Mixed Emotions

For the last few days my emotions have been up, down, left, right....all mixed up. I wonder sometimes if being confused is good? It kinda gives you a chance to appreciate & evaluate the good & bad. So, I'm just remaining still because I try not to make decisions based on my emotions, but what's best for me and what feels good. So right now, going with the flow is working for me.

I sometimes wish I could get in that head of his and maybe I could be able to understand why he does what he do. He realizes that things have changed but his actions are acting as if things have not. I know he loves me and being a family is what he wants but I also realize that he's not mature enough to realize that having your family requires constant work. Not just this week or next week...its an everyday job. Things aren't going to always be fun(as he puts it) or a bed of roses. We passed that stage sometime ago and once babygirl came, we don't have alot of time to "have fun" just the 2 of us anymore, but now we have a responsibility that will be with us forever.

I love being a mommy...the responsibility of it all hasn't overwhelmed me but it has definately changed me. I hear from woman all the time that once they have a baby, things change...especially your relationship. I would say that it has made the relationship stronger but at the same time, it has brought out alot of issues that we've had to confront. I want my family and I'm willing to fight for it but I need him to step up as well. Money, Gucci bags, jewelry...all those wonderful tangible things that he loves to shower me with is not what I want (or need)...I need him to stand up for me...stand up for his family and say, I'm going to fight until I die because my 2 girls deserve the best...they deserve to have the best man to protect, love & take care of them...that's what I need. Until then...my feelings will be mixed until I'm strong enough to make a firm decision.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who broke down "forgiving & forgetting" and I truly do appreciate him taking the time to do so. He explained to me that trying to forget something is harder than forgiving the person. Because the mind is not equipped to dump something that has caused hurt therefore forgetting something is almost impossible. It also has alot to do with the extent of hurt that was caused and the the reason behind it. So for example, if someone hurts me and it was something that I could get over....I will always remember what was done, but I could move on from the situation BUT, if something caused me extreme hurt and especially if it was done repeatedly, forgetting would be almost impossible. And even though I may have forgiven the person for what they've done, every once & a while, the mind will allow that particular incident(s) to resurface. So, the answer I've been looking for is...I can forgive...but the chances of me forgetting is almost impossible.

So, its all left up to me...to start the process of filtering out the bad stuff to bring back the good. I don't think I've allowed it to consume me in my everyday life, but I know there are times when I go off to this place(in my mind) and I start to think about some things I've experienced and I begin to get frustrated.

One of my best friends asked me was I angry and I know for a fact that I'm not angry. So as we started to sort out the particulars of this situation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just disappointed. Disappointed that things didn't work out the way I thought they should; that I'm left to start all over again because the person I trusted betrayed me; that I have to be on pause because I don't want to cause damage in someone else's life; that I have baggage; that I can't express myself because I feel like I'm talking in circles...

So I'm happy that I'm beginning to heal and find the answers to the many questions that I was having a hard time figuring out. Every day is a step closer to tranquility.

All Over the Place....????

Ok, so I'm talking to this guy and he begins to share a little about himself(age, occupation, background on past relationships, etc...) and once he's done, he ask me to do the same. I begin with my age, occupation, me being a mommy...and then the infamous question comes..."Why is such a beautiful lady who appears to have it all together on the market?" I thought I was ready to answer but found out that once I tried to explain, I became tongue tied-wow.

I begin to give him a a little background about my past relationship and how now I think I want to meet new people, yet, I'm not sure if I'm ready to date; or I'm not sure if I have time to start something with someone else; or, I'm not sure if I'm interested in sharing my world with someone new now that I have a daughter; and the fact that her Dad is still around, I don't know if the situation would be comfortable...I was all over the place. It was complete silence on the other end. I felt like I had just messed up on a real good job interview(lol). He begin to chuckle and he told me how he is ready for a relationship(not neccesarily with me beacuse we just met) and he realized that dating multiple women is not what he wants to do and he's on a quest to find his queen. He then asked me, "do you still love your ex" and "what are the chances of a man getting involved with me and my ex decides that he wants his family back, what would I do" and I was like...wow. I was tongue tied once again and I felt terrible. Those questions, I thought would be easy to answer, but once I was asked, I realized that I had a difficult time answering.

I told the young man that we would have to finish this conversation another time when I had my thoughts in tact. This is the first time I think someone has left me questioning myself(about this situation). I think I know what I want and what's going on, when I think I don't or either, with everything happening so fast, I haven't had a time to absorb it all.

I need to regroup.

Come What May....


When its good, its damn good, but when its bad...oh lawd, its the worst. Once again, I'm battling with myself, my feelings and trying to figure out what I want to do/what's best for me. I'm a work in progress, taking one day at a time is all I can do. So, I'm ready to move on...not neccessarily with someone else but I want to get as far away from this situation as possible. I know its going to take time so I have to go through the motions before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kinda see it, just a little, but I know I'm approaching it.

So we talked last night and all went well until he wouldn't 'man up' to his wrongdoings. That sucks. Just admit that what you did was wrong and be done with it. I don't need to hear your disclaimer as if you really warned me that in the long run, I would be hurt. Who does that? So I think we got somewhere...I think I'm clear on his motives and where he stands, but I don't think he says the same thing. He just doesn't get me. Went to bed with a load lifted and I began to pray that God would remedy this confusion.

On The Fence

Its time to move on...but I don't know how too. I realize that my feelings have changed and my heart has sent me signs that its ready and can handle what's to come, but I just don't know how to begin. There are so many things in the way of me moving on and I guess I haven't sorted out the best way to handle my exit. Do I abruptly shut it down or do I ease out slowly? I feel like all the signs that I need to get, I've received, so I'm left wondering...what do I do now.

I feel peaceful...at least I think I do. Well, for the most part, I think I'm finding peace. I haven't had it in a long time but finally, its starting to appear and I'm happy. I sleep good at night, my heart doesn't ache anymore, my nerves aren't on edge...I'm finding peace. I just want this to be over or at least I want to be able to let the past be just what it is and I'm ready for a new beginning.

But I feel bad(a little). I think should try, for the sake of my daughter to fight a little harder...but I don't think I have any fight left in me. I've become someone that I never thought I would...I'm not pleased. At one time I felt I was at my best, but its funny how someone else's actions can cause one to turn into a stranger. There were somedays I would look at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was that was looking back at me. Nowadays, I know who I am, I know what I want & I know what I deserve. I can't continue to live this life of wondering where my place is, where I stand and what's my worth. I know I'm a great woman, designed by God, a great mother, a great friend, hardworker, God-fearing, sensitive, ambitious, optimistic....I am worthy of the best. I've been settling for too long.

So I'm on the fence and I pray one day soon that I'll be able to get across. I have hope in my heart and I believe that God is working with me, allowing me to gradually take my time but showing me that there's light at the end of this dark road. So even though I'm on the fence, as long as I have peace, I don't mind straddling for a few.

Forgive...Forget...????

How do you forgive? That question has been sticking with me for some time. I know that to forgive is to give up resentment and/or grant relief but how do you move on after you've forgiven someone even though you can't forget what they've done? To forget something is to act as if it never happened; to lose rememberance or to be unable to recall something that happened. That is so confusing to me. In life, when things happen, you can't just act as if it never did or if you do act as if you don't rememeber, at sometime, you will recall what it was that was done to you to cause you to hurt.

So, I'm dealing with this right now...I honestly want to move on from the hurt that I've experienced but I can't seem to forget what happened. I know that I've forgiven but its still hard for me to forget...actaully, its very difficult for me to put the various things away as if it never happened. So I've prayed about it, I've talked to people who have experienced some of the things I have and they don't have an answer for me either.

Is this even possible?