lady with her own agenda. She's starting to talk more and just getting more inquisitive each day. It just amazes me how such a little person can bring about such a big change in a persons life. She did very well on her first plane ride to Florida and now she will be having her first beach experience next week when her Dad & I take her for 2 days. I already purchased 2 bathing suits with matching coverups and her shades...she has to stay fly all the time(lol). Next month will probably be a trip to Sesame Place and the zoo is also on the list of things to do. I thnk her Dad is more excited than I am. We went out and bought her a portable DVD for the car and she loves it so she's all prepared for any road trips.

I just started working back out again. My mother's day gift(an elliptical) finally arrived and last night I broke it in. I was done after 15min...my body went into shock. Its been 2 years since I've really worked out and although my body is still ok, I want it back to how it was 2 years ago. Its not about what I look like, but what I feel like is very important and today I'm actually feeling good. Working out has always made me feel great, sleep better and I'm not going to mention what it does for my drive(lol).

Work is going great. My co-workers are the best and my UC is a great manager. Its always good to work with a team who compliment one another and that's what we do. I'm up for a promotion soon and boy do I need it. With Nina going to daycare in September and the fact that I will be looking to purchase a new home in the next 2 years, I need all my money. I love my house but with Nina, more space is needed and a bigger backyard is a must.

Other than that, no complaints...life is great.

2010-05-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

So far this has been a good week. I took off on Monday because I had an OBGYN appt which was canceled for the 2nd time. Since I knew I would be off, I scheduled 2 more daycare interviews and I think I've found a daycare for baby girl. Even though she won't be going until September/October, I have found a few that I like but her Dad & I like one in particular. I will be calling them back this week to give them the ok. I feel nervous yet excited about Nina going to daycare. I still can't believe that my baby will be 2 in less than 6 mths. It still seems like I just had her.

The weekend was very busy but I got alot accomplished. My carpet was installed Saturday morning. They were there by 9 and finished by noon. My girl Nellie came up and helped me get my house back together. Will & I did some running around to prepare for the cookout on Sunday which Nina was going to meet her grandad and the rest of her aunts & uncles on her daddy's side. It was interesting but overall, turned out to be a nice day.

Work is very busy especially now that Ms. T has retired. My workload is already heavy but it has gotten really heavy now. But I'm not complaining...I luv my job/what I do. Plus, I'm up for a promotion-I need it. With daycare expenses getting ready to start, I'm going to need some more money and Nina is becoming more expensive daily.

I'm excited about going to Florida next weekend. This will be Nina's first plane ride. I'm looking forward to that chill time and the tropical weather. I'm praying that she does well on the plane because I dont want her to be making folks mad.

The weather is beautiful(even though its hot)and I'm loving the fact that I can take Nina for walks in the evening. Last night, we walked to Target(approx. a mile)and she slept the whole way back and didnt wake up until this morning-wow.

2010-04-19T05:03:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Weekend

This weekend was perfect. I made a promise to myself that I was going to get some thigns done around the house, and I did. I didn't get a chance to complete everything, but I did get rid of a lot of clutter. I had planned to start Friday night, but as soon as I laid down with baby girl to put her to sleep, I was right along with her. When I woke up, it was 12:30am. I guess my body was telling me that it needed rest.

Woke up Saturday morning and ran a few errands when I realized that the pollen was too much for Nina. Her eyes were puffy, she kept sneezing and her cheeks started turning red. I quickly went back to the house and that's where we stayed for the rest of the weekend-we even missed church. I began washing clothes, cleaning out her closet getting rid of winter and too small clothes, and getting the house prepared for the paint & carpet job this week coming. On Sunday, I slept in and as much as I wanted to go to church, I decided to stay home and chill. I organized my cds(I didn't realize I had so many) and again, continuing to get the house prepared for it to be painted and carpeted.

I'm looking forward to some of the home improvement changes I have planned. I haven't been able to do anything in the house for a minute, so I'm looking forward to my mini-project.

2010-04-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Rambling....That's What I Do

Today I'm feeling GREAT!! Actually, I've been feeling this way for quite some time-thank God. I've put a lot of things in perspective and realized that each day that I live, is going to be a good day. Bad things may occur throughout my day but I won't allow anything to consume me. With that said, life is good and I'm walking around feeling real light. My burdens have been lifted, my head is semi-clear and my heart is no longer heavy. I prayed about it, God answered and now I'm good.

Last weekend was my girl Ria & Byrons wedding...it was beautiful. The both of them looked so happy and it showed through the smiles on their faces. I've been rolling with these 2 since the day they met...been routing for them and I'm finally at ease just knowing that they're husband & wife. I'm watching them...keeping my eye on them to set the example for us young folks who may have put love on hold for a minute. I now feel like everyone is looking at me sideways like I need to be the next one to get married. I've never been a follower...so I'm in no hurry to get married because most of my girlz have jumped the broom. I can wait for a ring, I want my love life to be right. I guess that comes with me being such a planner and/or always wanting things to be done right. I can wait for that type of commitment, especially if it means that its going to be with the person who God has for me.

I'm starting to feel myself again. I've always been in love with myself(some say too much) but I can say that I haven't felt that feeling that I've always felt about myself. Like that 'poppin my collar' type of feeling(lol). The last couple of months I've been staring at myself more, feeling my swag(haha)and just getting that strut(that's what Will calls it) back. Ive purchased a few pair of F'em girl shoes...4-inch platforms and they are so hot. I feel so extra sexy in them and I love the way my legs look when I have them on. Get em' girl(lol).

He's been extra expressive lately. Why does this happen...as soon as I think I got it all figured out, here he comes...why? I know he loves me but why wait until I'm at ease to now want to talk, express and all that break up to make up stuff. I understand that you love us and you want your family...got that...I also realize that you know that once I leave that you are going to be left to really think about all that has transpired in the last 4 years all by yourself. I never intended for him to be alone...I still don't, but right now, its not about him at all...its about me and baby girl and our happiness and well being. I'm not working anymore but I will meet him part of the way if I believe he's ready to fight, other than that...business as usual.

I realized that I don't have alot of time to myself anymore. Baby girl takes up all my extra time. I'm not complaining but its a task just to get a pedicure now adays. I hate leaving her...I feel like she's being cheated already during the week when I only have about 3 hours to spend with her before I put her to bed. All my time is devoted to her and Im ok with it. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 years. Its a good thing that I eat healthy and I already have a nice shape cause I would be mad. I'm incorporating some extra walking in my daily routine because its about to get hot and I need to get back in my 2 piece.

Ok...enough rambling...life is good and I can't wait to get off to get home to baby girl. That's the highlight of my life!

2010-04-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

Life Is Good

I'm feeling great..I mean really, feeling refreshed. For the last few weeks, I've been able to get rid of some of the negative things that were holding me up and taking up way too much of my mind space. I've been talking to God alot and I asked for this peace & tranquility and like always, he came through. I'm not saying that things don't still get under my skin or every now and then I don't want to shake the mess out of someone but I can truly say that I feel great.

So many wonderful things are taking place. This Friday, one of my girlz is getting married. Maria & Byron are tying the knot and I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to experiencing them exchange their vows and promise everlasting love to one another. I feel really good about the 2 of them. Alot of times, I attend weddings and I get this strange feeling like...I'm not sure if they should be doing this but, I know that Ria & Byron are ready. The both of them have gone through so much but they both want & live for the same things and I know that they're going to be the example for black love.

My baby girl is doing great. Every day she impresses me and wears me out at the same time. She's walking and into everything. I sometimes look at her and just can't believe that she is mine. I stare at her eyes and I feel her hair and I'm just in awe. I know she realizes how much I love her and she will never have to question whether her mommy has her back, because I will/do.

Her Dad & I are doing ok. I think he recognizes that things have changed. I'm not sure if he's comfortable with it but I think he's happy to know that all the fighting & bickering is behind us(I think). He knows that I love him very much and I want the best for him and whatever makes him happy, I want him to go for it. What I don't want is to feel like I'm not appreciated. My life has changed drastically once Nina came and he needs to realize that I've given up so much to be the best mommy I can for her and he needs to do the same to be the best Daddy. Nothing in this world should be more important than Nina(and me foreal-lol). So, some days are very good and others are just OK, but I made a vow to never have another horrible day with him. Its not worth it. I refuse to argue about a situation that doesn't have a positive solution. Going around in circles about issues that aren't going to change or people/things that he allows to hold us up...not happening no more. Again, I think he recognizes the change.

Overall, life is good. My relationship with God is growing stronger daily. I love the calm that has come into my life. I'm happy with my semi-boring life now. Work, Nina, sleep and extra curricular activities when I can fit them in. My sistahgirlz always have my back and always available when its time to have girl time. I don't know where I would be without all of them. They are the greatest aunts...Nina is so blessed and so am I. No complaints here, just a lot of smiling(:

2010-02-23T03:59:00.000-08:00

Mixed Emotions

For the last few days my emotions have been up, down, left, right....all mixed up. I wonder sometimes if being confused is good? It kinda gives you a chance to appreciate & evaluate the good & bad. So, I'm just remaining still because I try not to make decisions based on my emotions, but what's best for me and what feels good. So right now, going with the flow is working for me.

I sometimes wish I could get in that head of his and maybe I could be able to understand why he does what he do. He realizes that things have changed but his actions are acting as if things have not. I know he loves me and being a family is what he wants but I also realize that he's not mature enough to realize that having your family requires constant work. Not just this week or next week...its an everyday job. Things aren't going to always be fun(as he puts it) or a bed of roses. We passed that stage sometime ago and once babygirl came, we don't have alot of time to "have fun" just the 2 of us anymore, but now we have a responsibility that will be with us forever.

I love being a mommy...the responsibility of it all hasn't overwhelmed me but it has definately changed me. I hear from woman all the time that once they have a baby, things change...especially your relationship. I would say that it has made the relationship stronger but at the same time, it has brought out alot of issues that we've had to confront. I want my family and I'm willing to fight for it but I need him to step up as well. Money, Gucci bags, jewelry...all those wonderful tangible things that he loves to shower me with is not what I want (or need)...I need him to stand up for me...stand up for his family and say, I'm going to fight until I die because my 2 girls deserve the best...they deserve to have the best man to protect, love & take care of them...that's what I need. Until then...my feelings will be mixed until I'm strong enough to make a firm decision.

2010-02-18T08:04:00.000-08:00

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who broke down "forgiving & forgetting" and I truly do appreciate him taking the time to do so. He explained to me that trying to forget something is harder than forgiving the person. Because the mind is not equipped to dump something that has caused hurt therefore forgetting something is almost impossible. It also has alot to do with the extent of hurt that was caused and the the reason behind it. So for example, if someone hurts me and it was something that I could get over....I will always remember what was done, but I could move on from the situation BUT, if something caused me extreme hurt and especially if it was done repeatedly, forgetting would be almost impossible. And even though I may have forgiven the person for what they've done, every once & a while, the mind will allow that particular incident(s) to resurface. So, the answer I've been looking for is...I can forgive...but the chances of me forgetting is almost impossible.

So, its all left up to me...to start the process of filtering out the bad stuff to bring back the good. I don't think I've allowed it to consume me in my everyday life, but I know there are times when I go off to this place(in my mind) and I start to think about some things I've experienced and I begin to get frustrated.

One of my best friends asked me was I angry and I know for a fact that I'm not angry. So as we started to sort out the particulars of this situation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just disappointed. Disappointed that things didn't work out the way I thought they should; that I'm left to start all over again because the person I trusted betrayed me; that I have to be on pause because I don't want to cause damage in someone else's life; that I have baggage; that I can't express myself because I feel like I'm talking in circles...

So I'm happy that I'm beginning to heal and find the answers to the many questions that I was having a hard time figuring out. Every day is a step closer to tranquility.

2010-02-17T05:14:00.000-08:00

All Over the Place....????

Ok, so I'm talking to this guy and he begins to share a little about himself(age, occupation, background on past relationships, etc...) and once he's done, he ask me to do the same. I begin with my age, occupation, me being a mommy...and then the infamous question comes..."Why is such a beautiful lady who appears to have it all together on the market?" I thought I was ready to answer but found out that once I tried to explain, I became tongue tied-wow.

I begin to give him a a little background about my past relationship and how now I think I want to meet new people, yet, I'm not sure if I'm ready to date; or I'm not sure if I have time to start something with someone else; or, I'm not sure if I'm interested in sharing my world with someone new now that I have a daughter; and the fact that her Dad is still around, I don't know if the situation would be comfortable...I was all over the place. It was complete silence on the other end. I felt like I had just messed up on a real good job interview(lol). He begin to chuckle and he told me how he is ready for a relationship(not neccesarily with me beacuse we just met) and he realized that dating multiple women is not what he wants to do and he's on a quest to find his queen. He then asked me, "do you still love your ex" and "what are the chances of a man getting involved with me and my ex decides that he wants his family back, what would I do" and I was like...wow. I was tongue tied once again and I felt terrible. Those questions, I thought would be easy to answer, but once I was asked, I realized that I had a difficult time answering.

I told the young man that we would have to finish this conversation another time when I had my thoughts in tact. This is the first time I think someone has left me questioning myself(about this situation). I think I know what I want and what's going on, when I think I don't or either, with everything happening so fast, I haven't had a time to absorb it all.

I need to regroup.

2010-02-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

Come What May....

When its good, its damn good, but when its bad...oh lawd, its the worst. Once again, I'm battling with myself, my feelings and trying to figure out what I want to do/what's best for me. I'm a work in progress, taking one day at a time is all I can do. So, I'm ready to move on...not neccessarily with someone else but I want to get as far away from this situation as possible. I know its going to take time so I have to go through the motions before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kinda see it, just a little, but I know I'm approaching it.

So we talked last night and all went well until he wouldn't 'man up' to his wrongdoings. That sucks. Just admit that what you did was wrong and be done with it. I don't need to hear your disclaimer as if you really warned me that in the long run, I would be hurt. Who does that? So I think we got somewhere...I think I'm clear on his motives and where he stands, but I don't think he says the same thing. He just doesn't get me. Went to bed with a load lifted and I began to pray that God would remedy this confusion.

2010-02-04T12:04:00.000-08:00

On The Fence

Its time to move on...but I don't know how too. I realize that my feelings have changed and my heart has sent me signs that its ready and can handle what's to come, but I just don't know how to begin. There are so many things in the way of me moving on and I guess I haven't sorted out the best way to handle my exit. Do I abruptly shut it down or do I ease out slowly? I feel like all the signs that I need to get, I've received, so I'm left wondering...what do I do now.

I feel peaceful...at least I think I do. Well, for the most part, I think I'm finding peace. I haven't had it in a long time but finally, its starting to appear and I'm happy. I sleep good at night, my heart doesn't ache anymore, my nerves aren't on edge...I'm finding peace. I just want this to be over or at least I want to be able to let the past be just what it is and I'm ready for a new beginning.

But I feel bad(a little). I think should try, for the sake of my daughter to fight a little harder...but I don't think I have any fight left in me. I've become someone that I never thought I would...I'm not pleased. At one time I felt I was at my best, but its funny how someone else's actions can cause one to turn into a stranger. There were somedays I would look at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was that was looking back at me. Nowadays, I know who I am, I know what I want & I know what I deserve. I can't continue to live this life of wondering where my place is, where I stand and what's my worth. I know I'm a great woman, designed by God, a great mother, a great friend, hardworker, God-fearing, sensitive, ambitious, optimistic....I am worthy of the best. I've been settling for too long.

So I'm on the fence and I pray one day soon that I'll be able to get across. I have hope in my heart and I believe that God is working with me, allowing me to gradually take my time but showing me that there's light at the end of this dark road. So even though I'm on the fence, as long as I have peace, I don't mind straddling for a few.

2010-02-02T11:53:00.001-08:00

Forgive...Forget...????

How do you forgive? That question has been sticking with me for some time. I know that to forgive is to give up resentment and/or grant relief but how do you move on after you've forgiven someone even though you can't forget what they've done? To forget something is to act as if it never happened; to lose rememberance or to be unable to recall something that happened. That is so confusing to me. In life, when things happen, you can't just act as if it never did or if you do act as if you don't rememeber, at sometime, you will recall what it was that was done to you to cause you to hurt.

So, I'm dealing with this right now...I honestly want to move on from the hurt that I've experienced but I can't seem to forget what happened. I know that I've forgiven but its still hard for me to forget...actaully, its very difficult for me to put the various things away as if it never happened. So I've prayed about it, I've talked to people who have experienced some of the things I have and they don't have an answer for me either.

Is this even possible?

2010-01-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

Its been a Loooong Time

I have been so busy that I haven't found time to blog. Writing is one of my favorite things to do so I really don't want to fall off. But being a mommy has me so busy. Its hard to find time to just sit still and write, but all that is going to change. My goal is to start putting aside some time for me. Nina is just 15mys old and I know that the older she gets, the busier I'm going to get. So, I'm about to start takinig some time to do some of the things I love and need to do. I have people who are willing to watch Nina for me so I'm going to start opening my mouth and asking for an hour or 2 to do some things that I need to do.

The new year is here, 2010. I'm not a person who makes resolutions but I do like to look at the new year as a mark to start something new and/or make some necessary changes. 2009 was a rollercoaster year for me. I was a new mom and Nina came home. I was able to be off with her until May and returned to work. My job had completely changed because while I was off, there was a reorg. But it all worked out and I still love my job and love what I'm doing(even though its so much more work). Nina had her first birthday party which was a blast and she also had her first 'official' Christmas(the year before she was in the hospital). The New Year was nice & quiet. Me, Nina & Will chilled at the house. My girl Nellie came up and we had some light food & some wine. I was sleep by 12:15.

Thus far, this year has brought on some serious challenges for me. I've been working on a few things within me to become a better person and at the same time, not allow people to take advantage of me. Its hard sticking to your word sometimes, but with life, everything can't be always what I want but what I need.

Nina is growing up...I kinda want her to stay a baby but at the same time, I'm looking forward to her becoming a little lady. She is the best baby...nothing matters to me as much now that I have her. Issues, drama, things that get on my nerves don't matter as much anymore...I have something bigger & better to worry about. My goal is to start blogging again...I need too, its very therapeutic.

2009-10-19T06:42:00.001-07:00

Nice, Rainy & Relaxing Weekend

What a wonderful weekend. The weather was so nasty. It rained for at least 4 days straight and I was so looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. With the exception of having to braid hair Saturday morning and taking Nina to her cousin Chase's b-day party, my weekend was very relaxing. Nina & I stayed in our pj's. Nellie came up early Saturday morning to sit with Nina while I did hair & later that evening, me, Nina & Will chilled. Sunday, I slept in...the rain was sounding too good and I did not want to take Nina out in it. We layed around most of the day until around 5, then we went to Marshalls. The rain cleared up and Nina was being very hyper so I decided to get her out of the house. We ended up going to visit Mommy and ate dinner with her & Biggie. Nikki ended up coming over as well so that was nice seeing everyone at one time. Nina ate mashed potatoes , broccoli & rolls. She was stuffed-lol. Came home, showered, bathed Nina & got ready for work. I will be off on Wednesday because it will be Nina's first birthday. There is no way that I'm was coming to come to work on that day. I'm getting more emotional the closer the day gets. Her birthday party is this weekend and I'm looking forward to that as well. What started out as a small family gathering has turned into a major celebration. Oh well, she deserves it, she's the best!!!

2009-08-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

Nina's Christening

This weekend was very nice. My babygirl's christening was on Saturday and it turned out so nice. It was a beautiful ceremony and it turned out better than I ever imagined. The devil tried to ruin my day from the beginning but a few hours later, he was defeated as always. My babygirl being christened was very emotiional for me. From all that she went through in the beginning to now being 100% healthy...I can't do anything but praise God for his marvelous work. So many friends & family came out to witness and like always, I was so grateful. Bishop Coates did an awesome job. He spoke on children and what God's word has to say about children & raising them. He also mentioned Nina representing healing beause of all she went through. It was just awesome. My life has definately been changed, I can just feel it.
Its always alot of work when you have people coming to the house & all, but my girls stepped in and made everything happen. Everyone was happy & full so that always makes me smile. I thank GOD once again for his many blessings. He just continues to bless me over & over & I'm so grateful.

2009-08-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

Here I go again...all over the place with my feelings & emotions. I have alot on my mind...alot of decisions to make just not sure how to go about doing them or in what order. Today is Friday and I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nothing concrete on my agenda but just a few things I need to do. I have no clients tomorrow so that menas that Nina & I will get to sleep in-YEAH!!! I love it when her and I can sleep in late and play in the morning.

I'm in the process of trying to find somewhere to take a mini vacation. I'm considering somewhere on a beach not too far. I'm working on getting my finances in complete order and I'm almost there so I son't want to spend too much money. But I do need some time to unwind and kick back. I plan to take Nina with me so we won't be gone to long.

I'm in a real unusual mood once again. I'm living in my head right now...I amaze myself sometimes. I'm praying for a breakthrough on a lot of matters and I know God is going to work it out, its just going to take time. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying life and staying on my toes; watching what's going on over top of me, around me and even below.

I hate when people think they're getting over on me. It really bothers me when people think they have me fooled...silly. I'm such a bright individual and I can detect when something is going on and I'm such a detective...if I'm looking for something, I normally find it with no problem. And strangely, sometimes it just falls in my lap....lol...I keep my eyes & ears open at all times just so I won't be caught slippin.

So today is Friday, I'm remaining focused cause its just in my DNA. I have so many things I'm ready to make happen but I have to be patient(something that's very hard for me).

2009-08-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Rambling.......

Been in 2 meetings already and I've only been at work for a few hours
I want a new job
I like my job but its starting to become a headache
I want to be closer to home
I miss Nina
I love it when I wake up and I get to spend time with Nina before coming to work
Her smiles make my heart jump
My grandmother is the best
I'm so glad she's able to care for Nina while I'm at work
I worry too much
I wish I could hit the lottery and be a stay at home mom
and write books, bake cakes & do whatever the hell I want all day
I hope my mother is having a great time in Atlantic City
I hope she finds a great job once she starts working again
I love my girlfriends
I wish we could spend at least one whole day, once a week together doing whatever
I love being a mommy
One day I want to be a wife(that's how I feel today)
I miss that overwhelming feeling of being in love
Sometimes being in a relationship is too much work
I'm so focused on being Nina's mommy and ensuring she has the best life
I'm working on not letting nonsense consume me
I'm an amazing catch(at least that's what I'm told)
90% of the time I feel so sexy
I love looking at myself
I love my skin tone
I'm glad Nina is a chocolate baby
My sister will find out what she's having next week
I can't wait...I hope its a boy
I'm tickled about us being mommy's
I need to clean my house
I can't find the time to do anything
but I'm ok with it
People who complain all the time blow me
I need my truck washed
Need I mention how much I LOVE my new X5
I hate putting gas in it but I love the ride
I wish I could get Facebook at work
maybe that wouldn't be a good idea cause I wouldn't get any work done
I love having dialogue with men...they give the best advice
Some of my best friends are men...they keep it real with me
Why do they think no one is good enough for me?
But when they talk about themselves, they wouldn't be any good for me either(lol).
I have too many shoes
I wish I could give them all away and start over
I want to repaint some of the rooms in my house
but I would have to hire someone because I hate painting
I'm hungry
I have some leftover Shrimp Fried Rice and I don't really want it
its to nasty outside to go out plus I can't think of anything I really want to eat
Can't wait to go home and see my babygirl
I love her so-ooooo much
I need a vacation
I think I'm going to take a mini one in September even if my funds are tight
who cares, u only live once
I want to wear this new bathing suit I bought last year
I feel like dancing
93.9 is pumpin Biggie
I can picture myself on top of a table grooving
I can't get the picture of the sun setting in Cancun out of my head
I guess that's where I need to be trying to go soon
Nina will be 1 in 3 months
Time is flying now
I enjoy watching her grow
I want to do something
I'm contemplating if its a good idea...lol
I think its a great idea....I think(hahaha)
I'm done...

2009-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

State of Relationships...

This week has been one hell of a week as it pertains to relationships. At least 3 people I know are going through breakups/seperations from their mates. I just wonder if being in a relationship is even worth the energy sometimes. Putting my own relationship aside, I've been talking to friends who are struggling with starting their life over after a lengthy relationship, friends who are dealing with the shock of finding out their mate was cheating on them, friends who realize that their marriage cannot be salvaged...so many relationships that are in trouble. It leads me to wonder if it is safe to put your all into a person. We all are human and we're going to make mistakes, but to continuosly make the same mistakes over & over is uncalled for.

One of my friends recently found out her ex is getting married to his "jump-off" and that is so disturbing. How do I console a friend after something so tragic...it is very hard. I don't know the right things to say because I'm very angry and I want her to be able to express how she really feels without hearing me curse & tell her how awful the man she still loves is. This is all craziness...

I also have a friend who wants to be in a relationship so bad. She feels like she's missing so much but I always explain to her that its hard work maintaining a relationship. And for her to be grateful that she has this time to get int o herself and wait for God to send her the man he has for her. That's the key, "wait for God" because in this day & time, I wouldn't trust anyone who I didn't feel was sent directly from God.

I'm going to continue this blog later because I'm still fired up and I can go on and on.

2009-06-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmingly Blessed

I woke up this morning feeling extremely good but most of all blessed. Not sure why exactly but I know that once I got up, I felt so good. As I began to get ready for work, all I could think about was just how good God is and how he continues to bless me over & over & how I never want to take all that he's done for me for granted. With so much going on in the world & my own personal life, I have so many reasons to be thankful. My life has been good...overall, I have no reason to complain because God has been that good. Not to mention when I wake up to my precious baby girl Nina, I get filled up as if I just had her yesterday. She is EVERYTHING to me and I know God would've never blessed me with her if he had not thought I deserved her. She's my miracle baby and based on what she went through early on, I know that God is a healer, a miracle worker and he answers prayers. Once I dropped her off to my mother, I began to thank him once again because my mother is the best. She doesn't hesitate to be there for me and getting up at 5am in the morning to get Nina without complaining just makes my heart happy. This morning when I called her to let her know we were on our way, she was up & ready to get Nina just so I can get to work early. She is dealing with her own personal issues, especially being laid off but still manages to kick in and be there for my sister & I and every chance I get, I tell her "thank u". Once again, another reason to be so thankful because God didn't have to give me such a compassionate mother. And my Ganny...I get filled up every time I talk about her because she is 72yrs old and she cares for my baby everyday. Its something that she said she couldn't see herself not doing but once again...to be able to come to work and concentrate on providing for myself & Nina and not have to worry about her well-being is nothing short of a blessing. Most people aren't able to see their grandparents living but I have both sets of grandparents and Nina has great-grandparents on both sides.

As I sit here and read about the victims of the Metro crash, my heart is heavy...everyday I'm commuting along with my friends & loved ones and that could've been any of us. Everyday is an honor to be able to wake up and have another chance at life. God provides so many of us the opportunity to become better people and I thank him for opening my eyes to so many things, which has allowed me to appreciate life, treat others better and just be an overall positive person in this crazy world.

So today, I'm overwhelmingly blessed, grateful, thankful, etc...I can't say it enough, God is so good.

2009-06-03T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so Blessed

Once again, I realize that I'm so blessed. God continues to show me over & over again that he will always look out for me. And even during times when I may not understand why certain things happen, if I just keep still, he'll confirm how great he is. So, I want to give a shout out to the greatest man...GOD...for continuing to send an abundance of blessings my way.

The last 2 weeks has been crazy. I got in a car accident and the man who rear-ended me totaled my car. I was so not prepared to get a new car right now, especially with me just returning back to work. Thank God for great credit and the fact that I kept my car in such good condition because I'm now able to put a nice down payment on the car of my dreams...BMW X5. I've been screaming about this SAV for years and this weekend, I will be picking it up. Not only that, I'm able to have affordable payments so that has eased alot of the stress of me thinking I would be living paycheck-to-paycheck. I also thank God that Nina wasn't with me when the accident occurred and that I wasn't hurt too bad. I was sore for a few days & from time-to-time, I get a little uncomfortable, but overall, I'm good & it could've been worse.

Work is going ok. It just seems like its so much to do now that I'm back to work. Schedules have been working out with getting Nina to Ganny so I can't complain. Will & I have been working well with getting her to & from Ganny and my mother is a big help as well. She was recently laid off but once again, she's able to be around to help out with Nina and now...soon to be my nephew or niece who will be here sometime in December. So many things are going on and God is right in the midst of it all...doing what he does best-BLESSINGS!!!!

Ms. Nina is doing so good. Just growing up so fast, the time is just getting away from us, She's now flipping, grabbing everything, trying to stand up and getting so fat. She loves to eat...and we love feeding her. Being her Mommy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Everyday that I look at her, I can't help but thank God for blessing Will & I with her. We love her so much. She's changing everyday...and she's so much fun. Will & I are always fighting over her. I hope she knows that she has 2 parents that simply adore her.

Another week is here and once again, I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nowadays, it doesn't seem like there's enough time in the day to do everything I need too so I look forward to the weekends. Once again...I'm so blessed!!!!

2009-05-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!!

Yay.....I'm so glad today is Friday. I'm so looking forward to the weekend to do whatever..or maybe nothing. I know that I'll get to spend all my time with Nina, I miss her so much during the week. It always feels like our time is rushed once I pick her up in the evening. My plans for this evening is to get some cleaning done around the house. I feel like I'm neglecting my house but I just don't have the time to stay up on it like I used too.

I've decided to stay at my house for another 3-4 years. I figure I do some improvements/changes to the house and in the next few years, I can buy a bigger home with a big yard so Nina can get a fly swingset. I'm in the process of doing my office over & switching Nina's nursery to the bigger room. Everyone suggested I do that first but I wasn't hearing it, plus I was pregnant and the thought of switching those rooms over was overwhelming. So now I'm going to switch her to the bigger room so she can have more space once she starts getting around & all. I'm kina anxious to get it done now so I can finishing getting the rest of her pictures hung up and have some more room for all her stuff.

Ramblin:
I'm so sleepy; I have 1 more hour before I can go home; I want 2 cookies from Au Bon Pain; I'm praying that my bus is on time today so I can get home at a decent time; my desk is a mess and I think I'm gonna keep it this way until Monday(triflin); my calender for the summer is filling up with so many things to do & places to go; I'm so happy to be able to visit people so they can see Nina; I will be glad when this weather decideds what it really wants to do; I can't wait to hear how Cyrus trip to the zoo went; I love my nephew, he's the sweetest little boy; I'm wondering if I'll get a niece or a nephew this time around; I can't stop yawning; I can't wait to get home; me & Nina's godmother are going to the new Whole Foods 2morrow & I can't wait; I hope it doesn't rain; I got a new purse yesterday & it is so hot; I wanna go shopping but I don't know what I want....TGIF!!!

2009-05-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

MY 1st Mother's Day!!!!

This is surreal...I'm a mommy. It all became real when my phone starting ringing at 6am and my Blackberry was going crazy with messages. I was like, WOW...today is about me and not only do I celebrate my mom, I'm celebrated as well. Nina & Will got me the nicest cards and my new washer & dryer will be coming soon-YEAH!!!! My sister & I prepared breakfast for mom & Ganny and then Will, Nina & I went to Georgetown for the day. The weather was beautiful and people were everywhere. We also went to the NAtional HArbor and then we went to visit his mother to give her gifts and let her spend some time with Nina. I wasnt trying to deal with the crowded restaurants but we did get to Stoney River Steakhouse later that evening with no problem. The food was fantastic as usual and I was tired. It was a full day but a very special one.

I thank God for allowing me to be able to be a mommy...its one of the best things I've ever done. I'm also thankful for Will being a great Daddy and being so hands-on helping me to raise Nina. I can't thank him enough for all that he does to make me & Nina's life so sweet. I'm most thankful for the most precious baby, Ms. Nina Nicole. She had to fight so early on in her life and that proves to me that she is truly destined for greatness. I couldn't stop thanking her enough for fighting so hard in her early months...I wouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day if she wasn't such a fighter so she's to be celebrated as well. SO now I'm looking forward to celebrating Father's Day, a holiday that I never celebrated but now I have a reason to do so.

I'm still smiling...it was a good day!!!!

2009-05-04T04:27:00.000-07:00

Where Did the Weekend Go????

Its Monday already, I can't believe the weekend is over. I was looking forward to my weekend to spend with Nina and to get some rest...I did both of those things but it just went by so fast. Friday, Mom came over to spend some time with Nina and I did hair. Nina & got to bed around 11ish. Woke up Saturday morning and I held Nina all morning. I missed her this week since I went back to work and I know she's used to having me hold her so, that will be her treat on the weekends. We did absolutely nothing. Nellie came up to visit on Saturday amd my grandmother came over for a few as well. Will came down Saturday afternoon and we jusut chilled. Its funny how we always had something to do but now that Nina is here, chilling in the house is sufficient. Wanted to go to church on Sunday but the nasty weather kept me in. I didn't want to take Nina out in the mess. Watched Cy for Nikki while she went to church and me, Will & Nina laid around for the rest of the day. Did get a chance to wash some clothes, cook dinner & give Nina a bath.

Overall, I didn't do anything this weekend, but that was my plan anyway. I'm back to work for a full week and I'm tired yet thankful to have a job and to be able to live a comfortable lifestyle. Looking forward to my upcoming long weekend & my first Mother's Day. It feels so funny to be saying that I'm a mother but I'm loving it. Don't have any plans for the weekend but I'm looking forward to spending time with Nina and doing whatever it is I want to do.

2009-04-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

BACK ON THE GRIND

I'm back to work(3rd day)...things are starting to come full circle. Nina is getting used to being with Ganny and her Dad & I are working well together with getting her to Ganny. This morning her Dad put her ear to the phone so I could talk to her and she was making all kinds of noise everytime I would say something. It made my heart melt to hear her sound so happy this morning. Its so funny picking her up in the evening, she gives me the strangest looks like, 'mommy where have u been'. My grandmother is loving & spoiling her so much so I know I have my hands full.

Yesterday was my second day back to work...not bad at all. Started with a 4:00am wake-up, shower & just as soon as I began to get dressed...who should I hear playing & cooing..Ms. Nina Nicole. I walked over to look at her and she gives me the biggest smile...dimples & all. What a refreshing way to get the day started. I tried to get her to go back to sleep but she wanted to play so...I sat aside 10 minutes to tickle her, play with her feet and give her nose kisses(our lil game we play). She refused to go back to sleep so every room I had to go in to get ready for work, I took her with me. Even while I was cooking my breakfast, I put her in her bouncy seat and she watched me while I cooked. She's the funniest baby. My mom kept her for me until it was time for her to go to Ganny's at 7am. So Nina & I were out of the house at 5am to my mom's where I fed her and rocked her to sleep before I left for work. I was really missing her when I left this morning but...I always tell her that Mommy has to work so I can give her the world when she's able to ask for it(lol).

My first day back to work was so exciting. President Obama came to my job to speak to us and I thought...what an ideal day to return to work. I was able to get very good pictures of him so Nina can have them in her scrapbook. Everyone was happy to see me back to work but most of all to see me happy & smiling & to know that Nina is great. Everyone can't believe that all my baby weight is gone(which wasn't much). I must admit that its refreshing to not have to worry about losing weight(that would just be another thing for me to worry about). Although I'm looking good, I still don't feel 100%. I havent been in the gym for almost a year. My body is used to that 3-4 day workout but I can't find time. So I continue to eat good & walk stairs as much as possible to keep my body tight.

Today, I'm feeling extra blessed. I feel like I'm floating and I know that God and all his blessings have so much to do with it. He has allowed me to grow more spirtually and I'm not taking anything for granted. A friend of mine told me today that I sound different...he said its something about the way I speak that has him excited about hearing what I've been up too. We haven't talked in over 6 mths and I was catching him up on what's been going on with me since the last time we talked. He was amazed at how strong I was/am through the whole ordeal with Nina but he followed with telling me how he always admired the way I carried myself, how I had a ray of "specialness" when he first met me and how he believes that God has big plans for me...hmn.... This grown man told me that I brought tears to his eyes when we talked...very powerful. He is someone who I admire and to hear him speak so highly of me confirmed that...maybe something good is about to happen...I believe it is. I have so many things that I want to do...and I'm going to make it happen, not only for me but for Nina. Everything I do is for a better life for her...she deserves it.

2009-04-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Countdown...

Its almost time for me to return to work. I've been out of work for a total of 6mths. I would love to stay home a little longer but its time for me to get back into the workforce. I'm so blessed to have been able to be home with her. She was in the hospital for 89 days so it was imperative for me to be home with her once she was released. I went to visit her everyday with the exception of one day when I was sick. So Nina is used to having her mommy in her face. Once I brought her home, it was hard because she was so small but the last few months has been so much fun. She's now over 11pds so my baby is a big girl. We've been to the mall, parks, visiting & shopping. I was looking forward to the day that I could take her out and now that time has come.

I'm going through separation anxiety but I'm so blessed to have my grandmother to care for her once I return to work. I'm going to miss being in her face everyday but at least I know she'll be in good hands. She is going to receive so much love and I know that I can relax while I'm away from her during the day.

God is so good..for so many reasons...this whole ordeal has made me a stronger person. I know that God never left me(even when I thought he did) and he was right by my side through this whole ordeal. Things are so much better now...or should I say, things are GREAT!!!! I'm loving being a mommy, its a feeling I can't begin to explain.

2009-03-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

Catching Up...

Time has been flying. Its been almost 2 months since Nina has been home and the days are flying. I find myself losing track of time and the days of the week. My life is consumed with taking care of her...a full-time job. I'm not back to work yet and probably won't be going back until May so I'm enjoying spending everyday with Ms. Nina Nicole. She's doing so well. My babygirl is approaching 9pds and that is really great considering she was not quite 4 pds when we brought her home. Her appetite is increasing and she is up every 2 hours wanting to eat-WOW.

My baby shower was 2 weeks ago. It was kinda odd to have a shower now that Nina is here but it was the best. Being a person who doesn't really enjoy showers, mine was very unique. My friends & family did an excellent job and I was very pleased. Friends I haven't seen in years came to celebrate Nina's life and Will & I becoming parents. Nina received so many gifts that I still can't find room to put everything-we are blessed.

Will and I are parents...I think we're doing a great job. Now the attention has come back on us...where we stand...where we want to go as far as our relationship. Its hard being a parent and working on a relationship at the same time. I don't know where to draw the line. I know that we have to be in one another's lives for the sake of Nina, but what happens when we don't get along? We cant be selfish towards one another anymore, no more mini-breakups or stop talking for days...we have a child now so we have to be in one anothers lives. I love being a family with him but our lives have really changed and we both have recognized that we have a precious gift given to us from God that we must protect and for that reason, we must always respect one another no matter what.

The economy is out of control. Money is tight but I can say that I'm blessed. God has provided me the opportunity to be home with Nina for a few months. Its such a blessing when everything is costing $$ and I'm not getting paid. God is so good. I don't stress when bills come in because I know they're going to be paid. As long as the mortgage is paid, along with all the utilities and Nina is taken care of..anything else is extra.

Overall, life is good. I'm feeling real good about my life. I'm a mommy and I'm loving it. Nina is a great baby & she brings me so much joy. She has the best Daddy in the world who not only helps me raise her but loves her so much. I have a wonderful family who helps me with Nina and supports me along with my group of friends who are the best aunties & uncles in the world to Nina. I'm so blessed.

2009-01-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

My Life is Changing...

My life has officially changed...Ms.Nina Nicole has been home for over a week and I'm in full mommy mode. Sleep...I can now look back on the days when I took it for granted...now I wish I could get some. I'm enjoying taking care of her...she is so much fun yet so much work. Feedings, diaper changing, Dr. appts...I could go on & on. Thank God for her father cause he really is on his job. I try to tell him as often as possible how much I appreciate him...he is definitely a great Dad. The 2 of us work well together as it pertains to Nina. We both have realized that having time to ourselves or just going out of town anytime we want is over...for right now. Just trying to watch a movie is a major task nowadays. But all for the love of Nina, she needs all of our attention and she gets it.

Everyone keeps telling me that time goes by really fast so cherish these days. I am. Each day with her is a blessing and I thank God for her. Most of all, I'm thankful that I'm able to be home with her and not have to be in a hurry to return to work. I need this time with her because I missed out on so much in the beginning when she was in the hospital. As the weather starts to get a little better, I'm looking forward to the spring so her & I can get out more. This weather right now is too germ infested and I refuse to take her out unless its to go to the Dr. Motherhood is definately a job, I'm enjoying it so far.

2009-01-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl Nina

Baby girl came home today...I was anxious, nervous, excited...a whole lot of emotions going on. I'm sitting here watching her sleep...she looks so peaceful. I love her so-ooo much and I pray that God will cover her and allow her to become a great person. She's had to go through so much so early so everyone keeps telling me she's destined for greatness...I believe it. I'm looking forward to this journey of parenthood...I think I'm going to do just fine. I feel such a calm right now that everything is going to be ok, its just the "first mother" jitters that I hear all women experience.

2009-01-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

Confession...I'm Afraid

I've been dealing with so many emotions the last few days and one of the things that I'm really trying to come to grips with is...being a parent. Now that Nina is here, I feel so overwhelmed. Not because she's a preemie but just the thought of being a good parent to her frightens me. I normally don't second guess myself but for some strange reason, I'm afraid that I'm not going to do well. I'm good under pressure and I do some of my best work when my back is against the wall but lately, I've been dealing with the fear of not doing a good job as a mother. I know I love her and I know that I have so much love to give her but I know that's not enough. I've always only had to think about myself, now I have Nina to think about. Before she came, I never worried about money, now all I can think about is if I'm going to have enough money to support her. I never worried about time and now it seems like there's not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do and be there for her. Its just crazy. I'm not sure if all new mothers go through this but I feel so embarrassed about this whole ordeal. I shouldn't be afraid...but I am. I know that God would have never blessed me with a child if he didn't think I was capable...but I have to confess, becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

2009-01-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

Expecting the Best.....

One of my best girlfriends(Keya) sent me an email, the title was, "A Wonderful Reminder from January 2008". The subject was, Expect Good Things by Joel Osteen. The email came right on time and I decided to keep it in my phone for those days when I need to be reminded of how blessed & fortunate I am. Some of the content that stuck with me was:

"God will meet you at the level of your expectations, if you expect little, you're going to receive little."

"Pay attention to what you're thinking about and make the choice to believe God for good things."

"When you go out each day, imagine there are blessings, favor, increase and promotion in your path."

"Stand strong when trouble comes, knowing that the best days are ahead."

"Expect goodness and mercy to chase you down; learn to raise your level of expectancy and instead of expecting the worst, expect the best.

"Make the choice to start each day expecting blessing, increase and favor and you'll see God do greater things."

And my favorite of them all: "Start confessing everyday that something good is going to happen to me today."

This email has helped me...I mean, it really has helped me to remain focused when things get rough. So I decided that I want to live my life based on the things from this powerful word. Each day as I always do, I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to be living. I thank him for my baby girl, Will, my family & friends and all the many blessings. I've now incorporated confessing that something good is going to happen...no matter what else goes on throughout my day, I'm believing that something good is going to happen. I believe that with this way of thinking, God will begin to allow me to see things clearer and have a better understanding of everything that is going on around me. Regardless of what may take lace, I'm trusting that if I expect good things to happen, they will.

2009-01-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

I'm blessed...I know I am...God continues to remind me that he's never going to put more on me than I can handle. Even when things get tough, he always seems to calm my spirit...I know that its his spirit that keeps me. These past few days have been tough. Sometimes I lose track of time, the day of the week...I'm just living in the moment. I want to get back on track when i feel like I have it together. The past few months have been a journey and everyone seems to be concerned about me. I know that everyone is so used to me being so strong and have things all together, but that's not the case right now. Again, I know God is in control and I know he knows exactly what he's doing...I try not to question his work.

2009-01-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

I never knew that I could love so much...so hard... This little girl is everything to me, I love her so much. I never imagined that becoming a parent could be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm being tested..I want to pass...I'm trying to be patient because I know there's a reason for me going through this experience. I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but I know it will be revealed. I've never cried, prayed or stressed so much in my entire life. THis is so different for me; actually, everything about me and my life has been different since I became pregnant back in May. My reason for living changed the day I found out I was with child. Everything was done in the best interest of the baby, and now she's here and my life has done a complete turn around.

2009-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

2009 is Here!!!!!!

The New Year is here...came & went so fast. So much happened in 2008, but a new year is here and I'm ready!!! My baby girl came home for a few days but we had to take her back to the hospital for a few days, but all is well. She's growing to be such a big girl and we're so proud of her. Becoming a mother is so overwhelming...one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do but I know that God is going to see me through. I had Nina home with me for 2 days I got no sleep at all(lol). Was nervous about her sleeping and was even more nervous when she was awake...I guess that's how its going to be for a while. THis is all new to me. Once she comes back home, I'm ready...for whatever. I already know that it won't be easy and my sleep will be limited, but thank God that I can stay at home with her for a while. I love her so much..each day she's doing something different and showing me that she is a big girl.

This year is starting off ok. Trying to get my house in order and looking forward to growing more spiritually. My relationship with God has definately grown this year. I've truly needed him more than ever this year(especially the last few months). I want so much for this year to be a year of growth. I have so many things that I want & need to happen and I know that God is going to see me through. I want to enjoy life and not just live each day because its necessary. I want to have a purpose, reasons to want to go the extra mile, strength to push further to make things happen...I want it all. I want 2009 to be the year that I can say, "I Did It" and that pertains to whatever it is I want to do. I want to be the best mother...I want to publish a book...I want to truly decide on a career...I want to get closer to God...I want to be a better friend...I want to be financially secure...I want to be healthy...I want to be a positive thinker...I want to reach for the stars.....I want it all. No resolutions here for 2009...I just want to go for it and be able to make it happen.

2008-12-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS..What a wonderful Surprise!!!

Christmas was wonderful. In spite of Nina being in the hospital, it turned out very well. It started with me being a little down on Xmas Eve; just hated that I had to spend another holiday with out baby girl but I got myself together. Xmas morning started with the family tradition of breakfast. When Will & arrived at my aunts, I noticed my mom had a shirt on with what I thought was Nina's face...and it was. Once I started to look around, I noticed the WHOLE family with shirts with Nina's face. When I say the whole family, that included the babies & all. I lost it...I was already emotional but I broke all the way down. I thought it was the sweetest thing they could've done-I totally didn't expect it. They wanted to make sure that Nina was with us so seeing her face everywhere I turned was incredible. It made for a better morning because I was very emotional.

I love my family and in spite of our differences, we always come together to support one another. I will never forget what they did for us and when Nina gets older, I will tell her about what her family did for her 1st Christmas. Once breakfast was over, we went to see baby girl. She looked so cute in her red sleeper & Santa hat. I was so-ooo excited to see her(as always). We spent the remainder of the evening with her and then went to my grandmothers for some food & fun. My lil cousins are so funny. I can't help but reflect back to when they were babies and now they're all teenagers/young adults.

Christmas is over...now the New Year is fast approaching. I have so much to be thankful for. Its been a rough year...alot of lessons learned in 2008 and I'm looking forward to 2009. I'm a mommy now of a beautiful, strong & healthy little girl and that's one of the things I'm most happy about and the fact that she may be coming home with me real soon is even better. As I always say, God is so good and if I ever trusted him before, I definitely trust him now. His power is remarkable and I plan to continue to praise him all my life...he is so good. 2009...here I come!!!

2008-12-23T06:27:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE.......

Xmas is 2 days away...I really can't believe it. I guess I can say I'm ready, I've done all the shopping that I'm going to do and it wasn't much. I'm just looking forward to some time off, chilling with the family, eating some good food and celebrating Nina's first Xmas. I'm trying to get myself built up so I won't be too emotional not having her with me on Xmas. I know she's doing well and that she will be home soon enough. The NICU is having a brunch for the families of the baby's who will be in the hospital for the holidays; I thought that was very nice so I made sure I changed my day off to be there. I think it will be nice to be able to chat with some of the folks who are going through what I'm going through or have been down this road before. What brings me great joy is that I know my baby girl time is winding down and she's getting closer to coming home. She's impressing the folks at the hospital...way ahead of her lil' time. She's a fighter(her Dad says she gets that from him)and she is proving that to us everyday. So with the holidays fast approaching, I'm so blessed for so many reasons. All the superficial stuff doesn't even matter anymore.

2008-12-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

POWERFUL QUOTE

This morning, I came across this quote while reading my morning inspiration booklet, and I had to post it...

"A miracle needs no explanation to those who believe in God; to those who don't, no explanantion is enough."

This confirms what I've been thinking all along, especially lately. So many miracles have been unfolding right in front of my very eyes and I know its the work of God. Sometimes when I try to explain myself, I become speechless because I become overwhelmed...God is amazing!!!

2008-12-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

First Day Back

I made it...my first day back to work after being off for 8 weeks. It wasn't too bad getting up, driving to the bus stop or getting back in the swing of things but once I thought about being so far away from Nina, I lost it. Out of nowhere, I began to cry...I was missing her...concerned that if anything happened to her I was all the way in DC and I couldn't just jump in my car and get to her. Oh my goodnes...it just hit me out of nowhere and I began to cry like crazy. I got myself together after talking to mom and she explained to me that all mother's go through a series of emotions when they have to leave their child & go back to work. And it doesn't stop there, I got the rest of Nina's life to be worried about her: first day of school, prom, college...I'm just getting started. The more people kept asking about her, the more anxious I got about getting off from work & getting to her.

Once I got on the bus, all I could think about is getting Nina and kissing her. I literally ran to her room when I got to the hospital and what was even funnier was as I was driving to the hospital to see her, so was her Daddy. I guess he was missing her too. When I got to her room, she immedidately opened her eyes and began smiling & kicking...she missed me too. Since I've been on maternity leave, shes used to me coming to the hospital and spending hours with her. Today was a bit different because I only had 1 1/2 hours to hold her before I had to get home and get ready for work. I'm already anxious about seeinig her tomorrow. I can't wait to be able to have her home with me. She is going to get so many hugs & kisses. So tomorrow, its back to the drawing board. I will be going back in the office tomorrow and hopefully I can get some much needed work done. But what I'm most looking forward to is seeing my baby girl when I get off.

2008-12-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

Back to the Basics...

Tomorrow, I return to work from being off for 8 weeks on maternity leave. It feels kinda strange returning to work knowing that I will be going back out on maternity leave as soon as Nina comes home. I'm restless...I'm so used to going to bed late and now I have to make myself go to bed so I can get up. The crazy thing is, since I've been home on maternity leave, I'm up every 3 hours pumping...so that whole 'get your rest before the baby comes home' really doesn't apply to me because I'm up already. I'm trying not to focus on how different my days are going to be...bringing my breast pump to work & having to pump 3 times while at work; having to go see my baby girl after I get off(I don't mind) and making sure I spend some time with her; trying to get home and get into the routine of being on a schedule...its all so overwhelming to thnk about but I know I'm going to be ok.

2008-12-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

Time is Flying....Xmas is almost here

Oh my goodness, Christmas is almost here. Everytime I walk in the stores I'm constantly reminded of the fact that time is flying. Of course, in some instances, time is moving very slow for me but, I can't believe that its only 14 days til Xmas. I'm not doing all the shopping & stuff that I normally do. I had already planned not to when I was pregnant & now that Nina is here, I'm too consumed to do alot of shopping plus, with a new baby...money is tight. But it doesn't matter, I have the best Xmas gift I could ever want, and that's my baby girl. Even though she won't be home for her first Xmas, the fact that she's here is all that matters.

2008-12-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today was a Good Day

Like any ordinary day, I go and spend some time with my baby girl. Normally, I sit and talk to her, sing to her and at the end of my vist, I always pray for her. Lately, she's been so alert...I walk in her room and her eyes are wide open looking around. Now that she's beginning to be up more, its harder for me to leave her because I think she recognizes that I'm leaving her once again & it saddens my heart.

Today was a happy/emotional day. Nina's nurse suggested that I give her a bath...not a wipe down, but a bath. I was a nervous wreck. Being that she's still small, I wasn't sure how it was going to work but, it did. Simple things like washing her face, hair & her little feet made me all tickly...I was super excited. She cried for a minute because she had to get used to being in the water but she began to relax and enjoy her bath. The nurse thought that it would be nice for me to experience bathing her because not only would it be another way of us bonding but, I will in fact have to get used to bathing her once she comes home.

I also got the opportunity to feed her(nurse) for the first time. It was so...I can't put it in words. Just to be able to give my baby something that nobody else could give her just confirmed just how happy I am to be her mommy. Her nurse was really excited on how well Nina did with bathng & nursing...she's becoming to be such a big girl. Its still a rough road being the parent of a preemie but each day is getting a little easier. Its so funny, nothing else really matters right now...just being there for Nina is what makes me smile.

Oh boy, my life has changed so much...never expected to feel the way I'm feeling, but its great. I've had to grow up really fast and even though Nina is not at home with me, I feel the load of being a parent already.

2008-12-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

My Baby Girl is the BEST!!!

I am so proud of my baby girl. She is just fighting...and I'm so happy. I just spoke with her nurse and she told me that my Nina has graduated to more feedings, less oxygen and gained more grams. WAY TO GO NINA!!! It always makes my heart happy to get good reports. Everyday is still a struggle for me. I'm always wondering if she's ok and if she's going to be ok. I make sure that I ask so many questions when I talk to her nurses and they really appreciate it when I do. So its been 47 days since Nina's been born and she's now 2pds 5 ozs. She's filling in so much. I remember when I could hold her with one hand, nowadays, I'm holding her with both hands. She's is so adorable...I love her so much. Nina Nicole, you are the BEST, Mommy loves you so much!!!!

2008-12-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

I Love My Baby Girl Nina!!!

Being a mother is new for me. Some days I still can't believe that she's here. When I visit her, I just stare at her in amazement...she's mine...and God has blessed me with such a beautiful little girl. When I hold her, I just can't stop kissing her, smelling, squeezing and staring at her. She's everything to me. Each day she's progressing...growing into a big girl(all 2 pounds of her). This road of being a preemie parent isn't easy, but in the last few weeks it has gotten better. My baby girl is tolerating her feedings, doing well with her breathing, all her bodily functions are working...she's just doing so well. Me & her Daddy can't wait for her to come home and all my friends & family are anxiously awaiting for her to get the opportunity to spoil her. I thank God for my precious Nina....I love her so much.

2008-12-01T06:56:00.000-08:00

Giving Thanks

With so much going on in the last few months, I'm still able to give thanks for everything that God has blessed me with. And even though some days are a little rough, I'm still able to reflect on the many blessings and all I can say is "thanks" because God is so good. With the holidays here, I haven't been truly in the greatest mood due to the fact that I'm dealing with not having my baby girl home with me. But, I think about how she's here, breathing, growing & progressing and all I can do is be thankful for her. She's in the best place right now, getting the best care and all I can do is be grateful.

On Thanksgiving, I was able to enjoy myself a little. I went to visit some family and then Will & I went to spend some time with our baby girl. It amazes me how she recognizes us as soon as we enter her room. It makes my heart so happy when she kicks and smiles for me when I say her name, or how she struggles to keep her eyes open and grabs the tip of Will's finger when he talks to her. These little things are very big to us and I'm forever thankful for God picking her just for me.

My life is starting to get back to normal. I'm feeling more like myself lately instead of a crazy woman. I've been able to take care of some business, get the house cleaned and even start doing some of the things I love like baking. In the next ew weeks I'll be returning to work until Nina is able to come home. I truly miss being productive but I know that I needed to be home to heal.

So many reasons to be thankful...so many reasons to smile...so many reasons to give God the praise...so many reasons to live...

2008-11-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

Things are Getting Better

My baby girl is doing better. The beginning of the week was a struggle for her but she's still fighting. The last few days, she's been doing better on her feedings, breathing and she's even gained a few ounces. I love her so-ooo much...I'm routing for her and I know so many others are as well. Keep up the good work my precious Nina Nicole....Mommy loves you so much!!!!!

2008-11-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Emotional, Overwhelmed, but Trying to Keep it Together

Over the last few weeks, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm home recovering from having my baby and trying to get myself together physically & emotionally. Everyday, I'm at the hospital visiting my baby girl. Its still hard to see her so small but it always gives me great hope when I see her fighting. I love her so much. The life of a preemie parent is a new experience for me and probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I bought a book to help me understand this cycle as well as the terminology used in the NICU by the nurses. I've had the opportunity to talk with some wonderful people who have gone through this same experience and its refreshing to hear them tell me that this is just a moment in time and one day I'll be able to look back and see how I was able to make it through this rough time. Time seems to be moving so slow, I wish I could just fast forward and I could have my baby girl home with me, but I know that this is a process and I must be patient.

I've also wondered why God chose me for this particular situation. I don't normally like to question him but I can't help but to wonder, Why Me? Maybe he feels that I can handle it or maybe he's preparing me to be a support for someone else who will have to go through this as well, I don't know. But, I've been praying like never before because somedays, I really feel like I'm losing it. Today marks 3 weeks that my baby girl was born. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Its still hard to believe that I'm a Mom and this experience has opened my eyes to how much responsibility it is to being a parent. Nina is everything to me. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. I just pray that God continues to strengthen Nina and help her to keep fighting and to help me deal with my emotions and become stronger.

2008-10-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

MY BABY IS HERE!!!

On Tuesday, October 21st, I delivered my baby girl, Nina Nicole Brewster. She arrived at 5:35am by emergency C-Section and she came 3 months early. She weighed
1pd/6ozs & 11 1/2 inches long. I didn't expect her to arrive so soon but for some reason, she decided that she needed to arrive early. The whole ordeal has me emotionally drained but I'm grateful that God allowed her to make it. Now, she's fighting to grow stronger & healthier so I can bring her home. The Dr.s estimate that she will be under the care of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for at least 2 months and although I wish I could bring her home with me, I know she's in the best place, getting the best care. Everyday that I visit her is hard because I hate to leave her. I know she knows that I love her and she makes it known when she squeezes my finger. I never thought that I would be so in love with someone...I knew I loved her the first time I laid eyes on her. Its amazing to feel so much love for someone.
I hear that for the next 2 months, I will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Preemies have a way of having really good periods and they're usually followed by several setbacks. I've always felt that I was a pretty strong woman but I feel like I'm breaking down, but I have to constantly remind myself that Nina needs me and I know she feeds off of my strength so I have to be strong for her. But its so hard. I know that God can do anything and I'm trusting in him to help me to be strong, patient, optimistic & confident and I'm trusting in him to help my baby girl to continue to fight.
This whole experience has humbled me to know end. It also has confirmed that no matter how much you plan, things are going to go the way that God wants them to go. I still don't understand why God has chose me to go through this experience, but I'm assuming that he feels that I can handle it. There are so many prayers going up for Nina. Everyday someone is calling me to let me know that they're praying for both Nina & I and I'm very thankful. Ms. Nina Nicole is my everything...everything I do from here on out is to make a better life for her. She deserves the best and I know that God chose her just for me. And even though during this time I feel like I'm going crazy, I thank God for all his blessings, especially my precious baby Nina.

2008-10-17T09:52:00.001-07:00

TGIF!!!!!!!

Today is the end of a very long week. It always seems that when a holiday falls on a Monday, it takes forever for Friday to get here. I'm ecstatic about the weekend, and even though I really don't have anything to do, just knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow and Sunday if I want too is alright with me.

The weather is cooling off and its suppose to be kinda chilly this weekend(my type of weather) so I'm looking forward to opening my doors and letting some fresh air blow through the house. My sister and I are going to try and get rid of some unnecessary things I have in my spare room and I know she's looking forward to leaving with a bag full of clothes. My sis & I are very close, but now that she has a niece/nephew coming, we have been spending alot of time together and I'm luvin it.

I think I'm in the mood for cooking & baking this weekend so I may make main man his lasagna he's been asking for and even bake a cake or 2. I don't know where all this energy is coming from, but I'm going to embrace it. I'm looking for another good book to read so I'll probably go to the bookstore and I plan to just kick back for the most part this weekend. I'm off on Monday and I have 2 Dr.s appointments so that means my day off will be pretty full. Anyway, Friday is here, my day here at work is almost over and I'm happy(: TGIF!!!!!!

2008-10-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

The Debate....I'm so ready for Nov. 4th

Last night I made sure I stayed up to watch the debate and I'm not sure if I'm feeling frustrated or optimistic. The last debate made me really upset...all the attacks being thrown and not dealing with the issues just made me turn the TV halfway through it. But this time I decided to give it another shot, being that it was the last debate before the election. If I ever thought before, I believe that this whole election is turning into a race war on both sides. There are people who are voting for McCain just because they don't want a black man in office. They haven't taken the time to listen to what his plans for this country is, they just know they don't want a black man in the White House. Now, they're are people who are voting for Obama solely on him being a black man. They feel that just because his skin looks just like theirs, that no matter what his plans for the country is, they're going to vote for him. I believe that people should vote for the person who's going to give them hope as far as finances, education, health care, etc....

I liked the way Obama carried himself last night. It made me feel confident that with all the stuff that he's going to have to clean up after the Bush Administration leaves, that he's not going to let America see him sweat. I'm sure he knows what he has in front of him and I believe that he's ready to take all of it on. On the other hand, I realize that he's not perfect...he has some weak points as well but, I think he recognizes those areas and has a great team surrounding him to assist him . The debate overall gave me a headache...but I stayed up to watch it so I could be sure that I heard the information first hand.

I feel that MCain is afraid that he is going to lose to Obama. The look in his eyes scared me...I thought he would go into cardiac arrest last night. I'm not too sure that he won't have to be admitted if Obama does win the election. I'm going to continue to pray...this world is never going to be the same either way...if Obama or McCain wins. I'm so ready for this election...I'm counting down the days 19 more days.

2008-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Is it Just Me...????

It just seems that everyone is going through something. People are struggling financially, loved ones are falling ill or dying, relationships are crumbling, families are bickering...what is going on? In the last few weeks, I've talked to several people who are just going through some serious hardships. What do you say to someone who's hurting? In my case, sometimes I just stay silent and other times I offer words of encouragement. With so much going on in the world, it appears that people are giving up.

I myself have dealt with several issues but at this time, I'm trying to stay as stress free as possible. But its hard when the bills are piling up and debts still need to be paid; people I care about need me for support; when you're not seeing eye-to-eye with people....just so much. During these times, everyone needs to just try and keep their heads up and keep pushing. Trouble doesn't last always...I'm a witness.

2008-10-14T06:24:00.001-07:00

The Weekend...

Just returning to work from a long weekend and I must say it was nice. Friday kicked off with me going to get a pedicure only to realize that my ankles were swollen. The pedicure felt really good but I think the warm water made them swell even more so...I went straight home & got in the bed to elevate my feet. My diet on Friday consisted of McDonalds for breakfast & pizza for lunch...now I know those 2 things will have to be put on hold until the baby gets here.

My sister came down to spend the night with me and brought her precious stepson with her. He ran all through my house, pulled things out of place & spilled food & snacks everywhere, but I loved it. Will & I got our practice watching what we have in store for us in the next year. Saturday, I woke up with a minor scare(spotting), but my Dr. ensured that I was ok & to just take it easy. So we did absolutely nothing on Saturday. Laid around, got something to eat and watched movies...the story of my life right now. I have never chilled this much in my life but I know that I must do this for the sake of this pregnancy. Nikki & Cy left in the afternoon on Saturday and I really wanted them to stay longer so I could play with him, but they had to go. My girl Nellie stopped up to see me Sat. evening and we had a good time chatting(as usual).

Sunday, I had planned to go to church but those plans changed due to the situation on Sat. I picked up my god-daughter and spent some time with her. We went to breakfast & to the store and rode around talking. She'll be 13 next month so we had alot to talk about. She is very excited about becoming a big god-sister and I plan to let her help me as much as she likes. Sunday aftenoon, we did nothing...chilled & watched tv(this is becoming routine). I don't think him & I have ever been this still since we've been dating. He seems to be enjoying the quiet time & I'm pulling my hair out wanting to hit the streets(lol). Monday 2 of my girls(Tiff & Chelle) came to visit. They haven't seen me since I became pregnant and they were so excited. Its funny to see my girls react to the news and when they see me, its so funny to see how excited they are about me becoming a mommy. I know everyone has been waiting for this day but its just funny to see everyone's reaction. My girl Smiley & I went to lunch after the girls left and then I came home to try & chill.

I luv long weekends...

2008-10-10T05:05:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts

Yesterday was a pretty good day overall. The weather was beautiful and that made the day even better. My normal routine nowadays is after work, I come home & chill and I did just that. I thought I would get out to enjoy some of these last days of warm weather but I opted to chill & finish reading. In the last month, I've read 3 books: E. Lynn Harris new book, "Cooked" by Jeff Henderson and Faith Evans biography. All 3 of these books were good but I must say that Faith Evans, "Keep the Faith" is a must-read. That young lady went through so much and now alot of things that I read about her in the tabloids back in the late 90's has been cleared up. I always loved her music but I respect her more as an artist and a person now that I've read her book.

Also, I began to get rid of unnecessary papers & stuff so I can get the house ready for the baby. I try to do a little bit at a time because it can be overwhelming. During my cleaning session, I came across one of my journals and end up reading it & couldn't put it down. Its so funny to look back on some of the things I was doing & going through. Some things I laughed about, some got me upset and there were even things that made me mad all over again. Although it was "old"material & things that happened in the past, its funny how just reading something can spark up the same feelings you had days, months or years ago.

Today is Friday and I'm looking forward to my long weekend. I don't have any concrete plans, but just that fact that I have the option to do absolutely nothing if I don't want to excites me. This evening I have a pedicure appt. and that's a must even in the cold weather. I don't understand why people feel that they can neglect their feet in the colder months...just because your toes won't be exposed doesn't mean your feet has to be tore up. But I'm the exception(so I've been told), I just like to be pampered...I live for it. Plus I like nice things & look good, so, maybe I'll go shopping this weekend too(lol).

I'm feeling being pregnant right now. Actually, I think I look cute(*wink*). I always wondered what I would look like once I became pregnant & I must admit that so far, I'm feeling it. I admire myself all the time in the mirror & its amazing to see my stomach growing & stretching but I'm still carrying it real sexy. Everyone is threatening me about "blowing up" in the next few months. Well, if that should happen, I'll be fine. I'm going on 6 months and I can still run with the best of them. I'm just having fun watching all the changes occurring & anxiously waiting for my baby to get here.

2008-10-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK!!!

Its been a while since I've had the opportunity to blog. So many people have been asking me what happened to my blog entries, but so much has gone on & not enough time to write but I plan to do better.

For starters, the summer was good. Didn't get the opportunity to go on vacation this year but I did get to experience New Orleans for a week(work-related), so I guess I can chalk that up as a vacation. I enjoyed my stay in New Orleans, the food was excellent, the people were nice and I got a chance to visit the disaster areas from Hurricane Katrina(very sad). I do plan to go back & visit sometime next year so I can really do some touring shopping & maybe some drinking(lol).

I also found out very early in the summer that I was pregnant...yep, I'm expecting a baby in February. I found out late May that I was "with child" and I cried for 2 weeks straight. Not necessarily tears of joy, but tears of shock, excitement, nervousness, happiness....a whole flood of emotions came over me. I didn't share the news with too many people(only the people who mattered) because I wanted to get through the 1st trimester(which I hear is the riskiest). In the first 3 months, I had some complications that landed me in the hospital twice and on bed rest a few times. I began to wonder if waiting until I was 36 years of age was a good idea, but I know that if I had done this 5-10 years ago, I'm not sure if I would've been mentally ready. So here I am, 5 months pregnant, soon to be 6 months...moving right along. I'm getting excited & mentally prepared for this new life of mine.

Its funny how things can happen in life that will cause you to change up your whole mindset. I've been forced to slow down(due to pregnancy) so now it seems that all I have is time to sit and think. I find myself writing more(I needed too), praying alot(always a good thing), reading more(something I had stopped doing) and just not taking life for granted. So, here I am with a new life inside of me, starting a new life, maturing, learning new things...so much.

So for now, that's what's been going on. Now, no one has to wonder anymore, what I'm up to-I'M BACK!!!!!(:

2008-07-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

" Be Careful What U PrayFor..."

My mom has always told me this growing up and even as I get older, she always makes it clear...be careful what u pray for. I'm always praying for & about something, I communicate with God all day about everything. Lately, I find myself at the oddest time praying for things and I must say that God continues to answer. Recently I'm been praying for peace & tranquility and what do u know, I've discovered this calm that I can't even describe. Things that normally bother me don't anymore(or not as much), people who try to get under my skin don't stand a chance, any & everything that would normally worry me, don't anymore so I say, hallelujiah for the peace. There are other areas in my life that I've been praying about and all those things are happening & being revealed to me daily...God is so good. I must say that life can present some very interesting things. One day you think u can predict whats going to happen the next and what happens...something totally out of the norm. Luckily, I can say that lately, things have been good. So many wonderful things are happening for me right now...I can't wait to see how life will be in this time next year...exciting!!!!

Today, I'm tired..can't wait to get on the bus to take a nap before I get home to do my regular evening stuff. The week is going by pretty slow but I'm not going to complain. I have a job, a home, a car, food, money, clothes...alot of things that people can't just say they have so once again, I'm grateful. Oh, need I mention, peope who love me....who are surrounding me with so much love...so much that sometimes I don't even feel worthy. As I pack up for the day, I'm sure that I'll be praying once again...not just for God to make something happen, but just praying, thanking him for who he is in my life.

2008-06-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

TGIF!!!!
This has been the longest & busiest week that I've experienced in a long time. Even though I had Monday off and Wednesday was a training day, it seemed like it took Friday forever to get here so, TGIF!!!!

I have no concrete plans for the weekend except for dinner with the ladies on Sunday. Its been a minute since we all got together so on Sunday, we plan to have dinner at Maggiano's and whatever else we want to do afterwards. So much is going on this weekend. The Afram is all weekend with a very nice line-up, but I'm not sure if I want to be out in that heat. Raheem Devaughn & Chrisette will be at Merriweather, but again, not sure if I want to be in the heat. My house is in need of a good cleaning, and I just don't feel like doing it. I've been on the hunt for a real good cleaning lady but, no success.

I need a vacation soon...my schedule is getting tighter. Next month is consumed with weddings & celebrations. When I say my weekends are all full, I mean they are full. Doesn't appear that I will have much time to do anything for myself so...I'm in search of a few days somewhere to relax, have fun & swim but that can't happen until early August or September.

So much is going on right now(not all bad), the economy is crazy...I feel broke(even though I'm not), my car is guzzling gas like crazy, feel like I can't shop(but that's a good thing, I have too much now), the days are going by so fast, I feel like I'm working like crazy(my boss is retiring on Monday), just life...but I'm blessed and I'm so glad that today is Friday.

2008-06-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hot Weather/Hot Topic

This weekend was hot...I mean , the temperature outside was extremely unbearable. On Saturday, I got up early & did hair and just looking outside made me hot. I had a few things I needed to do but once I finished my last client, I took a drive to Whole Foods, picked up a few things to eat and came home to my cool house. Well all that came to a halt real fast. Main man & I were getting ready to order some movies on Pay-Per-View when out of nowhere, a strong wind came, then the rain, then the lightning and what do u know, the power goes out. Him & I just got quiet like, what now. Being that we have been going through some changes, I thought that watching some movies & chilling would take our mind off of discussing our relationship issues. Well...what do u know, once the power was out, all we had was each other and nothing to do but talk over candles. I was like, come on God, what are u trying to do. But it all worked out. We got a chance to talk(I was hoping the power would hurry & come back on), air out some matters that we keep sweeping under the rug; discussed some new matters that have surfaced and just trying to talk out some things to see where this relationship is going to end up. We needed that...somethings I can truly see clearer now. So, we ended up all night playing cards & playing Solitaire on my laptop until the wee hours of the morning.

Woke up the next morning to no power and a hot house. We end up going to breakfast and to Lowes so he could buy me a generator. I thought that was too much money to be spending but at least my food didn't go bad and we were able to get some cool air from the fan. The power end up coming back on around 6:30pm, just in time for dinner and the game. The house took forever to cool down but I was ever so grateful for power. Now I feel at ease if ever another storm comes through and I lose power. Now I know I got some back-up.

The weekend ended really cool, especially since I had Monday off. I was able to do a few things yesterday and come in the house and chill. The weather has been serious but I hear its suppose to cool down tonight(thank god). So, in spite of all the warm weather & loss of power, me & main man got a chance to talk(which is a breath of fresh air from all the fussing we've been doing lately); got a chance to have some fun like we use too; spend some quality time and just creating that bond that we always had from day one. Relationships are work...I swear...I want to give up sometimes...it can really wear u down but...that 4-letter word...will keep u pushing . So, I guess I gained something out of all this hot weather...a clear mind with a better understanding....

To be continued....

2008-06-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

In Need Of a Getaway

That's what I need right now. I truly think some time alone-but away is what I need right now. Got alot going on in the brain, not enough time to process so I think a short getaway, included with a few spa treatments would do my body some good. The economy is so bad right now so I'm extra paranoid about spending money but I know this would be all worth it. Being home isn't going to do it...my phone ringing, people needing me for one thing or another, finding things to do around the house...I need to be in an unfamiliar place just to unwind...these past few weeks have been hectic.

Today I'm just extra emotional...thinking real hard, crying...for some reasons I can understand, but others...I don't have a clue. I guess this is my moment...I'll get through it. I have so many reasons to be happy right now but there's always something lingering that brings me back to this emotional state. Been praying ALOT lately...really need to...something I do often but finding myself doing g it alot. I know GOd answers prayers, he hears me when I ask him for things but he only gives me what I need & can handle so I'm trusting him as I always do to help me through whatever is weighing on me.

I'm just rambling...but foreal, I need a vacation, getaway, something...

2008-05-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts...blah..blah...blah...

Its been a while since I've blogged...life has just been like a roller coaster these last few months. Alot of things going on. Been doing alot of soul-searching. This life can bring so many different challenges whether it be personal or business. I've been trying to "clear the air" on alot of matters. I really think I'm just overdue for a vacation, but with the economy being so crazy, I'm just trying to make it. But all & all, God is good and I'm so blessed.

I returned back to work from an extended holiday weekend. I truly needed that time off and although I didn't do anything that I said I was going to do, one thing I did accomplish was getting some rest. So, my house is still not as clean as I want it to be; my refrigerator is still slightly empty cause I haven't felt like going grocery shopping; my office is still junky & my spare room is just a mess....I still enjoyed my time off. I'm sure one day soon I'll be able to get all those things done .

My sister Nikki graduates tomorrow. After more than 10 years, she will be getting her degree and I'm so happy for her. Its just the beginning of more things to come I'm sure. I'm planning her a party on Saturday and I'm already overwhelmed of all the people who are going to be attending and I haven't even been to the store to buy one thing...I'll get to it. But I am so happy for her. Go Nikki!!!!! I know how it feels to accomplish something that you have been trying to do for so long so she should be proud. I remember this time six years ago when I was graduating from Maryland...one of the best days of my life.

Summer is fast approaching and as I look at my calender, my summer is basically over already. Every weekend in June is basically booked with Warm Spirit functions, a bridal shower, cakes to bake...and July, that whole month is devoted to weddings, so love is still alive & kicking. I'm hoping that sometime in August I can get away with the girls for a long weekend & me & main man might be able to find sometime to get away too. We need it. Our relationship has been tested for the last few months, but we're still pressing on to make it work. We both agree that we want to work for this....we're not ready to give up on each other so...each day we're working at it...relationships are alot of work...I now know that love alone can't save it, both parties have to want to fight and boy are we fighting(lol). But I love him...thank God for that...enuf said.

2008-04-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

2 Wrongs...Does it Really Not Make it Right???

Its been a while since I've blogged because I've been so consumed with business, personal and everyday issues & matters. So today, an issue that I've been dealing with for sometime has surfaced and caused me to question...do 2 wrongs make a right? Hmn...I do believe in karma and I know that a persons actions to something or someone(I guess both good & bad) will always reappear somewhere in that persons life and a consequence will eventually have to be served but sometimes I can't help to practice..when someone does something to me, I normally like to give them what they gave me. I'm not very good for waiting for that person to receive their "payback" or consequence, I want to be right there while they're experiencing it or I want to be sure that they feel what I once felt a from the result of something they did to me. I know that it isn't right, its not my call but I'm learning to try and not be so vindictive when it comes to certain matters.
Recently, I've been going through a series of emotional breakdowns and I'm realizing that when I feel like I'm giving my all, the results aren't always what I expect. I've been told before that I have very high expectations of others(probably because I have very high ones of myself) and that's why alot of times I get let down. I'm learning that everyone isn't going to see things the way I see them; everyone isn't going to agree with what I think is right; everyone isn't going to live their lives the way I think they should and most of all, life just isn't fair. So, as I go through this period of recognizing that just because someone does something that I don't like or doesn't feel right to me, there's no need for me to turn around and do to them what they've done to me, because it will only make matters worse. I need to trust that God will produce patience in my life and help me to understand that no matter how bad something may be, he is going to take control of the situation. And as long as I'm doing what is right, what someone else does will be taken care of, not by me, but by him so...in actuality...2 wrongs really don't make it really right...it just makes things feel ok for the moment....to be continued.

2008-03-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

My weekend in Atlanta...

Last weekend I went to Atlanta to hang out with my cousin for her birthday. The weekend turned out to be a nice, definitely a refreshing break from being home. Although I normally don't hang out at clubs, I did alot of that over the weekend, but that's what my cuz wanted to do and that's what we did. I realized that the club scene is so not me anymore, but going to them occasionally is ok. I might've got the average of 10 hours of sleep over the whole weekend so I was exhausted when I got home on Monday. I also got a chance to go to a strip club(female) while I was there. I've always been curious as to what goes on in those places, and from what I heard, Atlanta was the best place to experience one first hand. And so I did, thanks to my good friend CR...he took me to 2 clubs. I must say that I was totally shocked to see that the ladies dance in the nude but it really didn't bother me, I actually was studying a few of them to get some moves(lol).

The weather was a little crazy. A tornado came through Atlanta and tore up downtown Atlanta. We weren't really affected except for the occasional rain showers, wind & inconsistent sunny skies. I guess I could see myself living in Atlanta only if I could make the money I'm making here, anything else is not going to happen. But overall, I was so happy to return home to my house, my bed, my own bathroom...just everything about home. Its funny how homesick I get when I go out of town...I'm just as anxious to return home as I am getting to my destination.

2008-03-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

All Over the Place...that's me

I have so much going on right now...I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Although I love to stay busy, I just feel like I'm all over the place. I'm dealing with all kinds of things...projects at the house, side hustles that I'm trying to make happen, pressure on the full-time, relationship issues, family matters...I'm drained. I need sometime to sit down and sort out all of the things I have going on...I also need to prioritize, find out what's most important for me and my life at this time. I know there are things that can be put on hold, but I'm impatient and once I have in my mind that I'm going to make something happen, that's what I set out to do.

Currently, my kitchen is being remodeled. What started as a small leak from my refrigerator, has turned in to me deciding to remodel my kitchen. Its something that I've been wanting to do for some time and I know it will bring the value of my house up so its not a bad thing...just very time consuming & draining(I hate seeing my house a wreck). The project should be done by Friday...now all I can stress about is how I'm going to find time to get my house back in order...uugh.

Me and main man have been struggling for the past 2 weeks. This relationship stuff can be draining as well. I love him so much...am I willing to fight for this relationship...this week, I don't have the energy. We both are trying to accommodate one another's wants, respect each others space, try to understand one anothers differences and still be in love...its so hard. I know how challenging a relationship can be and I'm not the easiest person to be in a relationship with but I swear I've been trying...I've been working for this thing. He's happy with me, he doesn't want me to change, but I feel that I have to, just to be more comfortable so...I know we'll make it, I believe we will...I just have to go through the motions.

Work...I love my job, it can be so challenging at times(that's what I love), but its so hard working for & around people who can't get used to the fact that I'm just as smart as they are and I deserve to be recognized for my talents. The higher I climb this ladder, the more I see that being on top isn't always the best. But again, I love my job...alot of changes will be made in the next few months so I'm sure things will get better. I grateful for being so young and doing so well...so I'm not complaining, I'm just venting.

Side hustles..hair, cakes, event planning...my plate is so full. I'm still doing hair on the weekends, now cake orders are coming in...I love the hustle but my time is dwindling. I still enjoy doing hair and baking cakes is so therapeutic...I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I have to bake cakes, I want to do it because I love too. The event planning is going well...my Aunt & Uncles 50-year wedding renewal is going well. The time is fast approaching so right now I feel like its all coming together...all these side hustles, I'm doing what I love, getting some $$ at the same time...but it can also be draining...but I'm keeping it moving.

Family matters...oh gosh...they are what they are. So much has been going on. All I'm doing is praying and remaining still. I'm learning to not react everytime something happens and realizing that I'm not Superwoman. I hate it when I can't do something to make a situation better, but that's life. Everyone can't be on top...we all have to struggle and go through things...it only makes us stronger.

So, even though I'm all over the place, I know that God is going to see me through and it will all work out. I know that I'm finding myself praying more these days and I thank God for always bringing me peace...I may be all over the place but I know for sure that I'm going to be ok.

2008-02-28T06:03:00.001-08:00

A Nervous Wreck!!!!

This morning at 4:30am, I dropped my mother and grandmother off to the airport. They were flying to Ft. Lauderdale to visit my uncle and his kids...but this was my grandmothers first flight. She has never, in her 71 years been on a plane and she was very nervous. She decided last year that she wanted to concur her fear of flying before she leaves this earth and this year was the year. She suffers from claustrophobia(just like me) and being in closed in places(elevators, tunnels...) is nerve wrecking and scary. Although I don't enjoy flying, I do it because there are places I want to see and in order to make it happen, I have to fly. But this morning, I was a nervous wreck. The look in her eyes when I picked her up said it all, "I'm terrified". When they got to the airport, mommy called to say that Ganny got more nervous so she gave her something to calm her down, but I just received the call and she made it!!!!!! I had a chance to speak with her and she was very emotional, being that she couldn't believe she did it, but she said she was fine and she could do it again. So, my nerves are better....I can finally get my day started now that I know they're safe in Florida and she's fine. They return on Monday, so I'm hoping that that flight goes as smooth as this one. Way to go Ganny!!!!!

2008-02-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

VERY LONG WEEKEND

The weekend was very long. I was so looking forward to my 4 days to do whatever it was I wanted to do but...such as life...things happen that are beyond anyone's control. My long weekend started cool. My mom went into the hospital unexpectantly, so that wasn't cool...but she's doing fine and I'm happy about that. I was looking to spend some time with main man since the both of us were going to be off. We had a very chill Valentine's Day...drinks & appetizers at one of our favorite spots. Earlier, he showered me with flowers(calla lillies), balloons, etc at the job(how cute) and then he followed up that evening with not 1 but 2 very nice watches(Marc Jacobs & Michael Kors). I was shocked...I did need a new watch but 2 and by 2 of my favorite designers...I swear he's the best...I'm lovin him this week(lol). I bought him a glass chess board. He's been worrying me about learning to play chess so he could have someone to play with so...for a man who has almost everything, I thought a chessboard and a book for me to read to learn how to play was the perfect gift. He loved it.

The weekend started with me having a minor catastrophe at my house. My ice maker backed up and leaked and caused damage to my kitchen floor, basement walls, ceiling and carpet. I was done...upset..not as upset as I thought I would be but...I was prety upset. Thank god for insurance...they were on it right away and are handling the situation. My house was out of order all weekend. I had plans to have friends over for the All-Star game but that was all put off because of the state of my house. I'm blessed because I have insurance and I won't have to come out of pocket as much so..thank God.

Overall, the weekend ended up being productive. I painted my powder room(I hate painting), did some cleaning around the house, got the car serviced, picked up groceries, paid bills...rippin & runnin but I'm glad I handled 85% of my business. I'm looking at my finances and I have so much to spend money on in the next 6 months. I'm pretty good with managing my money so I'm sure I'll be ok, but I hate it when things get so tight.

I'm back at work today..work meets me at the door so I will be very consumed with official government business this week but...that's what I get paid to do...so I'm not complaining. Life is good...it can get crazy sometimes but over all, I'm good.

2008-02-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

PRAYER!!!

That's all I need right now foreal....alot of it.

2008-02-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

SHOES....PURSES....ETC....

I gotta have these shoes for the Spring...I must have them in my life. BCBG has the flyest shoes and they're also comfortable. I figure this shoe will go with anything...I gotta have them.

This bag is calling my name. Everyone who knows me know how I feel about Michael Kors. I love his clothes, perfume, bags, shoes...anything that he makes, I love it!!!!!

2008-01-29T06:44:00.000-08:00

ME, MYSELF & I

I can honestly say that this weekend I got a chance to get in touch with myself. I wasn't in any particular mood or anything, I just felt like I needed some "me" time. It did help that I wasn't really feeling main man this weekend so I didn't have to worry about him being in my space too much. On Friday, the plan was to get together with some friends for a drink, but as soon as I got home, I immediately got out of my work clothes and in the bed. I looked at TV, talked on the phone, slept, read a magazine...slept....it was so refreshing. I don't get many Friday's where I can just come home & rest.

Saturday morning started the same. Up very early to take clients and I finished around 2pm. I thought of a thousand things I could've done but instead, I decided to put on some of my favorite cd's, put on my apron and I started baking a cake and cooking spaghetti. Cooking is very therapeutic for me so...I did that, then I decided to run me a lavender bath, lit some candles, put my ipod in the docking station, and sat back in the tub and just chilled. I than put on some cute pajamas and I was in the bed by 7:30. I could not believe I was allowing myself to just chill when there's so many other things I could've been doing. I laid in the bed, talked on the phone, watched a few shows on my new tv, read & finally went to sleep around 11:00pm.

Sunday morning, I overslept for church so I called my girl Tiny and asked did she want to go to brunch, she needed to get out of the house for some "girlfriend time" so she said yes. Then we called Tarita & Nellie and the 4 of us met for brunch. It was so nice to just get together with my girls and share a few mimosas, good food and great conversation. Its always nice to get together with the girls...we need to do that more often. After brunch, me & Nellie(my favorite "shopping" girlfriend) and I went to to Marshalls. We didn't do too much damage, but we had fun browsing and the both of us left out the store with some nice pillows(lol)....that's it.

So...the weekend was very chill, I absolutely needed it, loved it and plan to do that more often. Sometimes I can just get overwhelmed over all the things that I have on my plate that I just keep moving and never take time to just chill out. After this weekend, I know I will be chilling more often.

2008-01-15T04:17:00.000-08:00

My Body is Thanking Me...

Yesterday, I returned to the gym after not going for about 6 weeks. Going to the gym was just a part of my lifestyle....2-3 days a week I was in the gym doing cardio and some type of yoga/pilates or tai chi. I fell off the week prior to my vacation. I was so busy with packing, getting my hair done, trying to get my workload down so I could enjoy my vacation with no worries. Once I came back, the holidays were beginning therefore, I was cooking, shopping and doing everything else except for going to the gym. Then, Christmas came around and I was eating whenever & whatever I wanted, just because it was the holiday and cause I wanted too. Every week I was telling myself that I was going to start back working out again, but I was getting real comfortable coming home doing absolutely nothing so needless to say, I never made it. What's good about me is that I eat healthy...not because I make myself, but because I love healthy foods. Fruits, vegetables & whole grain products is just a part of my life...I love it.

So, yesterday, I made up my mind to return back to the gym. All day I was so excited just thinking about it so I couldn't wait to get there and workout. When I got there, the gym was packed(everyone trying to lose weight for the new year) but it was nice to see some of the people I was used to seeing back when I was going on a regular. My BodyFLow instructor was shocked to see me...she was wondering what had happened but I explained to her what was going on in the last 6 or more weeks and she understood. So, I did some cardio, took a class and now I'm feeling real good. My body isn't aching too bad but I know that once I pick up the pace a little it will.

Working out for me is so refreshing...my body really appreciates it. I sleep better, I feel better and overall I look better. I know my body is thanking me right now...I can't wait to hit the gym tonight...its on!!!!!

2008-01-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

What a difference a conversation makes.......

I have a alot of male friends who I can talk to about anything. I love talking to them because it gives me another perspective on how to look at a situation. But one of my male friends & I have been at a tug-of-war for the last week or more about a few things. We haven't really talked in a minute(mostly because we're both so busy), but the last time we spoke, we had a disagreement about something so of course I was taking his lack of 'trying to contact me' personal. So yesterday, I decided to call him to say hello. After leaving a few messages & emails, he finally responded and I explained to him that we needed to talk. Later that evening, he finally called and we had a very deep conversation. The conversation was a long overdue one that I must say I'm glad took place.

In the beginning, I found myself being very defensive but with time, I began to hear that person out and really listen to what he had to say. The convo went on like a tennis match for the first 15 minutes(that blew me) but after we both realized that neither of us were really listening to the other....we began to talk about what the issues were and within 20 minutes, I realized we were getting somewhere. My friend & I are so-oooo much alike when it comes to certain things(especially debates) and I've found that neither of us gives up until we get our point across. We've been friends for sometime now and we both have alot of similarities in the way we handle business so I can always count on him to bounce ideas & things off of when it comes to certain business & personal matters. But, when we disagree....whoa...its like a damn severe storm...the dark cloud sits over our friendship until we work it out and that sometimes annoys me. But that's what happens with friends; we can't always agree and we may not always see things the same.

So, we both realized that it was a big misunderstanding on both of our behalf...of course I was a little extra because I'm emotional(and that's what females do) but he assured me that our friendship is still as tight as the day we met, and that just because we don't agree on issues doesn't mean that out friendship is doomed and that even though we're the opposite sex, when you care about someone, their feelings do matter. So with that said, we're cool again...I really missed talking to him cause he's just one of those friends that makes me laugh in the midst of craziness, always encourages me when it comes to my success and all the things I want to do when I grow up(lol) and he's not a push-over(he lets me know when I'm wrong or gotten out of hand). So I guess we all need a friend like that and I realized that instead of reacting & brushing things under the rug, if you just talk it out....and that person is sincerely a good friend.....u should do everything in your power to work it out.

2008-01-02T05:05:00.000-08:00

The New Year is here...it seems like I was just celebrating 2007...that means that the year has gone by so fast. I can't really say anything bad about 2007 except that it was a fast year...alot of things happened(both good & bad) but it just seems that it went by so fast. I let go of alot of things & people in 2007 and I know it was all for the best. I don't have any regrets about any decisions that I've made. I don't really make resolutions anymore...I find that I break them soon after I make them so...I just write things down and mentally prepare myself for whatever it is that I want to do, change or make happen.

With that said, I plan to coast in 2008. Live each day like its my last & do what makes me happy. I have a few things that I know that I need to make happen(become better organized, not shop as much cause I really have everything, not let little things get me frazzled, set new goals, decide what I really want to do career wise....) so I plan to concentrate on those things. I'm still on the fence about purchasing a new home....I still think I'm ready to build but I'm just not sure if its a good time(I'm so tight with money); I want to buy my X5...I'm almost sure this is going to happen real soon(I deserve it, just don't want the note); I think I'm ready to have a child(this changes every other week...not sure if I'm ready, if its the right time....); I want a new job(I normally become bored after about 2-3 years in a position)...so many things that I'm "all over the place" with but I'm sure that I'll be able to make some concrete decisions soon.

The holidays were GREAT!!! The family was back together having the time of our life. We spent Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve & Xmas together. Last year was a rough year for us, but God brought us all back together again and I'm so glad he did. Me & main man's relationship has grown stronger...still got some kinks to work out but this year was definitely alot better than last year. All my girls are still my girls....we still are growing together emotionally, spiritually & just proving that black woman can be friends without all the drama. All our lives are so busy but we still got that bond that can't be broken.

Here's to the New Year 2008...looking forward to seeing what it has in store.

2007-12-18T12:00:00.000-08:00

Wow...time sure does fly

I'm sitting here looking at my calendar and thinking, dag, December is almost over. This month has gone by so fast...it seems like I was just on vacation and that was over a month ago...wow. Well, December is here, the holidays are coming around and I must say that I'm finally getting in the spirit. I put my tree up last week and its beautiful. Mom came over and helped me decorate(she loves doing that). I didn't decorate as much as I normally do but the house still feels like Xmas. I got some shopping done, not much but I don't intend to do alot this year anyway. Me & my girl Nellie did some shopping last week(we picked up some things for ourselves too) and main man & I have been picking up a few things too. My sister & I hung out on Sunday and we picked up some gifts...I love my sister we had so much fun. We've always been close but it seems like the older we get, the closer we get. Today, I plan to go hit some stores to pick up a few things...I love giving gifts.
Last night, I started wrapping gifts so I feel like I'm moving right along. This is a short work week and than I'll be off for a few days. I'll get to enjoy the holidays and get some rest at the same time.

Today, I'm feeling good. So much better from the other day(what a difference a few days make).

2007-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

Heavy....that's how I feel

Today is just one of those days...I'm feeling really heavy...like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. I woke up this morning feeling "not so good" but I kept it moving and came on in to work. On my way to work, I stared out the window and began to think about all the things that are bothering me...it was kinda hard not to...just listening to my Ipod, its 5:30am, everyone on the bus is either sleeping, reading or doing what I'm doing(staring out the window thinking). Life can be so complicated at times...but I don't take living for granted....I'm blessed, it just happens to be one of those days.

I'm dealing with a variety of issues & matters, I've been just too busy to slow down and give those things some attention, but for some apparent reason, today is the day I decided to try to find some resolutions. So, I'm at work, its been a slow day, nothing really pressing and all I have is this time to think(I hate that about myself). I'm making conclusions to matters that I haven't even really dealt with, somethings I just want to be over. Then there are things that I need to happen in my life that just isn't happening...I need instant results, but I'm just not getting them. I know that I'm an impatient person and when I want something, I want it yesterday but I'm working on being patient(very hard for me).

I'm also dealing with how to deal with my emotions when it comes to certain matters. I'm a very emotional person, alot of people haven't seen this side but I'm overly emotional at times(and I hate it). I'm either over the top, crying, screaming...or to myself, quiet & withdrawn. So I'm working on trying to find a balance with my emotions. I'm also having trust issues. I find it so hard to put my trust in people, it seems that I get let down alot. I know that my expectations of others makes it that much harder for me to open up and relax, I'm working on this thing....I don't even trust myself sometimes(geeze).

I'm just heavy...there's so much going on that I need to address & handle...I've been so busy putting things aside until I found time to deal...I guess this is God's way of bringing things to light....I need to get ready to address & deal with these matters right now...but I don't feel like it but, I know I can't let them weigh me down any longer.

2007-11-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

So Much to Be Thankful For....

Last week was Thanksgiving...and of course I was too busy to write what I was thankful for..but its never too late...I'm so thankful for so many things.
I'm thankful for life...for God granting me the opportunity to make it through this crazy world without cracking up. With all the horrible things going on in the world, I'm still so grateful for being in the land of the living.

I'm thankful for family...because without them I would be nothing. Family can be your best friends or your worst enemies but everyone who I consider family knows that they're everything to me and because of them...I am who I am.

I'm thankful for my friends, they know who they are. I love u guys...u r my extended family that I can truly say that you all compliment my life...you're always there for me for the good, bad, sad & chaotic times in my life. I don't know what life would be without u ladies...if I haven't ever said it before...I luv all of u guys...you're the best!!!

I'm thankful for Main Man...he has made such a difference in my life...I understand that 4-letter word foreal(lol). I'm thankful for his patience, criticism, companionship & most of all, his love for me. He's the best!!!

I'm thankful for having the activity of all my limbs, being healthy, all of my senses, common sense, high self-esteem, compassion, guts(u know people try to get over if they can), creativity(I'm always up to something)...I have so much to be thankful for...and even when things don't look positive, I'm still thankful.

2007-11-19T04:37:00.000-08:00

My Wonderful Vacation-The ATLANTIS

I finally went on my vacation that I've been anxiously waiting to take..to The Atlantis(The Cove) in Paradise Island in Nassau, Bahamas. I had so much fun...it was wonderful. I flew First Class for the first time and I must say I'm totally hooked. Although its expensive, I think that it will be the only way I'll fly if I'm going out of the country. The weather was absolutely beautiful It wasn't real hot but it wasn't cold either(somewhere in the 80's). It was refreshing to get a chance to wear flip-flops & sundresses one more time. The hotel (The Cove) was picture perfect. The pictures/Internet didn't do the hotel any justice, it was simply beautiful. Our suite had a beautiful view of the island...we could see the pools, the other hotels, bridges, etc...breathtaking. Main man and I had the best time...shopping, swimming, drinking, gambling(yes, I won too) and eating(the food was incredible). We went into the city and shopped(the prices at Gucci, Fendi, Cartier etc were the best), we went to the Straw Market (the prices for souvenirs on the resort were too expensive). We did so much in those 4 days...it was a vacation that I will never forget.

The funniest part of the vacation is that everyone thought I was Bahamian. I was asked all day where I was from because I was told that I looked like I was from the islands(lol). What was ironic was that I found out that Davis is a Bahamian name. I was told that the Davis's have alot of land in the Bahamas so I think I need to trace my family background so I can see if I have some cousins that I can link up with(lol). The people were so friendly and I learned that that's just Bahamian culture(we need to adopt that culture here in the US).

The food...I've never ate that well ever...Main man and I dined in the finest restaurant every night...I'm talking gourmet, fine cuisine...we were doing it. The food was so fresh and so-ooo good.

We did so much in the time that we were there, and just spending time with one another was good. The both of us lead very busy lifestyles so this vacation was right on time.

to be continued........(with pictures)

2007-11-07T04:12:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!

Yesterday was my birthday...I still can't believe that I'm 36 years old...but I don't look a day over 26(lol). But yesterday was a great day. It started with me receiving all kinds of messages, emails, cards, etc...from friends & family(even people I haven't heard from in years). Its always nice to know that people care about me and that they remember my birthday. My sister & mom took me out last for dinner and that was really good...we hardly ever get a chance to spend time together(just the 3 of us) with all of us being so busy with work, school & our personal lives...so that was a highlight of my birthday. Main man came through with my favorite flowers(calla lilies) and some really nice birthday cards...it was just a nice, chill day. I had a few lunch invites but I decided to walk to the bookstore to pick up a few books and I just grabbed something to eat....for some reason I wanted to spend time with myself...and that's always good.

The older I get, I find more inner piece...its something I can't explain. I love being in the company of family & friends but I find that I love spending time with myself...I love me(lol). I'm so blessed...I know it...I feel it...and I thank God for it. I'm at a point in my life where I can finally pat myself on the back...I've accomplished so much in these 36 years and there's still so much to do. Everyday I'm processing life...trying to find ways to keep smiling, to stay focused and to become a better person.

I'm so grateful that God has granted me another year...that means he has more work for me to do, more lives for me to impact, more time to self-improve, more trips to take, more laughs with the girls, more time with family & most of all, more time for ME!!!!

My birthday was wonderful...it was day to celebrate me and I did just that. This Sunday, I'll be off to the Bahamas for vacation...more celebrating. I'm looking forward to having fun but overall, I need some rest & relaxation. I've been rippin' & runnin' for a minute and I need to gather my thoughts and kick back. This trip is an additional birthday gift...and I can't wait.

2007-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

Just Writing....

Well...I have so much going on right now, nothing serious...just being the busy lady that I am. I have 11 more days until I leave for my vacation to the Bahamas. I'm so excited about being on the beach and chilling at the Atlantis. This will also be my first time flying First Class so I'm looking forward to it. Main man & I were out on Monday trying to take care of some last minute things for the trip like getting our license renewed, putting clothes in the cleaners, him getting pants tailored, etc...we're ready...we need this vacation.

I decided that I'm going to wait on building a new house. I was excited about getting it, but I gave it some thought and I'm living very comfortably right now and I don't need a higher mortgage note right now, plus, my house is more than enough for me right now. So, I decided to get my kitchen done over and some other small things just to satisfy my need for change(lol). I'm also considering getting my BMW X5 or my Lexus GS300...not sure yet...

I've been doing alot of baking, my cakes are a hit right now. Everyone that I've made so far has got rave reviews and I'm receiving requests for cake orders already. Now that I'm in the "cake making business" everytime I taste a cake, I'm comparing it to mine(lol)...and I must say I do my thing when it comes to baking cakes.

My birthday is next week...I don't have any concrete plans. Just being able to see another year is fine with me. Maybe the girls & I may get together for something to eat(we love to eat) and some laughs...that's about it and actually, that's perfect.

Life is cool right now...still on my grind, trying to be successful, trying to be a better person,trying to grow closer to God....

I want to go shopping...its that time of year for some new fly boots and some cute sweaters. I guess I'll wait until I get back from vacation. I'm addicted to shopping on-line(something I thought I would never do), I love it.

2007-10-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

It's a time for everything

My father called me the other day...he was talking to me like he's been in my life forever...needless to say, he hasn't really been in my life foreal. I've known him all my life, he's done a few things for me while growing up, but was he really a Daddy...nah, he really wasn't. All my life, I always felt like I was a Daddy's girl...but only if I had one. I always longed for a relationship with him, to be able to call him and tell him about the knucklehead men I've dealt with, to try and get some advice on growing up, someone to teach me what to expect from a man...just simple things(at least I think so). But needless to say, he never stepped up to do the little things, so the big things(like helping me select my first car, showing me how change oil or a flat tire, giving me some advice on purchasing my first home...) I never even thought about asking him about.

He showed up for my high school graduation, called when I made big accomplishments in my life(after hearing it from someone else), and oh yeah, when I got in a terrible car accident & almost died back in 1989...he called to Shock Trauma and acted a fool with the doctors cause he wanted to know how his child was...WOW!!! So again, my father has been in & out of my life for all of my 35 years...and at times he's goes missing in action for a few years but lately, he's been reaching out for a relationship. What do I do now?

He's sick right now, I hear that he's sicker than he's letting on but let him tell it, he's just fine so...I go with his story. Now he wants to talk, spend time, take family pictures and finally come to see the house that I purchased all by myself...without a Daddy to lead me and pat me on the back and say, "you're doing good." I thought I would be bitter with him, but in actuality, I feel sorry for him. He missed out on alot...he has so much catching up to do...I don't know if he'll have time. I wish he wouldn't have let so much time get away from us...now we have to deal with the awkwardness when we're around one another, the silence over the phone when there's nothing else to talk about...hmn...

He knows nothing about me...meaning the little things like, my favorite color, my favorite food, my majors in college, what makes me happy, what makes me sad and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't know my birthday...this is deep. So, I say this today...I love my father, I don't know if he loves me....he says he does...I guess I believe him...he's trying, so I'm not going to knock him over the head for all the times he made me promises that he never kept, or allowing my mother to raise me by herself or letting me learn about men the hard way...nah, I'm not mad...I just feel sorry for him. But a little of me is excited about possibly being able to sit down with this man and tell him all about his oldest daughter...the one who always wished to be a Daddy's girl...

2007-10-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

Baker, Hairdresser & Nurse..what a weekend.

This weekend was a busy yet chill weekend. It started with me baking 3 cakes for 3 different people's birthday(Tamia, Chris & Ganny). I also did my usual...hair for most of Saturday. I impressed myself with my multi-tasking skills...I was working it out.

Main man was sick all weekend. I still don't know if he's trying to get the flu or if he's just dealing with what everyone else is complaining about...just not feeling well due to this inconsistent weather...anyhoo...I had to go into nurse mode for main man. It must be love...he had me up late Saturday night making homemade chicken & rice soup. That's what he wanted, so I was up boiling chicken, cutting up carrots, celery onions...pulling out the seasons & bouillon and even made some biscuits(not from scratch). He needed extra attention this weekend...taking his temperature, hugs, getting orange juice, hugs, rubbing his back, hugs....I was extra busy...lol.

Sunday, was my Ganny's birthday. The family got together for dinner at her house and it turned out pretty nice. Like with every family...mine has been dealing with drama for the last year so all Ganny wanted was her family together in one happy setting...and that's what she got. I'm happy that things turned out the way it did.

Monday, main man & I slept in late...I ran some errands and then we went to see the movie, "Why Did I get Married" all I can say is Tyler Perry did it this time. Extra, extra shout-outs to my man Tyler Perry for putting together such a wonderful movie...definitely a great conversation piece.

So the weekend was cool....can't wait for vacation to get here...26 days to go....Atlantis...here I come.

2007-10-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

Watch Out Betty Crocker...

On Monday, I took my first Cake Decorating class. I am so excited about this class because I love to bake cakes and lately everyone has been requesting a cake from me so...I thought...why not take a class, learn how to decorate and get a side business going(yes I'm a Jamaican). Baking the cakes are easy(and yes all my cakes tastes good), but I wanted to feel more comfortable about decorating, especially when I'm making cakes for other people.

I've been looking into these classes for sometime now and I thought I would never find the time but I made up my mind and I went for it. So...on last Monday, I was taking my first Wilton cake decorating class and I'm anxious about returning next week. I learned how to make flowers, animals and a variety of different decorations with icing. So with all the birthdays & holidays coming, I know I'm going to be very busy. Now, all I need is a cute name for my business. Watch out Betty Crocker!!!!

2007-09-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY-TGIF!!!!!

I can truly say that I'm so happy to see Friday finally arrive. This week has been a full one for me. The beginning of the week I had training therefore, I didn't get home until after 6pm. Then I return to work this week to find out that my unit is not moving(I was so looking forward to moving to a new office) and I've been working non-stop since I returned to work on Thursday. I've also been struggling with headaches since last week. My doctor seems to think I'm having migraines but I don't know what's really going on.

I'm looking forward to my long weekend. Tomorrow I plan to clean my house, wash clothes and do some shopping for some drapes. I also start my cake decorating class on Monday so I'm so looking forward to it. Other than that, I'm just glad today is Friday....I'm blessed, I'm happy, I'm tired....

2007-09-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

What u Won't Do....4 Love...WOW!!!

How is it that not even 24 hours ago, main man and I are at one another's throat, fussing, not agreeing on anything, pointing the finger and contemplating whether we want to continue this relationship....and now we're just talking, agreeing & loving one another(lol). Its funny how he can just piss me off to know end and I can picture my life without him, being single again, running foot loose & free and then I think of all the work I put into this union and all the wonderful things he does for me and how he's done a 320(not quite 360)in the time that we've met and all I can do is just push harder to make peace between us.

There was a time in my life when I would just let go, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the bulls*it that comes with relationships...but I know that nothing and nobody is perfect(not even little ole' me) and with maturity, I've learned that if I continue to give up...I will never learn the lesson in the battle, and if I continue to say f*ck it I might never find the love that I desire, and if I continue to act like nothing bothers me(as it pertains to relationships) how will my mate ever know that I really do care for him and that the relationship means something to me...so as I sit here and think about what main man & I were arguing over yesterday and I ask myself..."Was it really that serious?" I'm glad that I'm a soldier in this game called love...I'm willing to fight for it, and I'm even willing to say "I'm wrong" or "I apologize" even when I don't want too.

So, I say this with a smile on my face & love in my heart for main man...he puts up with me...whew....I'm not the easiest person to deal with, especially when it comes to relationships but I guess if its love...and u know its love...there's nothing you wouldn't or shouldn't do for it!!!!

2007-09-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today started off wrong...I mean, I didn't feel like getting up to go to work, but when the alarm went off at 4am...I just kept it moving. After pulling off, I realized I didn't have my badge, so I turn around and go back home...and I couldn't find it. Once I got back in my car, I saw it tucked down deep in my side pocket of my purse. I got to the stop late, went to sleep on the bus and once I got off to walk in my building....my badge was gone...I had lost it. I had to use my creds to get a temporary badge that didn't work once I got to my office(it gets better) so I had to get my supervisor to come and let me in and I had to borrow his mailbox key to lock up my phones....rough morning. Overall, I contacted the bus company and they found my badge on the bus...whew....

Anyway, the weekend was cool. Had my cookout on Saturday and it turned out to be alot of fun once again. It wasn't packed as last year(thank god) so the crowd was a chill bunch. We sat around, ate, drank & had some interesting conversation. The weather wasn't too hot so everyone was comfortably chilling.

On Sunday, I slept in until noon...cleaned up and took another nap. Main man & I went to get something to eat(I refused to cook) at Panera and came home & watched a movie until I fell asleep. So...the weekend was cool....but now I'm tired as hell...hopefully my day will get better...

2007-09-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

LABOR DAY WEEKEND @ DEEP CREEK LAKE

Over the weekend, a group of friends(some of us meeting for the first time) went to Deep Creek Lake for the weekend. We had a wonderful time. Our 9 bedroom, 7.5 bathroom home was large enough for all of us. The house sat 25 ft from the lake, had an indoor pool, 2 hot tubs and a game room. We stayed 3 nights and none of us wanted to leave.

Some of the ladies on the main deck of the house.

Some of fellas chilling on the deck.

We all had a great time...shooting pool, cooking out, playing games & jet skiing.

The weekend was cool...a nice getaway was what we all needed....I'm sure we'll be doing it again real soon.

2007-08-31T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where I feel like nobody understands me. I'm dealing with some heavy personal issues right now and I don't feel like I can express it to anyone...I just don't think anyone would understand. Its a long weekend for me, I'm going out of town and I should be excited...but everything else around me is distracting me from looking forward to this 3 day getaway.

Today, I want to just pack up my things, sell my house and move to another state. I think if I do that, I can escape some of the issues that I'm dealing with. Why don't people realize that I can't save everybody...sometimes I can't save my damn self. Its enough work dealing with myself and all my crap...but to deal with others crap is just too much sometimes.

People that I love are hurting & confused...I'm trying to help them to heal but in the process, I'm feeling down...I know I can't save the world but I hate to see people that I love hurt and/or do stupid things.

Today is just not a good day but I swear that I'm going to do everything to make it better. I'm challenging myself to come out of this funk by noon today.

2007-08-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

"Everyday I'm Hustling.........."

Whoa...this weekend was one of those weekends when I agree with my girls when they call me the lil' Jamaican...I was on my grind this weekend. The kids go back to school this week and I was busy doing hair all weekend. I had a few hours to get myself together but for the most part I was hustling. Friday I didn't make it to work therefore I had the opportunity to get an early start. Saturday morning, I was up early gettin' it in and didn't finish until late that evening. Sunday morning, I was back at it again...getting all the kiddies done for the first day of school(I don't normally work on the Lord's day).
Although I was tired, I went to the movies with main man on Saturday. I don't understand why everything he picks to see at the movies has to be alot of shooting & killing(WTF). We went to D&B for some food & drinks afterwards. On Sunday, mom & Ganny came over for a bit, along with sister. Main man wanted dinner, so I hooked that up and then we went to TCBY for dessert(yep, we drove all the way to Columbia for frozen yogurt). He was supposed to hang out with the fellas but I guess he had second thoughts and wanted to chill with mama for the day(isn't that sweet).
So...the weekend was cool...very busy but its just one of those things. That's the story of my life...hustling & grinding...somebody's gotta do it.

2007-08-22T04:01:00.000-07:00

"Faith....its something about that word"

On Sunday evening, main man had an emergency at his job that he had to handle and I end up riding with him why he handled the situation. While waiting in the lobby for him, I end up having a conversation with the concierge at the front desk. He was a foreigner and we began just chatting about things that were going on in the world and how God is sending signs to let the world know he's on his way back. Well...to make a long story short, he began telling me how he was raised a Muslim but heard the voice of God at a very young age. He kept this from his parents who were Muslims cause he knew they would condemn him. Late one night he responded to the voice by praying and giving God thanks and his mother overheard, who in turn told his father. His father chastised him and told him that he had heard that he had become a christian and he put him out of the house(he was only 13). This started years of doors being closed in his face and being homeless because his family had threatened anyone who took him in...but through it all, this young boy never denied his faith and what he believed in, he stood firm. Years later, he finally made it to this country through a missionary who brought his story to the State Department, and he ended up coming to this country. He struggled once he got here, not having any skills or speaking little English but people who saw the God in him and knew that he stood firm in his beliefs looked out for him and gave him opportunities that he would've never imagined.
Today, this grown man is doing well, God has sent him a wife who he's anxiously waiting to get to the US by the end of the year, he has 2 well paying jobs and most of all, he's still a soldier for the Lord...his belief is stronger than ever. He expressed to me that it was only God that helped him to make it through all the homelessness, the betrayal from his family, the threats from his country, the odd jobs that he had to take just to support himself & most of all, getting him here to the US....a true example of a person who remained faithful to God in spite of adversity.

This encounter with this man touched me so much...I was so glad to have had the opportunity to speak with him because it made me search deep within. I know that God is who he is and I know my faith has been tested on numerous occasions but, talking to this man made me realize that if he could go through all that he did and still be able to trust God...I know that when things get rough for me & I begin to wonder, "where are u God" if I just continue to pray, and not give up on him and just stand still...I know that I will hear from him and he will come through for me...he always does. Not that I ever doubted him..but just to hear a testimony such as this man's confirmed once again that God is who he said he is...and I'm so glad to be a child of his because I know that without him, I'm nothing. My faith is sometimes tested but I will NEVER stop trusting & believing in him...no matter what.

2007-08-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

Nothing Special...Just thankful for a long weekend.

This weekend was cool...didn't do too much but I'm still very tired. I was off on Friday since I had to come in on my day off for a presentation. I returned to work last week from being off for 6 days (conference in Florida) and my work week was super busy. I received 2 awards last week at work(I'm so proud of me). Thursday evening, I went to pickup god-daughter #2(Ahteona) so she could spend the night with me...I was so happy to see her, and from the big smile on her face, she was happy to see me too. We came back to the house & chilled, I did her hair and she just kicked back. She is so pretty(just like her mom Keya) and so well mannered. My girl Keya has raised her well. Friday, we hing out, took her to the mall and bought her a few things (she wasn't expecting that) and then later that evening, I had to take her back to her Dad(she was upset). It made my heart heavy that she didn't want to go but I was a little tickled that she wanted to stay with me...I guess I still get cool points for being a great godmommy/auntie.
My Saturday was back to normal, doing hair all day. I chilled for the remainder of the evening and had planned to have a very quiet, evening alone until...main man came down and he decided once he got to the house that he didn't want to hang out with his boys...so...
Got up Sunday morning and didn't make churhc so I decided to pick up godaughter #3(Myriah). She's been trying to get me to pickup her up and do something so I scooped her and we went to brunch(Jaspers) and shopping(once again, in the stores). I had a good time with her and I know that's all she wanted was some attention from her godmother since I've been so busy. I had to go in Mommy mode with her and school her about somethings(I hate being a disciplinary) but we got it together and Ms, Lady is going to be fine.
Came home, cooked dinner(it was so good) and did somethings around the house. Main man was starving prior to coming to the house(he always says that) so he ate dinner like it was his last supper(he thinks I'm the best cook) and we kicked back. My sister came over(I love her so-ooo much) and the 3 of us talked a little, and then her & I went to see Mom & Ganny.
To top the weekend off, main man & I went and had ice cream and sat outside & ate it(that was so cute) and just talked. I haven't worked a full week in almost 3 weeks so I turned in early so I could get ready for today.....nothing exciting, but thank god for the weekends.

2007-08-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

BRICKS....Keep Em' Coming

WOW....today has been one of those days...so much going on and every time I think I've heard enough, something else happens. Each time I'm confronted with something, its like another brick being laid...I feel like someone is building a house on top of me...I'm heavy.
After returning from a wonderful 6 days in Florida(that blog is coming soon), I find out that my grandmother & mother both had been hospitalized. Both of them were confined to the bed for different reasons but the bottom line, the both of them weren't feeling well. So I automatically go into over-drive to make sure the both of them are comfortable & getting back to their normal selves. Then I turn around and get some bad news about my father being VERY ill(that's another blog)...now I'm wondering, what am I to do? Am I to step up and try to be there for him after almost 35 years of my life, him not really being there for me(heavy stuff...)? Then, I find that family members are ungrateful, selfish, ghetto, ignorant...some people no matter what, just don't see a reason to change for the better. Then...everyone seems to think I have Bank of America taped to my forehead...WOW...I do have my own bills, and personal things that I need MY money for. I don't work 40 hours a week for everyone else's issues(whoa...). And...my house isn't clean...I've been home for almost a 5 days now and I can't seem to get motivated to clean my house...wash clothes & unpack my suitcase. My car has to go in the shop on Friday and that's about $800-$900 dollars to get a major service done...like I said, I'm heavy.
I'm getting off from work to go to the dentist to get my crown ($750) put on, I have some errands to run when I really just want to go home...oh, by the way, its 102 degrees outside today.....bricks...major bricks being laid on me today...but I'm going to be ok....and this too shall pass.

2007-07-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

Tag...I'm It!!!!

Thanks to my lil' sis, "It Is What It Is" I've been officially tagged. I've been ordered to list eight random facts/habits about myself, post them and choose eight people to tag so they can do the same. Well...none of my friends blog and the people who introduced me to this blog world (It Is What it Is and Golden Time of Day) have already been tagged. So, I'm just going to tag myself. Here it goes:

1. Salad is my favorite food.
I eat salad at least once a day. People always think I'm dieting because I'm always eating a salad, but that's not the case, I just love salad.

2. I smell everything.
I have this weird habit of smelling everything, especially food. If it doesn't smell right, I'm not eating it. By the way, I love the smell of gasoline(lol).

3. I have an alter-ego.
Only a select few people have had the opportunity to come in contact with her. She's that other person that lives inside of me who I sometimes blame for the behavior that I(Michyle) would never have the guts to do.

4. I'm claustrophobic
I've being struggling with this phobia since I was a kid. I'm trying to work my way through it and I think I'm getting there. I have the biggest fear of elevators, tunnels & any closed in places.

5. I'm in love with a thug
I'm in love with Lil' Wayne...that's my thug crush. I've had a crush on him ever since he was 14 singing, "The Block is Hot" and now that he's legal, I would love to bump into him so I can just whisper, "The Baby" in his ear(lol).

6. My favorite color is Yellow .

7. I love to write
I write poetry & short stories. One of my poems actually was published. One day I plan to slow down and do something with all the things I've wrote over the years instead of letting them sit in my folder and collect dust. I also use to be a freelance writer for a local newspaper.

8. I'm a restaurant connoisseur
I love to go out to nice restaurants and there aren't too many that I haven't experienced. Most of friends & family come to me to recommend a nice place to eat. I use to be a part-time restaurant reviewer.

2007-07-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

"I'm Feeling Real Good about my Life-Today"

Well...what can I say, today's a good day. The sun is shining, the weather is just right, I got money in the bank, fly clothes in the closet, food in the fridge, friends who love me, family who support me, a wonderful relationship with God, I'm stable, I'm not on drugs, I got a good job, I'm in shape...I feel good, I look good....life is good.

I woke up this morning, refreshed...with a better attitude, seeing life in a whole new light...I'm alright today. Last night, after coming from the gym, I got a chance to lay back & just reflect on some of the things I've been dealing with and I had to come to the realization that no matter what I go through in life, it can't be so bad. Its up to me to decide if I want to deal with certain things & people, if I want to tackle obstacles & hurdles or just be, if I want to hear peoples problems or do I want to work on my own, do I want to try to impress people or just be the best person I can be...its all up to me.

So, today, I decided to be happy-go-lucky me. I'm smiling cause it makes me look prettier, I'm strutting because it enhances my swagger, I'm speaking positive things because when I speak it-it happens, I'm cherishing every minute of life because tomorrow's not promised and I'm just going to keep on being the best me I can.

2007-07-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Spoiled...Selfish..Self-Centered...call it what u want, that's just ME!!!

I'm dealing with an issue where I think I need to check myself, but right now, I just don't want too. What's wrong with me wanting what I want, when I want it, how I want it and under any circumstances that I want? Yep...I have this rotten spoiled little girl that lives inside of me who acts out when things don't go my way...basically I'm having a damn tantrum right now.

I just read my horoscope for the day and it clearly states, "You can't expect to have everything you want-especially not all at the same time. Like it or not, you'll have to pick and choose." That is a prophetic word straight from the stars & planets-whateva.

I'm so used to having things my way...I know that its very wrong for me to think the world revolves around me and that my problems & situations should be dealt with immediately and in the best interest of ME but so what...that's how I'm feeling right now....WHY CAN"T THINGS GO MY WAY?

A friend of mine has told me that I need to "pause" and think about whether its best for me to have my way right now, will it benefit me and others around me if I get my way and will the outcome of me getting my way be in the best interest of ME in the future. I'm so not in the future right now...I'm in my feelings and I'm in the right now...so.....I'm throwing a mental tantrum right now and I need to be checked(lol).

I'm sure after I throw this tantrum and turn back into an adult within the next few hours...I'll see the reality of the current situation that has me acting out. But that's what I do....I'm spoiled...I'm rotten....and guess what....I'll get over it. I always do.

2007-07-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

A Real Chill Weekend

I'm just returning back to work from being off for 6 days straight(including the weekend) and I must say that was just what the doctor ordered. After a very uneventful Independence Day, I decided that a few extras days off wouldn't hurt so, I did just that...took off. I took care of alot of business that I wouldn't normally get a chance to do and I just chilled...alot of rest for this chick.

Friday night, my girl Tiff & I stepped out for some drinks and something to eat. We hung out with some of the craziest fellas I know(D, Fi & Slaught). I must say that I'm glad I decided to get up and do something...its been a long time since I hung out and I must say, that whiskey sour was long overdue. I would've had another one if I wasn't driving(I'm so responsible).

Saturday was a slow morning cause I was on my grind(momma gotta make them $$) but shortly after, I slept like most of the day(I still can't believe it). Main man came over and we decide to do a late dinner at Maggiano's. He requested his momma in a cute sundress so I did that for him and he put on a little grown & sexy attire and we hit the town...the evening was very nice.

Sunday morning, I over slept so I didn't make it to church. I got a phone call early that morning from a friend who I end up talking with for about an hour or more. I must say that conversation was what I needed. Its always good to have a very "open" convo with someone who you care alot about. I end up running some errands in the hot sun and came home and again, I chilled(sounds kinda boring the more I say it).

Monday, my regular day was filled with alot of running around. The dentist, cleaners, bank and to get my passport(Atlantis here I come). The remainder of the day was filled with getting things done around the house....oh, and the gym of course(gotta get it right for the 2-piece in 2 weeks).
So...my very long weekend was very-very chill. A few exciting things in-between my chill time so overall...it was a good weekend. When I got to work today everyone said that I sound & look so energetic(I should) so to wrap this all up, the rest & chill time did the body good.
And the next holiday is when?