Today is one of those days where I feel like nobody understands me. I'm dealing with some heavy personal issues right now and I don't feel like I can express it to anyone...I just don't think anyone would understand. Its a long weekend for me, I'm going out of town and I should be excited...but everything else around me is distracting me from looking forward to this 3 day getaway.
Today, I want to just pack up my things, sell my house and move to another state. I think if I do that, I can escape some of the issues that I'm dealing with. Why don't people realize that I can't save everybody...sometimes I can't save my damn self. Its enough work dealing with myself and all my crap...but to deal with others crap is just too much sometimes.
People that I love are hurting & confused...I'm trying to help them to heal but in the process, I'm feeling down...I know I can't save the world but I hate to see people that I love hurt and/or do stupid things.
Today is just not a good day but I swear that I'm going to do everything to make it better. I'm challenging myself to come out of this funk by noon today.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
"Everyday I'm Hustling.........."
Whoa...this weekend was one of those weekends when I agree with my girls when they call me the lil' Jamaican...I was on my grind this weekend. The kids go back to school this week and I was busy doing hair all weekend. I had a few hours to get myself together but for the most part I was hustling. Friday I didn't make it to work therefore I had the opportunity to get an early start. Saturday morning, I was up early gettin' it in and didn't finish until late that evening. Sunday morning, I was back at it again...getting all the kiddies done for the first day of school(I don't normally work on the Lord's day).
Although I was tired, I went to the movies with main man on Saturday. I don't understand why everything he picks to see at the movies has to be alot of shooting & killing(WTF). We went to D&B for some food & drinks afterwards. On Sunday, mom & Ganny came over for a bit, along with sister. Main man wanted dinner, so I hooked that up and then we went to TCBY for dessert(yep, we drove all the way to Columbia for frozen yogurt). He was supposed to hang out with the fellas but I guess he had second thoughts and wanted to chill with mama for the day(isn't that sweet).
So...the weekend was cool...very busy but its just one of those things. That's the story of my life...hustling & grinding...somebody's gotta do it.
Whoa...this weekend was one of those weekends when I agree with my girls when they call me the lil' Jamaican...I was on my grind this weekend. The kids go back to school this week and I was busy doing hair all weekend. I had a few hours to get myself together but for the most part I was hustling. Friday I didn't make it to work therefore I had the opportunity to get an early start. Saturday morning, I was up early gettin' it in and didn't finish until late that evening. Sunday morning, I was back at it again...getting all the kiddies done for the first day of school(I don't normally work on the Lord's day).
Although I was tired, I went to the movies with main man on Saturday. I don't understand why everything he picks to see at the movies has to be alot of shooting & killing(WTF). We went to D&B for some food & drinks afterwards. On Sunday, mom & Ganny came over for a bit, along with sister. Main man wanted dinner, so I hooked that up and then we went to TCBY for dessert(yep, we drove all the way to Columbia for frozen yogurt). He was supposed to hang out with the fellas but I guess he had second thoughts and wanted to chill with mama for the day(isn't that sweet).
So...the weekend was cool...very busy but its just one of those things. That's the story of my life...hustling & grinding...somebody's gotta do it.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
"Faith....its something about that word"
On Sunday evening, main man had an emergency at his job that he had to handle and I end up riding with him why he handled the situation. While waiting in the lobby for him, I end up having a conversation with the concierge at the front desk. He was a foreigner and we began just chatting about things that were going on in the world and how God is sending signs to let the world know he's on his way back. Well...to make a long story short, he began telling me how he was raised a Muslim but heard the voice of God at a very young age. He kept this from his parents who were Muslims cause he knew they would condemn him. Late one night he responded to the voice by praying and giving God thanks and his mother overheard, who in turn told his father. His father chastised him and told him that he had heard that he had become a christian and he put him out of the house(he was only 13). This started years of doors being closed in his face and being homeless because his family had threatened anyone who took him in...but through it all, this young boy never denied his faith and what he believed in, he stood firm. Years later, he finally made it to this country through a missionary who brought his story to the State Department, and he ended up coming to this country. He struggled once he got here, not having any skills or speaking little English but people who saw the God in him and knew that he stood firm in his beliefs looked out for him and gave him opportunities that he would've never imagined.
Today, this grown man is doing well, God has sent him a wife who he's anxiously waiting to get to the US by the end of the year, he has 2 well paying jobs and most of all, he's still a soldier for the Lord...his belief is stronger than ever. He expressed to me that it was only God that helped him to make it through all the homelessness, the betrayal from his family, the threats from his country, the odd jobs that he had to take just to support himself & most of all, getting him here to the US....a true example of a person who remained faithful to God in spite of adversity.
This encounter with this man touched me so much...I was so glad to have had the opportunity to speak with him because it made me search deep within. I know that God is who he is and I know my faith has been tested on numerous occasions but, talking to this man made me realize that if he could go through all that he did and still be able to trust God...I know that when things get rough for me & I begin to wonder, "where are u God" if I just continue to pray, and not give up on him and just stand still...I know that I will hear from him and he will come through for me...he always does. Not that I ever doubted him..but just to hear a testimony such as this man's confirmed once again that God is who he said he is...and I'm so glad to be a child of his because I know that without him, I'm nothing. My faith is sometimes tested but I will NEVER stop trusting & believing in him...no matter what.
On Sunday evening, main man had an emergency at his job that he had to handle and I end up riding with him why he handled the situation. While waiting in the lobby for him, I end up having a conversation with the concierge at the front desk. He was a foreigner and we began just chatting about things that were going on in the world and how God is sending signs to let the world know he's on his way back. Well...to make a long story short, he began telling me how he was raised a Muslim but heard the voice of God at a very young age. He kept this from his parents who were Muslims cause he knew they would condemn him. Late one night he responded to the voice by praying and giving God thanks and his mother overheard, who in turn told his father. His father chastised him and told him that he had heard that he had become a christian and he put him out of the house(he was only 13). This started years of doors being closed in his face and being homeless because his family had threatened anyone who took him in...but through it all, this young boy never denied his faith and what he believed in, he stood firm. Years later, he finally made it to this country through a missionary who brought his story to the State Department, and he ended up coming to this country. He struggled once he got here, not having any skills or speaking little English but people who saw the God in him and knew that he stood firm in his beliefs looked out for him and gave him opportunities that he would've never imagined.
Today, this grown man is doing well, God has sent him a wife who he's anxiously waiting to get to the US by the end of the year, he has 2 well paying jobs and most of all, he's still a soldier for the Lord...his belief is stronger than ever. He expressed to me that it was only God that helped him to make it through all the homelessness, the betrayal from his family, the threats from his country, the odd jobs that he had to take just to support himself & most of all, getting him here to the US....a true example of a person who remained faithful to God in spite of adversity.
This encounter with this man touched me so much...I was so glad to have had the opportunity to speak with him because it made me search deep within. I know that God is who he is and I know my faith has been tested on numerous occasions but, talking to this man made me realize that if he could go through all that he did and still be able to trust God...I know that when things get rough for me & I begin to wonder, "where are u God" if I just continue to pray, and not give up on him and just stand still...I know that I will hear from him and he will come through for me...he always does. Not that I ever doubted him..but just to hear a testimony such as this man's confirmed once again that God is who he said he is...and I'm so glad to be a child of his because I know that without him, I'm nothing. My faith is sometimes tested but I will NEVER stop trusting & believing in him...no matter what.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Nothing Special...Just thankful for a long weekend.
This weekend was cool...didn't do too much but I'm still very tired. I was off on Friday since I had to come in on my day off for a presentation. I returned to work last week from being off for 6 days (conference in Florida) and my work week was super busy. I received 2 awards last week at work(I'm so proud of me). Thursday evening, I went to pickup god-daughter #2(Ahteona) so she could spend the night with me...I was so happy to see her, and from the big smile on her face, she was happy to see me too. We came back to the house & chilled, I did her hair and she just kicked back. She is so pretty(just like her mom Keya) and so well mannered. My girl Keya has raised her well. Friday, we hing out, took her to the mall and bought her a few things (she wasn't expecting that) and then later that evening, I had to take her back to her Dad(she was upset). It made my heart heavy that she didn't want to go but I was a little tickled that she wanted to stay with me...I guess I still get cool points for being a great godmommy/auntie.
My Saturday was back to normal, doing hair all day. I chilled for the remainder of the evening and had planned to have a very quiet, evening alone until...main man came down and he decided once he got to the house that he didn't want to hang out with his boys...so...
Got up Sunday morning and didn't make churhc so I decided to pick up godaughter #3(Myriah). She's been trying to get me to pickup her up and do something so I scooped her and we went to brunch(Jaspers) and shopping(once again, in the stores). I had a good time with her and I know that's all she wanted was some attention from her godmother since I've been so busy. I had to go in Mommy mode with her and school her about somethings(I hate being a disciplinary) but we got it together and Ms, Lady is going to be fine.
Came home, cooked dinner(it was so good) and did somethings around the house. Main man was starving prior to coming to the house(he always says that) so he ate dinner like it was his last supper(he thinks I'm the best cook) and we kicked back. My sister came over(I love her so-ooo much) and the 3 of us talked a little, and then her & I went to see Mom & Ganny.
To top the weekend off, main man & I went and had ice cream and sat outside & ate it(that was so cute) and just talked. I haven't worked a full week in almost 3 weeks so I turned in early so I could get ready for today.....nothing exciting, but thank god for the weekends.
This weekend was cool...didn't do too much but I'm still very tired. I was off on Friday since I had to come in on my day off for a presentation. I returned to work last week from being off for 6 days (conference in Florida) and my work week was super busy. I received 2 awards last week at work(I'm so proud of me). Thursday evening, I went to pickup god-daughter #2(Ahteona) so she could spend the night with me...I was so happy to see her, and from the big smile on her face, she was happy to see me too. We came back to the house & chilled, I did her hair and she just kicked back. She is so pretty(just like her mom Keya) and so well mannered. My girl Keya has raised her well. Friday, we hing out, took her to the mall and bought her a few things (she wasn't expecting that) and then later that evening, I had to take her back to her Dad(she was upset). It made my heart heavy that she didn't want to go but I was a little tickled that she wanted to stay with me...I guess I still get cool points for being a great godmommy/auntie.
My Saturday was back to normal, doing hair all day. I chilled for the remainder of the evening and had planned to have a very quiet, evening alone until...main man came down and he decided once he got to the house that he didn't want to hang out with his boys...so...
Got up Sunday morning and didn't make churhc so I decided to pick up godaughter #3(Myriah). She's been trying to get me to pickup her up and do something so I scooped her and we went to brunch(Jaspers) and shopping(once again, in the stores). I had a good time with her and I know that's all she wanted was some attention from her godmother since I've been so busy. I had to go in Mommy mode with her and school her about somethings(I hate being a disciplinary) but we got it together and Ms, Lady is going to be fine.
Came home, cooked dinner(it was so good) and did somethings around the house. Main man was starving prior to coming to the house(he always says that) so he ate dinner like it was his last supper(he thinks I'm the best cook) and we kicked back. My sister came over(I love her so-ooo much) and the 3 of us talked a little, and then her & I went to see Mom & Ganny.
To top the weekend off, main man & I went and had ice cream and sat outside & ate it(that was so cute) and just talked. I haven't worked a full week in almost 3 weeks so I turned in early so I could get ready for today.....nothing exciting, but thank god for the weekends.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
BRICKS....Keep Em' Coming
WOW....today has been one of those days...so much going on and every time I think I've heard enough, something else happens. Each time I'm confronted with something, its like another brick being laid...I feel like someone is building a house on top of me...I'm heavy.
After returning from a wonderful 6 days in Florida(that blog is coming soon), I find out that my grandmother & mother both had been hospitalized. Both of them were confined to the bed for different reasons but the bottom line, the both of them weren't feeling well. So I automatically go into over-drive to make sure the both of them are comfortable & getting back to their normal selves. Then I turn around and get some bad news about my father being VERY ill(that's another blog)...now I'm wondering, what am I to do? Am I to step up and try to be there for him after almost 35 years of my life, him not really being there for me(heavy stuff...)? Then, I find that family members are ungrateful, selfish, ghetto, ignorant...some people no matter what, just don't see a reason to change for the better. Then...everyone seems to think I have Bank of America taped to my forehead...WOW...I do have my own bills, and personal things that I need MY money for. I don't work 40 hours a week for everyone else's issues(whoa...). And...my house isn't clean...I've been home for almost a 5 days now and I can't seem to get motivated to clean my house...wash clothes & unpack my suitcase. My car has to go in the shop on Friday and that's about $800-$900 dollars to get a major service done...like I said, I'm heavy.
I'm getting off from work to go to the dentist to get my crown ($750) put on, I have some errands to run when I really just want to go home...oh, by the way, its 102 degrees outside today.....bricks...major bricks being laid on me today...but I'm going to be ok....and this too shall pass.
WOW....today has been one of those days...so much going on and every time I think I've heard enough, something else happens. Each time I'm confronted with something, its like another brick being laid...I feel like someone is building a house on top of me...I'm heavy.
After returning from a wonderful 6 days in Florida(that blog is coming soon), I find out that my grandmother & mother both had been hospitalized. Both of them were confined to the bed for different reasons but the bottom line, the both of them weren't feeling well. So I automatically go into over-drive to make sure the both of them are comfortable & getting back to their normal selves. Then I turn around and get some bad news about my father being VERY ill(that's another blog)...now I'm wondering, what am I to do? Am I to step up and try to be there for him after almost 35 years of my life, him not really being there for me(heavy stuff...)? Then, I find that family members are ungrateful, selfish, ghetto, ignorant...some people no matter what, just don't see a reason to change for the better. Then...everyone seems to think I have Bank of America taped to my forehead...WOW...I do have my own bills, and personal things that I need MY money for. I don't work 40 hours a week for everyone else's issues(whoa...). And...my house isn't clean...I've been home for almost a 5 days now and I can't seem to get motivated to clean my house...wash clothes & unpack my suitcase. My car has to go in the shop on Friday and that's about $800-$900 dollars to get a major service done...like I said, I'm heavy.
I'm getting off from work to go to the dentist to get my crown ($750) put on, I have some errands to run when I really just want to go home...oh, by the way, its 102 degrees outside today.....bricks...major bricks being laid on me today...but I'm going to be ok....and this too shall pass.
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