My Life is Changing...



My life has officially changed...Ms.Nina Nicole has been home for over a week and I'm in full mommy mode. Sleep...I can now look back on the days when I took it for granted...now I wish I could get some. I'm enjoying taking care of her...she is so much fun yet so much work. Feedings, diaper changing, Dr. appts...I could go on & on. Thank God for her father cause he really is on his job. I try to tell him as often as possible how much I appreciate him...he is definitely a great Dad. The 2 of us work well together as it pertains to Nina. We both have realized that having time to ourselves or just going out of town anytime we want is over...for right now. Just trying to watch a movie is a major task nowadays. But all for the love of Nina, she needs all of our attention and she gets it.

Everyone keeps telling me that time goes by really fast so cherish these days. I am. Each day with her is a blessing and I thank God for her. Most of all, I'm thankful that I'm able to be home with her and not have to be in a hurry to return to work. I need this time with her because I missed out on so much in the beginning when she was in the hospital. As the weather starts to get a little better, I'm looking forward to the spring so her & I can get out more. This weather right now is too germ infested and I refuse to take her out unless its to go to the Dr. Motherhood is definately a job, I'm enjoying it so far.

Baby Girl Nina



Baby girl came home today...I was anxious, nervous, excited...a whole lot of emotions going on. I'm sitting here watching her sleep...she looks so peaceful. I love her so-ooo much and I pray that God will cover her and allow her to become a great person. She's had to go through so much so early so everyone keeps telling me she's destined for greatness...I believe it. I'm looking forward to this journey of parenthood...I think I'm going to do just fine. I feel such a calm right now that everything is going to be ok, its just the "first mother" jitters that I hear all women experience.

Confession...I'm Afraid




I've been dealing with so many emotions the last few days and one of the things that I'm really trying to come to grips with is...being a parent. Now that Nina is here, I feel so overwhelmed. Not because she's a preemie but just the thought of being a good parent to her frightens me. I normally don't second guess myself but for some strange reason, I'm afraid that I'm not going to do well. I'm good under pressure and I do some of my best work when my back is against the wall but lately, I've been dealing with the fear of not doing a good job as a mother. I know I love her and I know that I have so much love to give her but I know that's not enough. I've always only had to think about myself, now I have Nina to think about. Before she came, I never worried about money, now all I can think about is if I'm going to have enough money to support her. I never worried about time and now it seems like there's not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do and be there for her. Its just crazy. I'm not sure if all new mothers go through this but I feel so embarrassed about this whole ordeal. I shouldn't be afraid...but I am. I know that God would have never blessed me with a child if he didn't think I was capable...but I have to confess, becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Expecting the Best.....

One of my best girlfriends(Keya) sent me an email, the title was, "A Wonderful Reminder from January 2008". The subject was, Expect Good Things by Joel Osteen. The email came right on time and I decided to keep it in my phone for those days when I need to be reminded of how blessed & fortunate I am. Some of the content that stuck with me was:

"God will meet you at the level of your expectations, if you expect little, you're going to receive little."

"Pay attention to what you're thinking about and make the choice to believe God for good things."

"When you go out each day, imagine there are blessings, favor, increase and promotion in your path."

"Stand strong when trouble comes, knowing that the best days are ahead."

"Expect goodness and mercy to chase you down; learn to raise your level of expectancy and instead of expecting the worst, expect the best.

"Make the choice to start each day expecting blessing, increase and favor and you'll see God do greater things."

And my favorite of them all: "Start confessing everyday that something good is going to happen to me today."

This email has helped me...I mean, it really has helped me to remain focused when things get rough. So I decided that I want to live my life based on the things from this powerful word. Each day as I always do, I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to be living. I thank him for my baby girl, Will, my family & friends and all the many blessings. I've now incorporated confessing that something good is going to happen...no matter what else goes on throughout my day, I'm believing that something good is going to happen. I believe that with this way of thinking, God will begin to allow me to see things clearer and have a better understanding of everything that is going on around me. Regardless of what may take lace, I'm trusting that if I expect good things to happen, they will.

I'm blessed...I know I am...God continues to remind me that he's never going to put more on me than I can handle. Even when things get tough, he always seems to calm my spirit...I know that its his spirit that keeps me. These past few days have been tough. Sometimes I lose track of time, the day of the week...I'm just living in the moment. I want to get back on track when i feel like I have it together. The past few months have been a journey and everyone seems to be concerned about me. I know that everyone is so used to me being so strong and have things all together, but that's not the case right now. Again, I know God is in control and I know he knows exactly what he's doing...I try not to question his work.

I never knew that I could love so much...so hard... This little girl is everything to me, I love her so much. I never imagined that becoming a parent could be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm being tested..I want to pass...I'm trying to be patient because I know there's a reason for me going through this experience. I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but I know it will be revealed. I've never cried, prayed or stressed so much in my entire life. THis is so different for me; actually, everything about me and my life has been different since I became pregnant back in May. My reason for living changed the day I found out I was with child. Everything was done in the best interest of the baby, and now she's here and my life has done a complete turn around.

2009 is Here!!!!!!





The New Year is here...came & went so fast. So much happened in 2008, but a new year is here and I'm ready!!! My baby girl came home for a few days but we had to take her back to the hospital for a few days, but all is well. She's growing to be such a big girl and we're so proud of her. Becoming a mother is so overwhelming...one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do but I know that God is going to see me through. I had Nina home with me for 2 days I got no sleep at all(lol). Was nervous about her sleeping and was even more nervous when she was awake...I guess that's how its going to be for a while. THis is all new to me. Once she comes back home, I'm ready...for whatever. I already know that it won't be easy and my sleep will be limited, but thank God that I can stay at home with her for a while. I love her so much..each day she's doing something different and showing me that she is a big girl.

This year is starting off ok. Trying to get my house in order and looking forward to growing more spiritually. My relationship with God has definately grown this year. I've truly needed him more than ever this year(especially the last few months). I want so much for this year to be a year of growth. I have so many things that I want & need to happen and I know that God is going to see me through. I want to enjoy life and not just live each day because its necessary. I want to have a purpose, reasons to want to go the extra mile, strength to push further to make things happen...I want it all. I want 2009 to be the year that I can say, "I Did It" and that pertains to whatever it is I want to do. I want to be the best mother...I want to publish a book...I want to truly decide on a career...I want to get closer to God...I want to be a better friend...I want to be financially secure...I want to be healthy...I want to be a positive thinker...I want to reach for the stars.....I want it all. No resolutions here for 2009...I just want to go for it and be able to make it happen.

CHRISTMAS..What a wonderful Surprise!!!





Christmas was wonderful. In spite of Nina being in the hospital, it turned out very well. It started with me being a little down on Xmas Eve; just hated that I had to spend another holiday with out baby girl but I got myself together. Xmas morning started with the family tradition of breakfast. When Will & arrived at my aunts, I noticed my mom had a shirt on with what I thought was Nina's face...and it was. Once I started to look around, I noticed the WHOLE family with shirts with Nina's face. When I say the whole family, that included the babies & all. I lost it...I was already emotional but I broke all the way down. I thought it was the sweetest thing they could've done-I totally didn't expect it. They wanted to make sure that Nina was with us so seeing her face everywhere I turned was incredible. It made for a better morning because I was very emotional.

I love my family and in spite of our differences, we always come together to support one another. I will never forget what they did for us and when Nina gets older, I will tell her about what her family did for her 1st Christmas. Once breakfast was over, we went to see baby girl. She looked so cute in her red sleeper & Santa hat. I was so-ooo excited to see her(as always). We spent the remainder of the evening with her and then went to my grandmothers for some food & fun. My lil cousins are so funny. I can't help but reflect back to when they were babies and now they're all teenagers/young adults.

Christmas is over...now the New Year is fast approaching. I have so much to be thankful for. Its been a rough year...alot of lessons learned in 2008 and I'm looking forward to 2009. I'm a mommy now of a beautiful, strong & healthy little girl and that's one of the things I'm most happy about and the fact that she may be coming home with me real soon is even better. As I always say, God is so good and if I ever trusted him before, I definitely trust him now. His power is remarkable and I plan to continue to praise him all my life...he is so good. 2009...here I come!!!

CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE.......

Xmas is 2 days away...I really can't believe it. I guess I can say I'm ready, I've done all the shopping that I'm going to do and it wasn't much. I'm just looking forward to some time off, chilling with the family, eating some good food and celebrating Nina's first Xmas. I'm trying to get myself built up so I won't be too emotional not having her with me on Xmas. I know she's doing well and that she will be home soon enough. The NICU is having a brunch for the families of the baby's who will be in the hospital for the holidays; I thought that was very nice so I made sure I changed my day off to be there. I think it will be nice to be able to chat with some of the folks who are going through what I'm going through or have been down this road before. What brings me great joy is that I know my baby girl time is winding down and she's getting closer to coming home. She's impressing the folks at the hospital...way ahead of her lil' time. She's a fighter(her Dad says she gets that from him)and she is proving that to us everyday. So with the holidays fast approaching, I'm so blessed for so many reasons. All the superficial stuff doesn't even matter anymore.

POWERFUL QUOTE

This morning, I came across this quote while reading my morning inspiration booklet, and I had to post it...

"A miracle needs no explanation to those who believe in God; to those who don't, no explanantion is enough."

This confirms what I've been thinking all along, especially lately. So many miracles have been unfolding right in front of my very eyes and I know its the work of God. Sometimes when I try to explain myself, I become speechless because I become overwhelmed...God is amazing!!!

First Day Back

I made it...my first day back to work after being off for 8 weeks. It wasn't too bad getting up, driving to the bus stop or getting back in the swing of things but once I thought about being so far away from Nina, I lost it. Out of nowhere, I began to cry...I was missing her...concerned that if anything happened to her I was all the way in DC and I couldn't just jump in my car and get to her. Oh my goodnes...it just hit me out of nowhere and I began to cry like crazy. I got myself together after talking to mom and she explained to me that all mother's go through a series of emotions when they have to leave their child & go back to work. And it doesn't stop there, I got the rest of Nina's life to be worried about her: first day of school, prom, college...I'm just getting started. The more people kept asking about her, the more anxious I got about getting off from work & getting to her.

Once I got on the bus, all I could think about is getting Nina and kissing her. I literally ran to her room when I got to the hospital and what was even funnier was as I was driving to the hospital to see her, so was her Daddy. I guess he was missing her too. When I got to her room, she immedidately opened her eyes and began smiling & kicking...she missed me too. Since I've been on maternity leave, shes used to me coming to the hospital and spending hours with her. Today was a bit different because I only had 1 1/2 hours to hold her before I had to get home and get ready for work. I'm already anxious about seeinig her tomorrow. I can't wait to be able to have her home with me. She is going to get so many hugs & kisses. So tomorrow, its back to the drawing board. I will be going back in the office tomorrow and hopefully I can get some much needed work done. But what I'm most looking forward to is seeing my baby girl when I get off.

Back to the Basics...

Tomorrow, I return to work from being off for 8 weeks on maternity leave. It feels kinda strange returning to work knowing that I will be going back out on maternity leave as soon as Nina comes home. I'm restless...I'm so used to going to bed late and now I have to make myself go to bed so I can get up. The crazy thing is, since I've been home on maternity leave, I'm up every 3 hours pumping...so that whole 'get your rest before the baby comes home' really doesn't apply to me because I'm up already. I'm trying not to focus on how different my days are going to be...bringing my breast pump to work & having to pump 3 times while at work; having to go see my baby girl after I get off(I don't mind) and making sure I spend some time with her; trying to get home and get into the routine of being on a schedule...its all so overwhelming to thnk about but I know I'm going to be ok.

Time is Flying....Xmas is almost here



Oh my goodness, Christmas is almost here. Everytime I walk in the stores I'm constantly reminded of the fact that time is flying. Of course, in some instances, time is moving very slow for me but, I can't believe that its only 14 days til Xmas. I'm not doing all the shopping & stuff that I normally do. I had already planned not to when I was pregnant & now that Nina is here, I'm too consumed to do alot of shopping plus, with a new baby...money is tight. But it doesn't matter, I have the best Xmas gift I could ever want, and that's my baby girl. Even though she won't be home for her first Xmas, the fact that she's here is all that matters.

Today was a Good Day

Like any ordinary day, I go and spend some time with my baby girl. Normally, I sit and talk to her, sing to her and at the end of my vist, I always pray for her. Lately, she's been so alert...I walk in her room and her eyes are wide open looking around. Now that she's beginning to be up more, its harder for me to leave her because I think she recognizes that I'm leaving her once again & it saddens my heart.

Today was a happy/emotional day. Nina's nurse suggested that I give her a bath...not a wipe down, but a bath. I was a nervous wreck. Being that she's still small, I wasn't sure how it was going to work but, it did. Simple things like washing her face, hair & her little feet made me all tickly...I was super excited. She cried for a minute because she had to get used to being in the water but she began to relax and enjoy her bath. The nurse thought that it would be nice for me to experience bathing her because not only would it be another way of us bonding but, I will in fact have to get used to bathing her once she comes home.

I also got the opportunity to feed her(nurse) for the first time. It was so...I can't put it in words. Just to be able to give my baby something that nobody else could give her just confirmed just how happy I am to be her mommy. Her nurse was really excited on how well Nina did with bathng & nursing...she's becoming to be such a big girl. Its still a rough road being the parent of a preemie but each day is getting a little easier. Its so funny, nothing else really matters right now...just being there for Nina is what makes me smile.

Oh boy, my life has changed so much...never expected to feel the way I'm feeling, but its great. I've had to grow up really fast and even though Nina is not at home with me, I feel the load of being a parent already.

My Baby Girl is the BEST!!!

I am so proud of my baby girl. She is just fighting...and I'm so happy. I just spoke with her nurse and she told me that my Nina has graduated to more feedings, less oxygen and gained more grams. WAY TO GO NINA!!! It always makes my heart happy to get good reports. Everyday is still a struggle for me. I'm always wondering if she's ok and if she's going to be ok. I make sure that I ask so many questions when I talk to her nurses and they really appreciate it when I do. So its been 47 days since Nina's been born and she's now 2pds 5 ozs. She's filling in so much. I remember when I could hold her with one hand, nowadays, I'm holding her with both hands. She's is so adorable...I love her so much. Nina Nicole, you are the BEST, Mommy loves you so much!!!!

I Love My Baby Girl Nina!!!

Being a mother is new for me. Some days I still can't believe that she's here. When I visit her, I just stare at her in amazement...she's mine...and God has blessed me with such a beautiful little girl. When I hold her, I just can't stop kissing her, smelling, squeezing and staring at her. She's everything to me. Each day she's progressing...growing into a big girl(all 2 pounds of her). This road of being a preemie parent isn't easy, but in the last few weeks it has gotten better. My baby girl is tolerating her feedings, doing well with her breathing, all her bodily functions are working...she's just doing so well. Me & her Daddy can't wait for her to come home and all my friends & family are anxiously awaiting for her to get the opportunity to spoil her. I thank God for my precious Nina....I love her so much.

Giving Thanks

With so much going on in the last few months, I'm still able to give thanks for everything that God has blessed me with. And even though some days are a little rough, I'm still able to reflect on the many blessings and all I can say is "thanks" because God is so good. With the holidays here, I haven't been truly in the greatest mood due to the fact that I'm dealing with not having my baby girl home with me. But, I think about how she's here, breathing, growing & progressing and all I can do is be thankful for her. She's in the best place right now, getting the best care and all I can do is be grateful.

On Thanksgiving, I was able to enjoy myself a little. I went to visit some family and then Will & I went to spend some time with our baby girl. It amazes me how she recognizes us as soon as we enter her room. It makes my heart so happy when she kicks and smiles for me when I say her name, or how she struggles to keep her eyes open and grabs the tip of Will's finger when he talks to her. These little things are very big to us and I'm forever thankful for God picking her just for me.

My life is starting to get back to normal. I'm feeling more like myself lately instead of a crazy woman. I've been able to take care of some business, get the house cleaned and even start doing some of the things I love like baking. In the next ew weeks I'll be returning to work until Nina is able to come home. I truly miss being productive but I know that I needed to be home to heal.

So many reasons to be thankful...so many reasons to smile...so many reasons to give God the praise...so many reasons to live...

Things are Getting Better



My baby girl is doing better. The beginning of the week was a struggle for her but she's still fighting. The last few days, she's been doing better on her feedings, breathing and she's even gained a few ounces. I love her so-ooo much...I'm routing for her and I know so many others are as well. Keep up the good work my precious Nina Nicole....Mommy loves you so much!!!!!

Emotional, Overwhelmed, but Trying to Keep it Together


Over the last few weeks, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm home recovering from having my baby and trying to get myself together physically & emotionally. Everyday, I'm at the hospital visiting my baby girl. Its still hard to see her so small but it always gives me great hope when I see her fighting. I love her so much. The life of a preemie parent is a new experience for me and probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I bought a book to help me understand this cycle as well as the terminology used in the NICU by the nurses. I've had the opportunity to talk with some wonderful people who have gone through this same experience and its refreshing to hear them tell me that this is just a moment in time and one day I'll be able to look back and see how I was able to make it through this rough time. Time seems to be moving so slow, I wish I could just fast forward and I could have my baby girl home with me, but I know that this is a process and I must be patient.

I've also wondered why God chose me for this particular situation. I don't normally like to question him but I can't help but to wonder, Why Me? Maybe he feels that I can handle it or maybe he's preparing me to be a support for someone else who will have to go through this as well, I don't know. But, I've been praying like never before because somedays, I really feel like I'm losing it. Today marks 3 weeks that my baby girl was born. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Its still hard to believe that I'm a Mom and this experience has opened my eyes to how much responsibility it is to being a parent. Nina is everything to me. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. I just pray that God continues to strengthen Nina and help her to keep fighting and to help me deal with my emotions and become stronger.

MY BABY IS HERE!!!

On Tuesday, October 21st, I delivered my baby girl, Nina Nicole Brewster. She arrived at 5:35am by emergency C-Section and she came 3 months early. She weighed
1pd/6ozs & 11 1/2 inches long. I didn't expect her to arrive so soon but for some reason, she decided that she needed to arrive early. The whole ordeal has me emotionally drained but I'm grateful that God allowed her to make it. Now, she's fighting to grow stronger & healthier so I can bring her home. The Dr.s estimate that she will be under the care of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for at least 2 months and although I wish I could bring her home with me, I know she's in the best place, getting the best care. Everyday that I visit her is hard because I hate to leave her. I know she knows that I love her and she makes it known when she squeezes my finger. I never thought that I would be so in love with someone...I knew I loved her the first time I laid eyes on her. Its amazing to feel so much love for someone.
I hear that for the next 2 months, I will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Preemies have a way of having really good periods and they're usually followed by several setbacks. I've always felt that I was a pretty strong woman but I feel like I'm breaking down, but I have to constantly remind myself that Nina needs me and I know she feeds off of my strength so I have to be strong for her. But its so hard. I know that God can do anything and I'm trusting in him to help me to be strong, patient, optimistic & confident and I'm trusting in him to help my baby girl to continue to fight.
This whole experience has humbled me to know end. It also has confirmed that no matter how much you plan, things are going to go the way that God wants them to go. I still don't understand why God has chose me to go through this experience, but I'm assuming that he feels that I can handle it. There are so many prayers going up for Nina. Everyday someone is calling me to let me know that they're praying for both Nina & I and I'm very thankful. Ms. Nina Nicole is my everything...everything I do from here on out is to make a better life for her. She deserves the best and I know that God chose her just for me. And even though during this time I feel like I'm going crazy, I thank God for all his blessings, especially my precious baby Nina.