My Life is Changing...



My life has officially changed...Ms.Nina Nicole has been home for over a week and I'm in full mommy mode. Sleep...I can now look back on the days when I took it for granted...now I wish I could get some. I'm enjoying taking care of her...she is so much fun yet so much work. Feedings, diaper changing, Dr. appts...I could go on & on. Thank God for her father cause he really is on his job. I try to tell him as often as possible how much I appreciate him...he is definitely a great Dad. The 2 of us work well together as it pertains to Nina. We both have realized that having time to ourselves or just going out of town anytime we want is over...for right now. Just trying to watch a movie is a major task nowadays. But all for the love of Nina, she needs all of our attention and she gets it.

Everyone keeps telling me that time goes by really fast so cherish these days. I am. Each day with her is a blessing and I thank God for her. Most of all, I'm thankful that I'm able to be home with her and not have to be in a hurry to return to work. I need this time with her because I missed out on so much in the beginning when she was in the hospital. As the weather starts to get a little better, I'm looking forward to the spring so her & I can get out more. This weather right now is too germ infested and I refuse to take her out unless its to go to the Dr. Motherhood is definately a job, I'm enjoying it so far.

Baby Girl Nina



Baby girl came home today...I was anxious, nervous, excited...a whole lot of emotions going on. I'm sitting here watching her sleep...she looks so peaceful. I love her so-ooo much and I pray that God will cover her and allow her to become a great person. She's had to go through so much so early so everyone keeps telling me she's destined for greatness...I believe it. I'm looking forward to this journey of parenthood...I think I'm going to do just fine. I feel such a calm right now that everything is going to be ok, its just the "first mother" jitters that I hear all women experience.

Confession...I'm Afraid




I've been dealing with so many emotions the last few days and one of the things that I'm really trying to come to grips with is...being a parent. Now that Nina is here, I feel so overwhelmed. Not because she's a preemie but just the thought of being a good parent to her frightens me. I normally don't second guess myself but for some strange reason, I'm afraid that I'm not going to do well. I'm good under pressure and I do some of my best work when my back is against the wall but lately, I've been dealing with the fear of not doing a good job as a mother. I know I love her and I know that I have so much love to give her but I know that's not enough. I've always only had to think about myself, now I have Nina to think about. Before she came, I never worried about money, now all I can think about is if I'm going to have enough money to support her. I never worried about time and now it seems like there's not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do and be there for her. Its just crazy. I'm not sure if all new mothers go through this but I feel so embarrassed about this whole ordeal. I shouldn't be afraid...but I am. I know that God would have never blessed me with a child if he didn't think I was capable...but I have to confess, becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Expecting the Best.....

One of my best girlfriends(Keya) sent me an email, the title was, "A Wonderful Reminder from January 2008". The subject was, Expect Good Things by Joel Osteen. The email came right on time and I decided to keep it in my phone for those days when I need to be reminded of how blessed & fortunate I am. Some of the content that stuck with me was:

"God will meet you at the level of your expectations, if you expect little, you're going to receive little."

"Pay attention to what you're thinking about and make the choice to believe God for good things."

"When you go out each day, imagine there are blessings, favor, increase and promotion in your path."

"Stand strong when trouble comes, knowing that the best days are ahead."

"Expect goodness and mercy to chase you down; learn to raise your level of expectancy and instead of expecting the worst, expect the best.

"Make the choice to start each day expecting blessing, increase and favor and you'll see God do greater things."

And my favorite of them all: "Start confessing everyday that something good is going to happen to me today."

This email has helped me...I mean, it really has helped me to remain focused when things get rough. So I decided that I want to live my life based on the things from this powerful word. Each day as I always do, I thank God for allowing me another opportunity to be living. I thank him for my baby girl, Will, my family & friends and all the many blessings. I've now incorporated confessing that something good is going to happen...no matter what else goes on throughout my day, I'm believing that something good is going to happen. I believe that with this way of thinking, God will begin to allow me to see things clearer and have a better understanding of everything that is going on around me. Regardless of what may take lace, I'm trusting that if I expect good things to happen, they will.

I'm blessed...I know I am...God continues to remind me that he's never going to put more on me than I can handle. Even when things get tough, he always seems to calm my spirit...I know that its his spirit that keeps me. These past few days have been tough. Sometimes I lose track of time, the day of the week...I'm just living in the moment. I want to get back on track when i feel like I have it together. The past few months have been a journey and everyone seems to be concerned about me. I know that everyone is so used to me being so strong and have things all together, but that's not the case right now. Again, I know God is in control and I know he knows exactly what he's doing...I try not to question his work.

I never knew that I could love so much...so hard... This little girl is everything to me, I love her so much. I never imagined that becoming a parent could be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm being tested..I want to pass...I'm trying to be patient because I know there's a reason for me going through this experience. I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but I know it will be revealed. I've never cried, prayed or stressed so much in my entire life. THis is so different for me; actually, everything about me and my life has been different since I became pregnant back in May. My reason for living changed the day I found out I was with child. Everything was done in the best interest of the baby, and now she's here and my life has done a complete turn around.

2009 is Here!!!!!!





The New Year is here...came & went so fast. So much happened in 2008, but a new year is here and I'm ready!!! My baby girl came home for a few days but we had to take her back to the hospital for a few days, but all is well. She's growing to be such a big girl and we're so proud of her. Becoming a mother is so overwhelming...one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do but I know that God is going to see me through. I had Nina home with me for 2 days I got no sleep at all(lol). Was nervous about her sleeping and was even more nervous when she was awake...I guess that's how its going to be for a while. THis is all new to me. Once she comes back home, I'm ready...for whatever. I already know that it won't be easy and my sleep will be limited, but thank God that I can stay at home with her for a while. I love her so much..each day she's doing something different and showing me that she is a big girl.

This year is starting off ok. Trying to get my house in order and looking forward to growing more spiritually. My relationship with God has definately grown this year. I've truly needed him more than ever this year(especially the last few months). I want so much for this year to be a year of growth. I have so many things that I want & need to happen and I know that God is going to see me through. I want to enjoy life and not just live each day because its necessary. I want to have a purpose, reasons to want to go the extra mile, strength to push further to make things happen...I want it all. I want 2009 to be the year that I can say, "I Did It" and that pertains to whatever it is I want to do. I want to be the best mother...I want to publish a book...I want to truly decide on a career...I want to get closer to God...I want to be a better friend...I want to be financially secure...I want to be healthy...I want to be a positive thinker...I want to reach for the stars.....I want it all. No resolutions here for 2009...I just want to go for it and be able to make it happen.