Mixed Emotions

For the last few days my emotions have been up, down, left, right....all mixed up. I wonder sometimes if being confused is good? It kinda gives you a chance to appreciate & evaluate the good & bad. So, I'm just remaining still because I try not to make decisions based on my emotions, but what's best for me and what feels good. So right now, going with the flow is working for me.

I sometimes wish I could get in that head of his and maybe I could be able to understand why he does what he do. He realizes that things have changed but his actions are acting as if things have not. I know he loves me and being a family is what he wants but I also realize that he's not mature enough to realize that having your family requires constant work. Not just this week or next week...its an everyday job. Things aren't going to always be fun(as he puts it) or a bed of roses. We passed that stage sometime ago and once babygirl came, we don't have alot of time to "have fun" just the 2 of us anymore, but now we have a responsibility that will be with us forever.

I love being a mommy...the responsibility of it all hasn't overwhelmed me but it has definately changed me. I hear from woman all the time that once they have a baby, things change...especially your relationship. I would say that it has made the relationship stronger but at the same time, it has brought out alot of issues that we've had to confront. I want my family and I'm willing to fight for it but I need him to step up as well. Money, Gucci bags, jewelry...all those wonderful tangible things that he loves to shower me with is not what I want (or need)...I need him to stand up for me...stand up for his family and say, I'm going to fight until I die because my 2 girls deserve the best...they deserve to have the best man to protect, love & take care of them...that's what I need. Until then...my feelings will be mixed until I'm strong enough to make a firm decision.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who broke down "forgiving & forgetting" and I truly do appreciate him taking the time to do so. He explained to me that trying to forget something is harder than forgiving the person. Because the mind is not equipped to dump something that has caused hurt therefore forgetting something is almost impossible. It also has alot to do with the extent of hurt that was caused and the the reason behind it. So for example, if someone hurts me and it was something that I could get over....I will always remember what was done, but I could move on from the situation BUT, if something caused me extreme hurt and especially if it was done repeatedly, forgetting would be almost impossible. And even though I may have forgiven the person for what they've done, every once & a while, the mind will allow that particular incident(s) to resurface. So, the answer I've been looking for is...I can forgive...but the chances of me forgetting is almost impossible.

So, its all left up to me...to start the process of filtering out the bad stuff to bring back the good. I don't think I've allowed it to consume me in my everyday life, but I know there are times when I go off to this place(in my mind) and I start to think about some things I've experienced and I begin to get frustrated.

One of my best friends asked me was I angry and I know for a fact that I'm not angry. So as we started to sort out the particulars of this situation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just disappointed. Disappointed that things didn't work out the way I thought they should; that I'm left to start all over again because the person I trusted betrayed me; that I have to be on pause because I don't want to cause damage in someone else's life; that I have baggage; that I can't express myself because I feel like I'm talking in circles...

So I'm happy that I'm beginning to heal and find the answers to the many questions that I was having a hard time figuring out. Every day is a step closer to tranquility.

All Over the Place....????

Ok, so I'm talking to this guy and he begins to share a little about himself(age, occupation, background on past relationships, etc...) and once he's done, he ask me to do the same. I begin with my age, occupation, me being a mommy...and then the infamous question comes..."Why is such a beautiful lady who appears to have it all together on the market?" I thought I was ready to answer but found out that once I tried to explain, I became tongue tied-wow.

I begin to give him a a little background about my past relationship and how now I think I want to meet new people, yet, I'm not sure if I'm ready to date; or I'm not sure if I have time to start something with someone else; or, I'm not sure if I'm interested in sharing my world with someone new now that I have a daughter; and the fact that her Dad is still around, I don't know if the situation would be comfortable...I was all over the place. It was complete silence on the other end. I felt like I had just messed up on a real good job interview(lol). He begin to chuckle and he told me how he is ready for a relationship(not neccesarily with me beacuse we just met) and he realized that dating multiple women is not what he wants to do and he's on a quest to find his queen. He then asked me, "do you still love your ex" and "what are the chances of a man getting involved with me and my ex decides that he wants his family back, what would I do" and I was like...wow. I was tongue tied once again and I felt terrible. Those questions, I thought would be easy to answer, but once I was asked, I realized that I had a difficult time answering.

I told the young man that we would have to finish this conversation another time when I had my thoughts in tact. This is the first time I think someone has left me questioning myself(about this situation). I think I know what I want and what's going on, when I think I don't or either, with everything happening so fast, I haven't had a time to absorb it all.

I need to regroup.

Come What May....


When its good, its damn good, but when its bad...oh lawd, its the worst. Once again, I'm battling with myself, my feelings and trying to figure out what I want to do/what's best for me. I'm a work in progress, taking one day at a time is all I can do. So, I'm ready to move on...not neccessarily with someone else but I want to get as far away from this situation as possible. I know its going to take time so I have to go through the motions before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kinda see it, just a little, but I know I'm approaching it.

So we talked last night and all went well until he wouldn't 'man up' to his wrongdoings. That sucks. Just admit that what you did was wrong and be done with it. I don't need to hear your disclaimer as if you really warned me that in the long run, I would be hurt. Who does that? So I think we got somewhere...I think I'm clear on his motives and where he stands, but I don't think he says the same thing. He just doesn't get me. Went to bed with a load lifted and I began to pray that God would remedy this confusion.

On The Fence

Its time to move on...but I don't know how too. I realize that my feelings have changed and my heart has sent me signs that its ready and can handle what's to come, but I just don't know how to begin. There are so many things in the way of me moving on and I guess I haven't sorted out the best way to handle my exit. Do I abruptly shut it down or do I ease out slowly? I feel like all the signs that I need to get, I've received, so I'm left wondering...what do I do now.

I feel peaceful...at least I think I do. Well, for the most part, I think I'm finding peace. I haven't had it in a long time but finally, its starting to appear and I'm happy. I sleep good at night, my heart doesn't ache anymore, my nerves aren't on edge...I'm finding peace. I just want this to be over or at least I want to be able to let the past be just what it is and I'm ready for a new beginning.

But I feel bad(a little). I think should try, for the sake of my daughter to fight a little harder...but I don't think I have any fight left in me. I've become someone that I never thought I would...I'm not pleased. At one time I felt I was at my best, but its funny how someone else's actions can cause one to turn into a stranger. There were somedays I would look at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was that was looking back at me. Nowadays, I know who I am, I know what I want & I know what I deserve. I can't continue to live this life of wondering where my place is, where I stand and what's my worth. I know I'm a great woman, designed by God, a great mother, a great friend, hardworker, God-fearing, sensitive, ambitious, optimistic....I am worthy of the best. I've been settling for too long.

So I'm on the fence and I pray one day soon that I'll be able to get across. I have hope in my heart and I believe that God is working with me, allowing me to gradually take my time but showing me that there's light at the end of this dark road. So even though I'm on the fence, as long as I have peace, I don't mind straddling for a few.

Forgive...Forget...????

How do you forgive? That question has been sticking with me for some time. I know that to forgive is to give up resentment and/or grant relief but how do you move on after you've forgiven someone even though you can't forget what they've done? To forget something is to act as if it never happened; to lose rememberance or to be unable to recall something that happened. That is so confusing to me. In life, when things happen, you can't just act as if it never did or if you do act as if you don't rememeber, at sometime, you will recall what it was that was done to you to cause you to hurt.

So, I'm dealing with this right now...I honestly want to move on from the hurt that I've experienced but I can't seem to forget what happened. I know that I've forgiven but its still hard for me to forget...actaully, its very difficult for me to put the various things away as if it never happened. So I've prayed about it, I've talked to people who have experienced some of the things I have and they don't have an answer for me either.

Is this even possible?

Its been a Loooong Time

I have been so busy that I haven't found time to blog. Writing is one of my favorite things to do so I really don't want to fall off. But being a mommy has me so busy. Its hard to find time to just sit still and write, but all that is going to change. My goal is to start putting aside some time for me. Nina is just 15mys old and I know that the older she gets, the busier I'm going to get. So, I'm about to start takinig some time to do some of the things I love and need to do. I have people who are willing to watch Nina for me so I'm going to start opening my mouth and asking for an hour or 2 to do some things that I need to do.

The new year is here, 2010. I'm not a person who makes resolutions but I do like to look at the new year as a mark to start something new and/or make some necessary changes. 2009 was a rollercoaster year for me. I was a new mom and Nina came home. I was able to be off with her until May and returned to work. My job had completely changed because while I was off, there was a reorg. But it all worked out and I still love my job and love what I'm doing(even though its so much more work). Nina had her first birthday party which was a blast and she also had her first 'official' Christmas(the year before she was in the hospital). The New Year was nice & quiet. Me, Nina & Will chilled at the house. My girl Nellie came up and we had some light food & some wine. I was sleep by 12:15.

Thus far, this year has brought on some serious challenges for me. I've been working on a few things within me to become a better person and at the same time, not allow people to take advantage of me. Its hard sticking to your word sometimes, but with life, everything can't be always what I want but what I need.

Nina is growing up...I kinda want her to stay a baby but at the same time, I'm looking forward to her becoming a little lady. She is the best baby...nothing matters to me as much now that I have her. Issues, drama, things that get on my nerves don't matter as much anymore...I have something bigger & better to worry about. My goal is to start blogging again...I need too, its very therapeutic.

Nice, Rainy & Relaxing Weekend

What a wonderful weekend. The weather was so nasty. It rained for at least 4 days straight and I was so looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. With the exception of having to braid hair Saturday morning and taking Nina to her cousin Chase's b-day party, my weekend was very relaxing. Nina & I stayed in our pj's. Nellie came up early Saturday morning to sit with Nina while I did hair & later that evening, me, Nina & Will chilled. Sunday, I slept in...the rain was sounding too good and I did not want to take Nina out in it. We layed around most of the day until around 5, then we went to Marshalls. The rain cleared up and Nina was being very hyper so I decided to get her out of the house. We ended up going to visit Mommy and ate dinner with her & Biggie. Nikki ended up coming over as well so that was nice seeing everyone at one time. Nina ate mashed potatoes , broccoli & rolls. She was stuffed-lol. Came home, showered, bathed Nina & got ready for work. I will be off on Wednesday because it will be Nina's first birthday. There is no way that I'm was coming to come to work on that day. I'm getting more emotional the closer the day gets. Her birthday party is this weekend and I'm looking forward to that as well. What started out as a small family gathering has turned into a major celebration. Oh well, she deserves it, she's the best!!!

Nina's Christening

This weekend was very nice. My babygirl's christening was on Saturday and it turned out so nice. It was a beautiful ceremony and it turned out better than I ever imagined. The devil tried to ruin my day from the beginning but a few hours later, he was defeated as always. My babygirl being christened was very emotiional for me. From all that she went through in the beginning to now being 100% healthy...I can't do anything but praise God for his marvelous work. So many friends & family came out to witness and like always, I was so grateful. Bishop Coates did an awesome job. He spoke on children and what God's word has to say about children & raising them. He also mentioned Nina representing healing beause of all she went through. It was just awesome. My life has definately been changed, I can just feel it.
Its always alot of work when you have people coming to the house & all, but my girls stepped in and made everything happen. Everyone was happy & full so that always makes me smile. I thank GOD once again for his many blessings. He just continues to bless me over & over & I'm so grateful.

Here I go again...all over the place with my feelings & emotions. I have alot on my mind...alot of decisions to make just not sure how to go about doing them or in what order. Today is Friday and I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nothing concrete on my agenda but just a few things I need to do. I have no clients tomorrow so that menas that Nina & I will get to sleep in-YEAH!!! I love it when her and I can sleep in late and play in the morning.

I'm in the process of trying to find somewhere to take a mini vacation. I'm considering somewhere on a beach not too far. I'm working on getting my finances in complete order and I'm almost there so I son't want to spend too much money. But I do need some time to unwind and kick back. I plan to take Nina with me so we won't be gone to long.

I'm in a real unusual mood once again. I'm living in my head right now...I amaze myself sometimes. I'm praying for a breakthrough on a lot of matters and I know God is going to work it out, its just going to take time. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying life and staying on my toes; watching what's going on over top of me, around me and even below.

I hate when people think they're getting over on me. It really bothers me when people think they have me fooled...silly. I'm such a bright individual and I can detect when something is going on and I'm such a detective...if I'm looking for something, I normally find it with no problem. And strangely, sometimes it just falls in my lap....lol...I keep my eyes & ears open at all times just so I won't be caught slippin.

So today is Friday, I'm remaining focused cause its just in my DNA. I have so many things I'm ready to make happen but I have to be patient(something that's very hard for me).

Rambling.......

Been in 2 meetings already and I've only been at work for a few hours
I want a new job
I like my job but its starting to become a headache
I want to be closer to home
I miss Nina
I love it when I wake up and I get to spend time with Nina before coming to work
Her smiles make my heart jump
My grandmother is the best
I'm so glad she's able to care for Nina while I'm at work
I worry too much
I wish I could hit the lottery and be a stay at home mom
and write books, bake cakes & do whatever the hell I want all day
I hope my mother is having a great time in Atlantic City
I hope she finds a great job once she starts working again
I love my girlfriends
I wish we could spend at least one whole day, once a week together doing whatever
I love being a mommy
One day I want to be a wife(that's how I feel today)
I miss that overwhelming feeling of being in love
Sometimes being in a relationship is too much work
I'm so focused on being Nina's mommy and ensuring she has the best life
I'm working on not letting nonsense consume me
I'm an amazing catch(at least that's what I'm told)
90% of the time I feel so sexy
I love looking at myself
I love my skin tone
I'm glad Nina is a chocolate baby
My sister will find out what she's having next week
I can't wait...I hope its a boy
I'm tickled about us being mommy's
I need to clean my house
I can't find the time to do anything
but I'm ok with it
People who complain all the time blow me
I need my truck washed
Need I mention how much I LOVE my new X5
I hate putting gas in it but I love the ride
I wish I could get Facebook at work
maybe that wouldn't be a good idea cause I wouldn't get any work done
I love having dialogue with men...they give the best advice
Some of my best friends are men...they keep it real with me
Why do they think no one is good enough for me?
But when they talk about themselves, they wouldn't be any good for me either(lol).
I have too many shoes
I wish I could give them all away and start over
I want to repaint some of the rooms in my house
but I would have to hire someone because I hate painting
I'm hungry
I have some leftover Shrimp Fried Rice and I don't really want it
its to nasty outside to go out plus I can't think of anything I really want to eat
Can't wait to go home and see my babygirl
I love her so-ooooo much
I need a vacation
I think I'm going to take a mini one in September even if my funds are tight
who cares, u only live once
I want to wear this new bathing suit I bought last year
I feel like dancing
93.9 is pumpin Biggie
I can picture myself on top of a table grooving
I can't get the picture of the sun setting in Cancun out of my head
I guess that's where I need to be trying to go soon
Nina will be 1 in 3 months
Time is flying now
I enjoy watching her grow
I want to do something
I'm contemplating if its a good idea...lol
I think its a great idea....I think(hahaha)
I'm done...

State of Relationships...

This week has been one hell of a week as it pertains to relationships. At least 3 people I know are going through breakups/seperations from their mates. I just wonder if being in a relationship is even worth the energy sometimes. Putting my own relationship aside, I've been talking to friends who are struggling with starting their life over after a lengthy relationship, friends who are dealing with the shock of finding out their mate was cheating on them, friends who realize that their marriage cannot be salvaged...so many relationships that are in trouble. It leads me to wonder if it is safe to put your all into a person. We all are human and we're going to make mistakes, but to continuosly make the same mistakes over & over is uncalled for.

One of my friends recently found out her ex is getting married to his "jump-off" and that is so disturbing. How do I console a friend after something so tragic...it is very hard. I don't know the right things to say because I'm very angry and I want her to be able to express how she really feels without hearing me curse & tell her how awful the man she still loves is. This is all craziness...

I also have a friend who wants to be in a relationship so bad. She feels like she's missing so much but I always explain to her that its hard work maintaining a relationship. And for her to be grateful that she has this time to get int o herself and wait for God to send her the man he has for her. That's the key, "wait for God" because in this day & time, I wouldn't trust anyone who I didn't feel was sent directly from God.

I'm going to continue this blog later because I'm still fired up and I can go on and on.

Overwhelmingly Blessed

I woke up this morning feeling extremely good but most of all blessed. Not sure why exactly but I know that once I got up, I felt so good. As I began to get ready for work, all I could think about was just how good God is and how he continues to bless me over & over & how I never want to take all that he's done for me for granted. With so much going on in the world & my own personal life, I have so many reasons to be thankful. My life has been good...overall, I have no reason to complain because God has been that good. Not to mention when I wake up to my precious baby girl Nina, I get filled up as if I just had her yesterday. She is EVERYTHING to me and I know God would've never blessed me with her if he had not thought I deserved her. She's my miracle baby and based on what she went through early on, I know that God is a healer, a miracle worker and he answers prayers. Once I dropped her off to my mother, I began to thank him once again because my mother is the best. She doesn't hesitate to be there for me and getting up at 5am in the morning to get Nina without complaining just makes my heart happy. This morning when I called her to let her know we were on our way, she was up & ready to get Nina just so I can get to work early. She is dealing with her own personal issues, especially being laid off but still manages to kick in and be there for my sister & I and every chance I get, I tell her "thank u". Once again, another reason to be so thankful because God didn't have to give me such a compassionate mother. And my Ganny...I get filled up every time I talk about her because she is 72yrs old and she cares for my baby everyday. Its something that she said she couldn't see herself not doing but once again...to be able to come to work and concentrate on providing for myself & Nina and not have to worry about her well-being is nothing short of a blessing. Most people aren't able to see their grandparents living but I have both sets of grandparents and Nina has great-grandparents on both sides.

As I sit here and read about the victims of the Metro crash, my heart is heavy...everyday I'm commuting along with my friends & loved ones and that could've been any of us. Everyday is an honor to be able to wake up and have another chance at life. God provides so many of us the opportunity to become better people and I thank him for opening my eyes to so many things, which has allowed me to appreciate life, treat others better and just be an overall positive person in this crazy world.

So today, I'm overwhelmingly blessed, grateful, thankful, etc...I can't say it enough, God is so good.

I'm so Blessed

Once again, I realize that I'm so blessed. God continues to show me over & over again that he will always look out for me. And even during times when I may not understand why certain things happen, if I just keep still, he'll confirm how great he is. So, I want to give a shout out to the greatest man...GOD...for continuing to send an abundance of blessings my way.

The last 2 weeks has been crazy. I got in a car accident and the man who rear-ended me totaled my car. I was so not prepared to get a new car right now, especially with me just returning back to work. Thank God for great credit and the fact that I kept my car in such good condition because I'm now able to put a nice down payment on the car of my dreams...BMW X5. I've been screaming about this SAV for years and this weekend, I will be picking it up. Not only that, I'm able to have affordable payments so that has eased alot of the stress of me thinking I would be living paycheck-to-paycheck. I also thank God that Nina wasn't with me when the accident occurred and that I wasn't hurt too bad. I was sore for a few days & from time-to-time, I get a little uncomfortable, but overall, I'm good & it could've been worse.

Work is going ok. It just seems like its so much to do now that I'm back to work. Schedules have been working out with getting Nina to Ganny so I can't complain. Will & I have been working well with getting her to & from Ganny and my mother is a big help as well. She was recently laid off but once again, she's able to be around to help out with Nina and now...soon to be my nephew or niece who will be here sometime in December. So many things are going on and God is right in the midst of it all...doing what he does best-BLESSINGS!!!!

Ms. Nina is doing so good. Just growing up so fast, the time is just getting away from us, She's now flipping, grabbing everything, trying to stand up and getting so fat. She loves to eat...and we love feeding her. Being her Mommy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Everyday that I look at her, I can't help but thank God for blessing Will & I with her. We love her so much. She's changing everyday...and she's so much fun. Will & I are always fighting over her. I hope she knows that she has 2 parents that simply adore her.

Another week is here and once again, I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nowadays, it doesn't seem like there's enough time in the day to do everything I need too so I look forward to the weekends. Once again...I'm so blessed!!!!

ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!!

Yay.....I'm so glad today is Friday. I'm so looking forward to the weekend to do whatever..or maybe nothing. I know that I'll get to spend all my time with Nina, I miss her so much during the week. It always feels like our time is rushed once I pick her up in the evening. My plans for this evening is to get some cleaning done around the house. I feel like I'm neglecting my house but I just don't have the time to stay up on it like I used too.

I've decided to stay at my house for another 3-4 years. I figure I do some improvements/changes to the house and in the next few years, I can buy a bigger home with a big yard so Nina can get a fly swingset. I'm in the process of doing my office over & switching Nina's nursery to the bigger room. Everyone suggested I do that first but I wasn't hearing it, plus I was pregnant and the thought of switching those rooms over was overwhelming. So now I'm going to switch her to the bigger room so she can have more space once she starts getting around & all. I'm kina anxious to get it done now so I can finishing getting the rest of her pictures hung up and have some more room for all her stuff.

Ramblin:
I'm so sleepy; I have 1 more hour before I can go home; I want 2 cookies from Au Bon Pain; I'm praying that my bus is on time today so I can get home at a decent time; my desk is a mess and I think I'm gonna keep it this way until Monday(triflin); my calender for the summer is filling up with so many things to do & places to go; I'm so happy to be able to visit people so they can see Nina; I will be glad when this weather decideds what it really wants to do; I can't wait to hear how Cyrus trip to the zoo went; I love my nephew, he's the sweetest little boy; I'm wondering if I'll get a niece or a nephew this time around; I can't stop yawning; I can't wait to get home; me & Nina's godmother are going to the new Whole Foods 2morrow & I can't wait; I hope it doesn't rain; I got a new purse yesterday & it is so hot; I wanna go shopping but I don't know what I want....TGIF!!!

MY 1st Mother's Day!!!!

This is surreal...I'm a mommy. It all became real when my phone starting ringing at 6am and my Blackberry was going crazy with messages. I was like, WOW...today is about me and not only do I celebrate my mom, I'm celebrated as well. Nina & Will got me the nicest cards and my new washer & dryer will be coming soon-YEAH!!!! My sister & I prepared breakfast for mom & Ganny and then Will, Nina & I went to Georgetown for the day. The weather was beautiful and people were everywhere. We also went to the NAtional HArbor and then we went to visit his mother to give her gifts and let her spend some time with Nina. I wasnt trying to deal with the crowded restaurants but we did get to Stoney River Steakhouse later that evening with no problem. The food was fantastic as usual and I was tired. It was a full day but a very special one.

I thank God for allowing me to be able to be a mommy...its one of the best things I've ever done. I'm also thankful for Will being a great Daddy and being so hands-on helping me to raise Nina. I can't thank him enough for all that he does to make me & Nina's life so sweet. I'm most thankful for the most precious baby, Ms. Nina Nicole. She had to fight so early on in her life and that proves to me that she is truly destined for greatness. I couldn't stop thanking her enough for fighting so hard in her early months...I wouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day if she wasn't such a fighter so she's to be celebrated as well. SO now I'm looking forward to celebrating Father's Day, a holiday that I never celebrated but now I have a reason to do so.

I'm still smiling...it was a good day!!!!

Where Did the Weekend Go????

Its Monday already, I can't believe the weekend is over. I was looking forward to my weekend to spend with Nina and to get some rest...I did both of those things but it just went by so fast. Friday, Mom came over to spend some time with Nina and I did hair. Nina & got to bed around 11ish. Woke up Saturday morning and I held Nina all morning. I missed her this week since I went back to work and I know she's used to having me hold her so, that will be her treat on the weekends. We did absolutely nothing. Nellie came up to visit on Saturday amd my grandmother came over for a few as well. Will came down Saturday afternoon and we jusut chilled. Its funny how we always had something to do but now that Nina is here, chilling in the house is sufficient. Wanted to go to church on Sunday but the nasty weather kept me in. I didn't want to take Nina out in the mess. Watched Cy for Nikki while she went to church and me, Will & Nina laid around for the rest of the day. Did get a chance to wash some clothes, cook dinner & give Nina a bath.

Overall, I didn't do anything this weekend, but that was my plan anyway. I'm back to work for a full week and I'm tired yet thankful to have a job and to be able to live a comfortable lifestyle. Looking forward to my upcoming long weekend & my first Mother's Day. It feels so funny to be saying that I'm a mother but I'm loving it. Don't have any plans for the weekend but I'm looking forward to spending time with Nina and doing whatever it is I want to do.

BACK ON THE GRIND





I'm back to work(3rd day)...things are starting to come full circle. Nina is getting used to being with Ganny and her Dad & I are working well together with getting her to Ganny. This morning her Dad put her ear to the phone so I could talk to her and she was making all kinds of noise everytime I would say something. It made my heart melt to hear her sound so happy this morning. Its so funny picking her up in the evening, she gives me the strangest looks like, 'mommy where have u been'. My grandmother is loving & spoiling her so much so I know I have my hands full.

Yesterday was my second day back to work...not bad at all. Started with a 4:00am wake-up, shower & just as soon as I began to get dressed...who should I hear playing & cooing..Ms. Nina Nicole. I walked over to look at her and she gives me the biggest smile...dimples & all. What a refreshing way to get the day started. I tried to get her to go back to sleep but she wanted to play so...I sat aside 10 minutes to tickle her, play with her feet and give her nose kisses(our lil game we play). She refused to go back to sleep so every room I had to go in to get ready for work, I took her with me. Even while I was cooking my breakfast, I put her in her bouncy seat and she watched me while I cooked. She's the funniest baby. My mom kept her for me until it was time for her to go to Ganny's at 7am. So Nina & I were out of the house at 5am to my mom's where I fed her and rocked her to sleep before I left for work. I was really missing her when I left this morning but...I always tell her that Mommy has to work so I can give her the world when she's able to ask for it(lol).

My first day back to work was so exciting. President Obama came to my job to speak to us and I thought...what an ideal day to return to work. I was able to get very good pictures of him so Nina can have them in her scrapbook. Everyone was happy to see me back to work but most of all to see me happy & smiling & to know that Nina is great. Everyone can't believe that all my baby weight is gone(which wasn't much). I must admit that its refreshing to not have to worry about losing weight(that would just be another thing for me to worry about). Although I'm looking good, I still don't feel 100%. I havent been in the gym for almost a year. My body is used to that 3-4 day workout but I can't find time. So I continue to eat good & walk stairs as much as possible to keep my body tight.

Today, I'm feeling extra blessed. I feel like I'm floating and I know that God and all his blessings have so much to do with it. He has allowed me to grow more spirtually and I'm not taking anything for granted. A friend of mine told me today that I sound different...he said its something about the way I speak that has him excited about hearing what I've been up too. We haven't talked in over 6 mths and I was catching him up on what's been going on with me since the last time we talked. He was amazed at how strong I was/am through the whole ordeal with Nina but he followed with telling me how he always admired the way I carried myself, how I had a ray of "specialness" when he first met me and how he believes that God has big plans for me...hmn.... This grown man told me that I brought tears to his eyes when we talked...very powerful. He is someone who I admire and to hear him speak so highly of me confirmed that...maybe something good is about to happen...I believe it is. I have so many things that I want to do...and I'm going to make it happen, not only for me but for Nina. Everything I do is for a better life for her...she deserves it.

Countdown...

Its almost time for me to return to work. I've been out of work for a total of 6mths. I would love to stay home a little longer but its time for me to get back into the workforce. I'm so blessed to have been able to be home with her. She was in the hospital for 89 days so it was imperative for me to be home with her once she was released. I went to visit her everyday with the exception of one day when I was sick. So Nina is used to having her mommy in her face. Once I brought her home, it was hard because she was so small but the last few months has been so much fun. She's now over 11pds so my baby is a big girl. We've been to the mall, parks, visiting & shopping. I was looking forward to the day that I could take her out and now that time has come.

I'm going through separation anxiety but I'm so blessed to have my grandmother to care for her once I return to work. I'm going to miss being in her face everyday but at least I know she'll be in good hands. She is going to receive so much love and I know that I can relax while I'm away from her during the day.

God is so good..for so many reasons...this whole ordeal has made me a stronger person. I know that God never left me(even when I thought he did) and he was right by my side through this whole ordeal. Things are so much better now...or should I say, things are GREAT!!!! I'm loving being a mommy, its a feeling I can't begin to explain.

Catching Up...

Time has been flying. Its been almost 2 months since Nina has been home and the days are flying. I find myself losing track of time and the days of the week. My life is consumed with taking care of her...a full-time job. I'm not back to work yet and probably won't be going back until May so I'm enjoying spending everyday with Ms. Nina Nicole. She's doing so well. My babygirl is approaching 9pds and that is really great considering she was not quite 4 pds when we brought her home. Her appetite is increasing and she is up every 2 hours wanting to eat-WOW.

My baby shower was 2 weeks ago. It was kinda odd to have a shower now that Nina is here but it was the best. Being a person who doesn't really enjoy showers, mine was very unique. My friends & family did an excellent job and I was very pleased. Friends I haven't seen in years came to celebrate Nina's life and Will & I becoming parents. Nina received so many gifts that I still can't find room to put everything-we are blessed.

Will and I are parents...I think we're doing a great job. Now the attention has come back on us...where we stand...where we want to go as far as our relationship. Its hard being a parent and working on a relationship at the same time. I don't know where to draw the line. I know that we have to be in one another's lives for the sake of Nina, but what happens when we don't get along? We cant be selfish towards one another anymore, no more mini-breakups or stop talking for days...we have a child now so we have to be in one anothers lives. I love being a family with him but our lives have really changed and we both have recognized that we have a precious gift given to us from God that we must protect and for that reason, we must always respect one another no matter what.

The economy is out of control. Money is tight but I can say that I'm blessed. God has provided me the opportunity to be home with Nina for a few months. Its such a blessing when everything is costing $$ and I'm not getting paid. God is so good. I don't stress when bills come in because I know they're going to be paid. As long as the mortgage is paid, along with all the utilities and Nina is taken care of..anything else is extra.

Overall, life is good. I'm feeling real good about my life. I'm a mommy and I'm loving it. Nina is a great baby & she brings me so much joy. She has the best Daddy in the world who not only helps me raise her but loves her so much. I have a wonderful family who helps me with Nina and supports me along with my group of friends who are the best aunties & uncles in the world to Nina. I'm so blessed.