Today My Baby Turns "2"

I still can't believe that my baby girl is 2 years old. Where did all the time go...it seems like I just had her. I am so excited about today and I can't wait to see her today and give her the biggest hug & kiss. This morning I just stared at her while she was asleep and just prayed...thanking God for her life, and how he has blessed her with good health and a great personality. She is such a joy to everyone who comes in contact with her and I pray that sweet spirit of hers continues as she grows to be a young lady, teenager and a grown woman.

I will be going to her school today to take cupcakes & juice for snack and then family & close friends will come over this evening for homemade(by yours truly) cake & ice cream. Her birthday party will be Saturday and we're expecting 25-30 kids-wow. Its funny because I always said if I ever had kids I would not make a big deal over birthday parties well...I take that back because her birthday would not be complete without a party.

I can't help but reflect back to 2 years ago. My pregnancy was so filled with uncertainty and complications and 25 weeks into the pregnancy, I gave birth to Nina at 1pd 6ozs. That was the scariest time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it...I was losing myself...but by the grace of God, many prayers and support from my family & friends...I made it through(and so did Nina). So today is not only her birthday but a celebration of faith and just how good God is to me. He has made this transition to motherhood something that I can speak highly of and enjoy. And although its not easy, I cherish every moment that I have with her because she's a gift from God.

My baby girl is @ and I'm looking forward to many more.

Where is The Love????

Ok...I'm not sure what's going on in the air but, this week, I know of 5 couples that have or are in the process of breaking up. I'm beginning to think that something is really going on. I've heard all the stories of cheating, financial problems, disrespect...people just being down right trifling. As for the women, they're just tired. Tired of not being appreciated and treated with the same care that they're treating the man. As for the men, they feeling like they're not appreciated and tired of the nagging, fussing, etc. I'm just listening...and at times offering my 2 cents(if they ask).

So this leads me to wonder...is being in a relationship even worth the headache. I know that I'm use to being in a relationship. I'm not a lady who likes to date all over the place...I don't like to spread myself thin...I'm all for a relationship(if its a healthy one). I don't mind working towards making something better if I think the end result is going to be worth it. But nowadays, people are just walking away and not looking back. What is that all about?

I hear all the complaints from men about their significant other. They don't cook, don't keep a clean house, bad credit, don't keep themselves up, not optimistic, not a team-player...and I'm like where they do that at??? All those things come with just being a woman and being in relationship. These men out here want to come home to a hot meal and a clean house, they want to be able to know that their woman is going to have their back in a crisis, that he can look at his woman and know that she's trying to be the best that she can at work, in church, with her family etc...most of my circle of friends have all these qualities BUT...we all have experienced the man violating and going outside of the relationship and in this day in time where AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and need I not mention just crazy azz broads...its better to bounce. My mom always told me that a good run is always better than a bad stand. But I also sympathize for my male friends who are tired of carrying the load or not being appreciated. I have a great circle of male friends who just keep hooking up with some bad chicks...something is wrong with this picture.

With the weather cooling down, one would think that everyone would be trying to find someone to bun up with for the colder months ahead of us, or just the sake of having someone to build with and share the good & bad things of this crazy world but, it doesn't seem like that's happening(at least not with the people I know). So with that said...where is the damn love???

Emotions...

I had planned to post something last week but I was an emotional wreck along with not having much time to do anything. My baby girl started daycare/pre-school last week. Tuesday was her first day and I was excited yet very nervous about the whole transition. I love the school...the staff seems very loving and I love the fact that she will be learning something daily. So...my Ganny takes her to a 2 hour orientation last Friday...the purpose was to drop her off, let her play and let her become familiar with the place she will spending a lot of time. She did well but my grandmother did not. She isn't ready to part with Nina(she's had her since she was six months)but she knows its time for her to interact with other kids daily. Tuesday, her dad & I took her and she didnt cry but she looked very sad...I left that building crying like someone crazy. I planned a variety of things to do so I wouldn't go back and get her. Her teacher said she did well.

The kicker was Tuesday when I dropped her off by myself....she cried, I mean...my baby girl cried so hard. I didn't want to leave her but I had too. Needless to say, I cried from the daycare all the way to DC. I know people on the highway were starring at me like, WTF, but I don't care. My grandmother picked her up that evening and they said she did ok except for naptime. So Wednesday, I took her to school early and she performed...I could hear her crying on my way to the lobby...my heart dropped and I cried again all the way to DC. The people in my office were looking at me all crazy. I mean my eyes were puffy...I wanted to just hire a nanny so she wouldn't have to go to school. All my friends with kids told me that its just a process. I hate to see her upset and I didn't want her to have to go through this but...I know its just a moment.

She ended up finishing out the week on Thursday because she got sick. She started running a fever and we kept her home on Friday. Yesterday, we took her to school and she cried again but not as hard as last week. Her teacher said she did very well and I was so happy to see her playing and interacting when we picked her up yesterday. Her Daddy took her today and he said she cried but not as hard as yesterday so...I got my fingers crossed.

I love being a mommy but its the hardest thing I've had to do. Always having someone to worry about is what breaks me down. But I love my baby girl and I will do anything to make her life better. School is where she needs to be...I want her to excel in everything and I want to provide the best for her. One of my main reasons for living and working as hard as I do is to ensure that I can provide whatever she needs and want. My mother didn't have it so good raising us by herself so I want to be sure Nina never has to go without.

This week I'm doing better. Much prayer, the support from my family & friends always makes things better.

Good Music...Good Feelings

This morning, I pulled out my Ipod and realized that all the music on it is from at least one year ago. I haven't had a chance to download any new music on it plus, I'm just wiping the dust off of it after being in one of my drawers in my home office. I've just had the urge to listen to some music. I normally sleep during my commute but music always puts me in a great mood. When I looked at the menu of albums on my Ipod this morning, there was all of Floetrys music, Jill Scott, Bobby Valentino, Carl Thomas, Jagged Edge...I could go on, but this is what I categorize as good music. None of that mess about screwing my back out, orgies, drug dealing...all the crazy mess that's being played on the radio right now.

I was in a zone this morning while listening to my girl Jilly from Philly. That chick has a way with words that will have you trying to hold back from making a phone call(lol) or even just being in your mental about some things. Each one of her cds creates a different set of emotions in me. When she first came out, I remember being in a crazy situation with this dude...that cd helped me get rid of him real fast(lol)-thanks Jill. The ones that followed was when I was experiencing some real high moments in my life...too much to discuss but her music does it for me. Floetry's music just makes me speechless..I mean, seriously. Me and my girl Ria followed these chicks almost everywhere they were...we were(and still are) some real fans. I hate the fact that they aren't together anymore...they were and still are one of my favorite.

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

This has been an interesting week...I mean, I'm looking back at a week ago and I would have never thought I would be at such a peaceful place. Prayer definitely changes things and having a spiritual advisor is always good...she has helped me put a lot of things in perspective. Sometimes just having someone who does not have a clue about your situation just sit back and listen to you is refreshing. It has helped me see the big picture in a lot of things that has gone on in my life...not just the present but my past as well. So here I am, in a good place right now. I feel like I can actually smile again, I mean really see the good in all that has transpired. Like a co-worker of mine said, "there are people who are going through and people who are coming out of situations" its just the cycle of life. I'm so happy to say that I'm coming out...going through doesn't work for me(lol).

So him & I sat down and had this very long talk...I mean in depth, cards on the table, feelings on the sleeve, emotions right in front of us...yeah, one of those. It allowed me to not only see what I feel has gone wrong, I actually gave him the floor to express how he felt and I actually listened. I can admit to my wrong doing...its not easy but I have and I know what I've done, I'm not perfect. We both have the same "big picture" and we are going to try our best to make sure we don't destroy what we both have never had in our lives. Our baby girls' well being is very important to the both of us...and our personal issues amongst each other has to be put on the back burner...we love her too much to destroy the opportunity for her to have the best life ever...that simple-wow.

We went to the zoo on Sunday, had lunch at Carmines, went to visit his family and hung at the park so she could play with her cousins. Very nice and simple family outing...very refreshing. I made sure I told him how much I enjoyed our time(working on focusing on the positive and not so much on the negative) and the smile that came on his face was priceless. I mean seriously...he's been so used to me cursing him out, he probably was just happy to hear me say some kind words to him-lol. But I'm putting that behind me and I'm moving on to gaining my peace and tranquility back. It is much needed and I'm embracing it.

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

Helping Myself + Helping Others...

Today is Friday and I'm so glad...a long weekend awaits me and not to mention I won't be back to work until next Thursday. Yep, I'm going to take some time off. I've been promising my grandmother that I would take her to the beach so she can see the sun rise & set and that's what I'm going to do. I booked a beachfront condo in Ocean City(I prefer Rehobeth but I couldn't find a room)for 3 days and I'm taking her, mommy, my Aunt Necce and Nina and my nephew Caden. We're going to leave on Sunday and enjoy some time away for 3 days. I'm looking forward to getting up early in the morning and taking a long walk on the boardwalk and playing with Nina in the sand. I plan to bring my writing material, a good book and some music...that's all I need. The trip put a small dent in my pocketbook but I know that my grandmother will never forget it and my mother and my aunt will be forever grateful that they were able to get away.

My mom has been laid off for over a year and the only income she has right now is the money that she gets for keeping Nina & my nephew Caden, but she's ok with it. She's been wanting to go somewhere but her fixed income hasn't allowed her to do so. My aunt has been dealing with a number of hardships in her life so I felt it would do her some good to get away as well. And my grandmother, very seldom gets the chance to do anything. So...4 generations, all getting away for the first time. I'm looking forward to the conversations and the laughs but most of all, the smiles on all their faces.

This trip is going to do me some good as well. I need to clear my head and getting away always does the trick. I know I'm going to be fine...actually, I feel fine already. Everything is a process and I know that it takes time.

Anger...Resentment...Forgiveness

I'm dealing with so much right now...but in the midst of this storm, God is still good. I know that getting rid of this anger is long overdue but, I thought I did. So now I'm here, walking around with this load of anger that has made me say & do a lot of things that I wish I could take back but...I can't. Most of it I meant to say...but a lot of it I didn't. I was told that you should never let a person or situation get the best of you where you end up acting out of character...well...I've been out of character for some time and I'm making this promise to myself that I'm going to do something about it. I am on a journey to releasing & forgiving...this is much needed and I'm ready.

First thing I plan to do is continue to pray...it always helps.
Second, I plan to journal...write out all the things that I'm hurt about, why and resolutions.
Third, I plan to seek out someone who is bias and can listen and help me put all of my feelings in perspective. I have plenty of close friends who will listen but because they care so much about me, I know it would be hard for them to put their feelings aside.
Fourth, I plan to make some changes in my life.
Fifth, I will work on forgiving so I won't continue being weighed down.
LAstly, I will start fresh to ensure that I NEVER allow myself to experience this type of hurt ever again.

This is so important because I love my life, I'm a happy person, very seldom do I allow things to get me down and most of all, I have another person to care for. If I'm not all together, how can I be the best mommy to Nina. I want her to experience her mommy at her best.

Today I start my journey...wish me luck!!

First things first...its hot as hell...I mean really, really hot, especially since my AC is not working properly. I've noticed that the past few days, I've had to put my AC as low as 65 degrees in order for the house to get cool. I know my electric bill is going to be outrageous next month. I have an appt for BGE Home to come out on Wednesday so hopefully they will be able to find out what is really going on.

Rewind.......last weekend was great. Didn't do too much but I did get a chance to get some things done around the house-finally. Father's Day was nice. Nina and I was able to surprise Will with a watch that he's been really wanting for at least 3 years. Its one of those watches that I had to really do a lot of searching for. And not to mention that it was quite costly but...he's a great dad and he deserves it but damn...I was looking at the price like umpf...ok, he doesn't cut costs with us so...along with the watch was a Ralph Lauren shirt that he's been wanting and dinner. Oh, and Daddy/daughter pictures(and one with mommy in it for the family). They came out really nice. He's been wanting pics with Nina for some time so I found the perfect polo dress and shoes for Nina to match his shirt and the pictures came out really nice.

Last weekend was cool. I did what I'm beginning to love so much and that is...chill. It was too hot to do anything and I didn't want to get out and spend money on things that I really don't need so I stayed in the house plus, I had the worse sinus headache for 2 days. I missed my lil sis perform with her group Kirby Lane but I could not get myself together to get dressed and go out so, I slept. I even missed church on Sunday. It was just one of those weekends where I needed to just stay put.

Nina...is...I don't like to use the word bad but, she's becoming to be quite a handful. I thought her Daddy was going to tap her yesterday but I doubt if he ever will. But she is so stubborn(just like him) and when she wants something, she is going to try her best no matter what. On top of her being a lil spoiled...okay, a lot spoiled, its about that time to break her especially with her starting school soon. But I love her so much and I can't imagine ever having to spank her but she's building a case(lol). I took her to work with me on Friday for Family Day. She wore herself out and slept the whole way home. It was good to finally bring her to work so everyone could meet her since they always hear me talk about her and see all her pictures all over my desk.

As for me....I'm feeling great. No complaints, feeling real good about my life. Work is going well(very busy), finances are in order, spiritual life is growing stronger...need I say more(:

Woke up this morning from the craziest dream ever. I can't even explain it but it was pure craziness. Was on time until I gave myself one more look over and realized that my dress was a lil too short for work. Ive seen others in my building with very short skirts/dresses, but I am very conscious about how I represent myself so...it was back upstairs to find something else cool to put on because today is going to be hot. I am so glad that today is Friday. I don't have any concrete plans for the weekend but I need to get some things done around the house and unpack me and Nina's suitcase from last weekend. Speaking of last weekend...

I had so much fun at the beach and so did Nina. The ride to Rehobeth was not a bad ride(2 1/2 hrs)and I love the country roads. We stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and it was off to the beach. I am in love with Rehobeth. Very nice, quaint little shops, very good food and just overall nice. Way better then Ocean City...not really a fan of all the teenagers at OC. Nina loved the sand. She loved it so much that she decided to eat it and put it in her hair. She played in the sand for hours and I loved watching her and snapping pictures. She did ok in the pool too. I think the water was too cold for her and she just couldn't get use to it. But overall, she loved it. Will and I had a chance to do some shopping at the outlets and do a lot of walking. I ate so much junk over the weekend that I knew I had to cleanse once I got home.

I need a few days to just clean my house. I mean, really get down and dust, scrub, mop..all that good stuff. I haven't had a chance to keep my house as clean as I would like with Nina. It is really hard finding time to do things when you are a mommy but I'll get to it when I can...probably when she's 15(lol).

The weekend is going to be scorching so I don't plan on being out too much. I may take Nina to the pool and Sunday is Father's Day so we will probably take Will out to dinner and really...that's it. I don't feel like doing anything.

I miss my Sistahgirlz...we havent all been together since March so we're planning to get together soon for some food and dialogue. I love them girlz...I'm so blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends.

Ok, I got up this morning and I slept the whole way into work. I don't even recall if I fell asleep before the bus pulled out of the Park & Ride so that confirms....I was really tired. I didn't go to bed until after 11pm last night because I was up braiding Nina's hair while she was asleep so I wouldn't have to worry about it tonight. Plus I was trying to think of what to take on this trip to Rehobeth this weekend. Speaking of trip...her dad has really rubbed me the wrong way and now I don't want him to go away with us. It amazes me how a convo can go from calm to chaotic. One thing I've changed is arguing with him. I realized that arguing never gets us anywhere so I've changed the way I handle him-but it doesn't seem to work all the time.

It started with him coming down last night and Nina not responding to him. She was very sleepy and all she wanted was a bottle and her mommy. I wasn't sure whether it upset him or not but from the conversation this morning, I think it bothered him. It boggles me that he doesn't hear me at times or if he does, he doesn't trust that what I have to say is genuine. Needless to say...our early morning convo did not go well and I end up telling him that he might need to consider staying in the area if he's going to have an attitude. My goal for this weekend is to get away, enjoy a nice change of scenery, play with Nina in the sand and at the pool and get some much needed chill time. I don't know how that's going to work out with him being there if there's animosity. So...we'll see how this plays out. I have my sister, one of my besties and even my mom on standby to go with us. If it wasn't for the drive being 3 hours, I wouldn't be concerned about anyone else but...3 hours is too long for Nina & I to be on the road by ourselves.

I plan to go home tonight and finish packing and get my house cleaned. My aunt is planning to come and stay at my house because she's been going through a lot and just needs a change of scenery as well. I was more than happy to offer my house so I want to go and home and make sure its all clean for her. It seems like everyone is going through one thing or another. I guess that's the way life is...everyday can't be a good one but its our job to make the best of it.

TGIF...I'm so happy that the weekend is here and that I have a long one. Looking forward to my weekend away. I'm going to bring my laptop because once Nina is asleep, I plan to sit on my balcony and watch the sunset. I may even get a chance to work on some writing. Whatever I plan to do, I just can't wait to get to the beach...I really need this getaway.

"A thoroughly sinful man cannot get along with a perfectly holy God without one of them having a radical change of character, and we know God isn't going to be the one to change. He can't. It must be us."

This quote really sat in my spirit today(in a good way) and it just made my heart happy when I read it. My co-worker and I went to a book fair and purchased, The One Year Walk With God Devotional by Chris Tiegreen. It is 365 daily Bible readings to transform your mind and it is really a nice way to get the day started. The quote stuck out because me and one of my sistahgirlz were talking about how transforming your life and the way you think and making God a priority is the only way to a wonderful life. So this quote was confirmation.

All is well with me...I'm feeling great, looking great and just enjoying life. As always, my baby girl is my inspiration and my reason for working harder and becoming a better person. She's growing up so well and I'm trying to hold on to every special moment with her because before I know it, she will be a lil lady with her own agenda. She's starting to talk more and just getting more inquisitive each day. It just amazes me how such a little person can bring about such a big change in a persons life. She did very well on her first plane ride to Florida and now she will be having her first beach experience next week when her Dad & I take her for 2 days. I already purchased 2 bathing suits with matching coverups and her shades...she has to stay fly all the time(lol). Next month will probably be a trip to Sesame Place and the zoo is also on the list of things to do. I thnk her Dad is more excited than I am. We went out and bought her a portable DVD for the car and she loves it so she's all prepared for any road trips.

I just started working back out again. My mother's day gift(an elliptical) finally arrived and last night I broke it in. I was done after 15min...my body went into shock. Its been 2 years since I've really worked out and although my body is still ok, I want it back to how it was 2 years ago. Its not about what I look like, but what I feel like is very important and today I'm actually feeling good. Working out has always made me feel great, sleep better and I'm not going to mention what it does for my drive(lol).

Work is going great. My co-workers are the best and my UC is a great manager. Its always good to work with a team who compliment one another and that's what we do. I'm up for a promotion soon and boy do I need it. With Nina going to daycare in September and the fact that I will be looking to purchase a new home in the next 2 years, I need all my money. I love my house but with Nina, more space is needed and a bigger backyard is a must.

Other than that, no complaints...life is great.

So far this has been a good week. I took off on Monday because I had an OBGYN appt which was canceled for the 2nd time. Since I knew I would be off, I scheduled 2 more daycare interviews and I think I've found a daycare for baby girl. Even though she won't be going until September/October, I have found a few that I like but her Dad & I like one in particular. I will be calling them back this week to give them the ok. I feel nervous yet excited about Nina going to daycare. I still can't believe that my baby will be 2 in less than 6 mths. It still seems like I just had her.

The weekend was very busy but I got alot accomplished. My carpet was installed Saturday morning. They were there by 9 and finished by noon. My girl Nellie came up and helped me get my house back together. Will & I did some running around to prepare for the cookout on Sunday which Nina was going to meet her grandad and the rest of her aunts & uncles on her daddy's side. It was interesting but overall, turned out to be a nice day.

Work is very busy especially now that Ms. T has retired. My workload is already heavy but it has gotten really heavy now. But I'm not complaining...I luv my job/what I do. Plus, I'm up for a promotion-I need it. With daycare expenses getting ready to start, I'm going to need some more money and Nina is becoming more expensive daily.

I'm excited about going to Florida next weekend. This will be Nina's first plane ride. I'm looking forward to that chill time and the tropical weather. I'm praying that she does well on the plane because I dont want her to be making folks mad.

The weather is beautiful(even though its hot)and I'm loving the fact that I can take Nina for walks in the evening. Last night, we walked to Target(approx. a mile)and she slept the whole way back and didnt wake up until this morning-wow.

The Perfect Weekend

This weekend was perfect. I made a promise to myself that I was going to get some thigns done around the house, and I did. I didn't get a chance to complete everything, but I did get rid of a lot of clutter. I had planned to start Friday night, but as soon as I laid down with baby girl to put her to sleep, I was right along with her. When I woke up, it was 12:30am. I guess my body was telling me that it needed rest.

Woke up Saturday morning and ran a few errands when I realized that the pollen was too much for Nina. Her eyes were puffy, she kept sneezing and her cheeks started turning red. I quickly went back to the house and that's where we stayed for the rest of the weekend-we even missed church. I began washing clothes, cleaning out her closet getting rid of winter and too small clothes, and getting the house prepared for the paint & carpet job this week coming. On Sunday, I slept in and as much as I wanted to go to church, I decided to stay home and chill. I organized my cds(I didn't realize I had so many) and again, continuing to get the house prepared for it to be painted and carpeted.

I'm looking forward to some of the home improvement changes I have planned. I haven't been able to do anything in the house for a minute, so I'm looking forward to my mini-project.

Rambling....That's What I Do

Today I'm feeling GREAT!! Actually, I've been feeling this way for quite some time-thank God. I've put a lot of things in perspective and realized that each day that I live, is going to be a good day. Bad things may occur throughout my day but I won't allow anything to consume me. With that said, life is good and I'm walking around feeling real light. My burdens have been lifted, my head is semi-clear and my heart is no longer heavy. I prayed about it, God answered and now I'm good.

Last weekend was my girl Ria & Byrons wedding...it was beautiful. The both of them looked so happy and it showed through the smiles on their faces. I've been rolling with these 2 since the day they met...been routing for them and I'm finally at ease just knowing that they're husband & wife. I'm watching them...keeping my eye on them to set the example for us young folks who may have put love on hold for a minute. I now feel like everyone is looking at me sideways like I need to be the next one to get married. I've never been a follower...so I'm in no hurry to get married because most of my girlz have jumped the broom. I can wait for a ring, I want my love life to be right. I guess that comes with me being such a planner and/or always wanting things to be done right. I can wait for that type of commitment, especially if it means that its going to be with the person who God has for me.

I'm starting to feel myself again. I've always been in love with myself(some say too much) but I can say that I haven't felt that feeling that I've always felt about myself. Like that 'poppin my collar' type of feeling(lol). The last couple of months I've been staring at myself more, feeling my swag(haha)and just getting that strut(that's what Will calls it) back. Ive purchased a few pair of F'em girl shoes...4-inch platforms and they are so hot. I feel so extra sexy in them and I love the way my legs look when I have them on. Get em' girl(lol).

He's been extra expressive lately. Why does this happen...as soon as I think I got it all figured out, here he comes...why? I know he loves me but why wait until I'm at ease to now want to talk, express and all that break up to make up stuff. I understand that you love us and you want your family...got that...I also realize that you know that once I leave that you are going to be left to really think about all that has transpired in the last 4 years all by yourself. I never intended for him to be alone...I still don't, but right now, its not about him at all...its about me and baby girl and our happiness and well being. I'm not working anymore but I will meet him part of the way if I believe he's ready to fight, other than that...business as usual.

I realized that I don't have alot of time to myself anymore. Baby girl takes up all my extra time. I'm not complaining but its a task just to get a pedicure now adays. I hate leaving her...I feel like she's being cheated already during the week when I only have about 3 hours to spend with her before I put her to bed. All my time is devoted to her and Im ok with it. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 years. Its a good thing that I eat healthy and I already have a nice shape cause I would be mad. I'm incorporating some extra walking in my daily routine because its about to get hot and I need to get back in my 2 piece.

Ok...enough rambling...life is good and I can't wait to get off to get home to baby girl. That's the highlight of my life!

Life Is Good

I'm feeling great..I mean really, feeling refreshed. For the last few weeks, I've been able to get rid of some of the negative things that were holding me up and taking up way too much of my mind space. I've been talking to God alot and I asked for this peace & tranquility and like always, he came through. I'm not saying that things don't still get under my skin or every now and then I don't want to shake the mess out of someone but I can truly say that I feel great.

So many wonderful things are taking place. This Friday, one of my girlz is getting married. Maria & Byron are tying the knot and I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to experiencing them exchange their vows and promise everlasting love to one another. I feel really good about the 2 of them. Alot of times, I attend weddings and I get this strange feeling like...I'm not sure if they should be doing this but, I know that Ria & Byron are ready. The both of them have gone through so much but they both want & live for the same things and I know that they're going to be the example for black love.

My baby girl is doing great. Every day she impresses me and wears me out at the same time. She's walking and into everything. I sometimes look at her and just can't believe that she is mine. I stare at her eyes and I feel her hair and I'm just in awe. I know she realizes how much I love her and she will never have to question whether her mommy has her back, because I will/do.

Her Dad & I are doing ok. I think he recognizes that things have changed. I'm not sure if he's comfortable with it but I think he's happy to know that all the fighting & bickering is behind us(I think). He knows that I love him very much and I want the best for him and whatever makes him happy, I want him to go for it. What I don't want is to feel like I'm not appreciated. My life has changed drastically once Nina came and he needs to realize that I've given up so much to be the best mommy I can for her and he needs to do the same to be the best Daddy. Nothing in this world should be more important than Nina(and me foreal-lol). So, some days are very good and others are just OK, but I made a vow to never have another horrible day with him. Its not worth it. I refuse to argue about a situation that doesn't have a positive solution. Going around in circles about issues that aren't going to change or people/things that he allows to hold us up...not happening no more. Again, I think he recognizes the change.

Overall, life is good. My relationship with God is growing stronger daily. I love the calm that has come into my life. I'm happy with my semi-boring life now. Work, Nina, sleep and extra curricular activities when I can fit them in. My sistahgirlz always have my back and always available when its time to have girl time. I don't know where I would be without all of them. They are the greatest aunts...Nina is so blessed and so am I. No complaints here, just a lot of smiling(:

Mixed Emotions

For the last few days my emotions have been up, down, left, right....all mixed up. I wonder sometimes if being confused is good? It kinda gives you a chance to appreciate & evaluate the good & bad. So, I'm just remaining still because I try not to make decisions based on my emotions, but what's best for me and what feels good. So right now, going with the flow is working for me.

I sometimes wish I could get in that head of his and maybe I could be able to understand why he does what he do. He realizes that things have changed but his actions are acting as if things have not. I know he loves me and being a family is what he wants but I also realize that he's not mature enough to realize that having your family requires constant work. Not just this week or next week...its an everyday job. Things aren't going to always be fun(as he puts it) or a bed of roses. We passed that stage sometime ago and once babygirl came, we don't have alot of time to "have fun" just the 2 of us anymore, but now we have a responsibility that will be with us forever.

I love being a mommy...the responsibility of it all hasn't overwhelmed me but it has definately changed me. I hear from woman all the time that once they have a baby, things change...especially your relationship. I would say that it has made the relationship stronger but at the same time, it has brought out alot of issues that we've had to confront. I want my family and I'm willing to fight for it but I need him to step up as well. Money, Gucci bags, jewelry...all those wonderful tangible things that he loves to shower me with is not what I want (or need)...I need him to stand up for me...stand up for his family and say, I'm going to fight until I die because my 2 girls deserve the best...they deserve to have the best man to protect, love & take care of them...that's what I need. Until then...my feelings will be mixed until I'm strong enough to make a firm decision.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who broke down "forgiving & forgetting" and I truly do appreciate him taking the time to do so. He explained to me that trying to forget something is harder than forgiving the person. Because the mind is not equipped to dump something that has caused hurt therefore forgetting something is almost impossible. It also has alot to do with the extent of hurt that was caused and the the reason behind it. So for example, if someone hurts me and it was something that I could get over....I will always remember what was done, but I could move on from the situation BUT, if something caused me extreme hurt and especially if it was done repeatedly, forgetting would be almost impossible. And even though I may have forgiven the person for what they've done, every once & a while, the mind will allow that particular incident(s) to resurface. So, the answer I've been looking for is...I can forgive...but the chances of me forgetting is almost impossible.

So, its all left up to me...to start the process of filtering out the bad stuff to bring back the good. I don't think I've allowed it to consume me in my everyday life, but I know there are times when I go off to this place(in my mind) and I start to think about some things I've experienced and I begin to get frustrated.

One of my best friends asked me was I angry and I know for a fact that I'm not angry. So as we started to sort out the particulars of this situation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just disappointed. Disappointed that things didn't work out the way I thought they should; that I'm left to start all over again because the person I trusted betrayed me; that I have to be on pause because I don't want to cause damage in someone else's life; that I have baggage; that I can't express myself because I feel like I'm talking in circles...

So I'm happy that I'm beginning to heal and find the answers to the many questions that I was having a hard time figuring out. Every day is a step closer to tranquility.

All Over the Place....????

Ok, so I'm talking to this guy and he begins to share a little about himself(age, occupation, background on past relationships, etc...) and once he's done, he ask me to do the same. I begin with my age, occupation, me being a mommy...and then the infamous question comes..."Why is such a beautiful lady who appears to have it all together on the market?" I thought I was ready to answer but found out that once I tried to explain, I became tongue tied-wow.

I begin to give him a a little background about my past relationship and how now I think I want to meet new people, yet, I'm not sure if I'm ready to date; or I'm not sure if I have time to start something with someone else; or, I'm not sure if I'm interested in sharing my world with someone new now that I have a daughter; and the fact that her Dad is still around, I don't know if the situation would be comfortable...I was all over the place. It was complete silence on the other end. I felt like I had just messed up on a real good job interview(lol). He begin to chuckle and he told me how he is ready for a relationship(not neccesarily with me beacuse we just met) and he realized that dating multiple women is not what he wants to do and he's on a quest to find his queen. He then asked me, "do you still love your ex" and "what are the chances of a man getting involved with me and my ex decides that he wants his family back, what would I do" and I was like...wow. I was tongue tied once again and I felt terrible. Those questions, I thought would be easy to answer, but once I was asked, I realized that I had a difficult time answering.

I told the young man that we would have to finish this conversation another time when I had my thoughts in tact. This is the first time I think someone has left me questioning myself(about this situation). I think I know what I want and what's going on, when I think I don't or either, with everything happening so fast, I haven't had a time to absorb it all.

I need to regroup.

Come What May....


When its good, its damn good, but when its bad...oh lawd, its the worst. Once again, I'm battling with myself, my feelings and trying to figure out what I want to do/what's best for me. I'm a work in progress, taking one day at a time is all I can do. So, I'm ready to move on...not neccessarily with someone else but I want to get as far away from this situation as possible. I know its going to take time so I have to go through the motions before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kinda see it, just a little, but I know I'm approaching it.

So we talked last night and all went well until he wouldn't 'man up' to his wrongdoings. That sucks. Just admit that what you did was wrong and be done with it. I don't need to hear your disclaimer as if you really warned me that in the long run, I would be hurt. Who does that? So I think we got somewhere...I think I'm clear on his motives and where he stands, but I don't think he says the same thing. He just doesn't get me. Went to bed with a load lifted and I began to pray that God would remedy this confusion.

On The Fence

Its time to move on...but I don't know how too. I realize that my feelings have changed and my heart has sent me signs that its ready and can handle what's to come, but I just don't know how to begin. There are so many things in the way of me moving on and I guess I haven't sorted out the best way to handle my exit. Do I abruptly shut it down or do I ease out slowly? I feel like all the signs that I need to get, I've received, so I'm left wondering...what do I do now.

I feel peaceful...at least I think I do. Well, for the most part, I think I'm finding peace. I haven't had it in a long time but finally, its starting to appear and I'm happy. I sleep good at night, my heart doesn't ache anymore, my nerves aren't on edge...I'm finding peace. I just want this to be over or at least I want to be able to let the past be just what it is and I'm ready for a new beginning.

But I feel bad(a little). I think should try, for the sake of my daughter to fight a little harder...but I don't think I have any fight left in me. I've become someone that I never thought I would...I'm not pleased. At one time I felt I was at my best, but its funny how someone else's actions can cause one to turn into a stranger. There were somedays I would look at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who that person was that was looking back at me. Nowadays, I know who I am, I know what I want & I know what I deserve. I can't continue to live this life of wondering where my place is, where I stand and what's my worth. I know I'm a great woman, designed by God, a great mother, a great friend, hardworker, God-fearing, sensitive, ambitious, optimistic....I am worthy of the best. I've been settling for too long.

So I'm on the fence and I pray one day soon that I'll be able to get across. I have hope in my heart and I believe that God is working with me, allowing me to gradually take my time but showing me that there's light at the end of this dark road. So even though I'm on the fence, as long as I have peace, I don't mind straddling for a few.

Forgive...Forget...????

How do you forgive? That question has been sticking with me for some time. I know that to forgive is to give up resentment and/or grant relief but how do you move on after you've forgiven someone even though you can't forget what they've done? To forget something is to act as if it never happened; to lose rememberance or to be unable to recall something that happened. That is so confusing to me. In life, when things happen, you can't just act as if it never did or if you do act as if you don't rememeber, at sometime, you will recall what it was that was done to you to cause you to hurt.

So, I'm dealing with this right now...I honestly want to move on from the hurt that I've experienced but I can't seem to forget what happened. I know that I've forgiven but its still hard for me to forget...actaully, its very difficult for me to put the various things away as if it never happened. So I've prayed about it, I've talked to people who have experienced some of the things I have and they don't have an answer for me either.

Is this even possible?

Its been a Loooong Time

I have been so busy that I haven't found time to blog. Writing is one of my favorite things to do so I really don't want to fall off. But being a mommy has me so busy. Its hard to find time to just sit still and write, but all that is going to change. My goal is to start putting aside some time for me. Nina is just 15mys old and I know that the older she gets, the busier I'm going to get. So, I'm about to start takinig some time to do some of the things I love and need to do. I have people who are willing to watch Nina for me so I'm going to start opening my mouth and asking for an hour or 2 to do some things that I need to do.

The new year is here, 2010. I'm not a person who makes resolutions but I do like to look at the new year as a mark to start something new and/or make some necessary changes. 2009 was a rollercoaster year for me. I was a new mom and Nina came home. I was able to be off with her until May and returned to work. My job had completely changed because while I was off, there was a reorg. But it all worked out and I still love my job and love what I'm doing(even though its so much more work). Nina had her first birthday party which was a blast and she also had her first 'official' Christmas(the year before she was in the hospital). The New Year was nice & quiet. Me, Nina & Will chilled at the house. My girl Nellie came up and we had some light food & some wine. I was sleep by 12:15.

Thus far, this year has brought on some serious challenges for me. I've been working on a few things within me to become a better person and at the same time, not allow people to take advantage of me. Its hard sticking to your word sometimes, but with life, everything can't be always what I want but what I need.

Nina is growing up...I kinda want her to stay a baby but at the same time, I'm looking forward to her becoming a little lady. She is the best baby...nothing matters to me as much now that I have her. Issues, drama, things that get on my nerves don't matter as much anymore...I have something bigger & better to worry about. My goal is to start blogging again...I need too, its very therapeutic.