Today My Baby Turns "2"

I still can't believe that my baby girl is 2 years old. Where did all the time go...it seems like I just had her. I am so excited about today and I can't wait to see her today and give her the biggest hug & kiss. This morning I just stared at her while she was asleep and just prayed...thanking God for her life, and how he has blessed her with good health and a great personality. She is such a joy to everyone who comes in contact with her and I pray that sweet spirit of hers continues as she grows to be a young lady, teenager and a grown woman.

I will be going to her school today to take cupcakes & juice for snack and then family & close friends will come over this evening for homemade(by yours truly) cake & ice cream. Her birthday party will be Saturday and we're expecting 25-30 kids-wow. Its funny because I always said if I ever had kids I would not make a big deal over birthday parties well...I take that back because her birthday would not be complete without a party.

I can't help but reflect back to 2 years ago. My pregnancy was so filled with uncertainty and complications and 25 weeks into the pregnancy, I gave birth to Nina at 1pd 6ozs. That was the scariest time in my life. I didn't think I was going to make it...I was losing myself...but by the grace of God, many prayers and support from my family & friends...I made it through(and so did Nina). So today is not only her birthday but a celebration of faith and just how good God is to me. He has made this transition to motherhood something that I can speak highly of and enjoy. And although its not easy, I cherish every moment that I have with her because she's a gift from God.

My baby girl is @ and I'm looking forward to many more.

Where is The Love????

Ok...I'm not sure what's going on in the air but, this week, I know of 5 couples that have or are in the process of breaking up. I'm beginning to think that something is really going on. I've heard all the stories of cheating, financial problems, disrespect...people just being down right trifling. As for the women, they're just tired. Tired of not being appreciated and treated with the same care that they're treating the man. As for the men, they feeling like they're not appreciated and tired of the nagging, fussing, etc. I'm just listening...and at times offering my 2 cents(if they ask).

So this leads me to wonder...is being in a relationship even worth the headache. I know that I'm use to being in a relationship. I'm not a lady who likes to date all over the place...I don't like to spread myself thin...I'm all for a relationship(if its a healthy one). I don't mind working towards making something better if I think the end result is going to be worth it. But nowadays, people are just walking away and not looking back. What is that all about?

I hear all the complaints from men about their significant other. They don't cook, don't keep a clean house, bad credit, don't keep themselves up, not optimistic, not a team-player...and I'm like where they do that at??? All those things come with just being a woman and being in relationship. These men out here want to come home to a hot meal and a clean house, they want to be able to know that their woman is going to have their back in a crisis, that he can look at his woman and know that she's trying to be the best that she can at work, in church, with her family etc...most of my circle of friends have all these qualities BUT...we all have experienced the man violating and going outside of the relationship and in this day in time where AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and need I not mention just crazy azz broads...its better to bounce. My mom always told me that a good run is always better than a bad stand. But I also sympathize for my male friends who are tired of carrying the load or not being appreciated. I have a great circle of male friends who just keep hooking up with some bad chicks...something is wrong with this picture.

With the weather cooling down, one would think that everyone would be trying to find someone to bun up with for the colder months ahead of us, or just the sake of having someone to build with and share the good & bad things of this crazy world but, it doesn't seem like that's happening(at least not with the people I know). So with that said...where is the damn love???

Emotions...

I had planned to post something last week but I was an emotional wreck along with not having much time to do anything. My baby girl started daycare/pre-school last week. Tuesday was her first day and I was excited yet very nervous about the whole transition. I love the school...the staff seems very loving and I love the fact that she will be learning something daily. So...my Ganny takes her to a 2 hour orientation last Friday...the purpose was to drop her off, let her play and let her become familiar with the place she will spending a lot of time. She did well but my grandmother did not. She isn't ready to part with Nina(she's had her since she was six months)but she knows its time for her to interact with other kids daily. Tuesday, her dad & I took her and she didnt cry but she looked very sad...I left that building crying like someone crazy. I planned a variety of things to do so I wouldn't go back and get her. Her teacher said she did well.

The kicker was Tuesday when I dropped her off by myself....she cried, I mean...my baby girl cried so hard. I didn't want to leave her but I had too. Needless to say, I cried from the daycare all the way to DC. I know people on the highway were starring at me like, WTF, but I don't care. My grandmother picked her up that evening and they said she did ok except for naptime. So Wednesday, I took her to school early and she performed...I could hear her crying on my way to the lobby...my heart dropped and I cried again all the way to DC. The people in my office were looking at me all crazy. I mean my eyes were puffy...I wanted to just hire a nanny so she wouldn't have to go to school. All my friends with kids told me that its just a process. I hate to see her upset and I didn't want her to have to go through this but...I know its just a moment.

She ended up finishing out the week on Thursday because she got sick. She started running a fever and we kept her home on Friday. Yesterday, we took her to school and she cried again but not as hard as last week. Her teacher said she did very well and I was so happy to see her playing and interacting when we picked her up yesterday. Her Daddy took her today and he said she cried but not as hard as yesterday so...I got my fingers crossed.

I love being a mommy but its the hardest thing I've had to do. Always having someone to worry about is what breaks me down. But I love my baby girl and I will do anything to make her life better. School is where she needs to be...I want her to excel in everything and I want to provide the best for her. One of my main reasons for living and working as hard as I do is to ensure that I can provide whatever she needs and want. My mother didn't have it so good raising us by herself so I want to be sure Nina never has to go without.

This week I'm doing better. Much prayer, the support from my family & friends always makes things better.

Good Music...Good Feelings

This morning, I pulled out my Ipod and realized that all the music on it is from at least one year ago. I haven't had a chance to download any new music on it plus, I'm just wiping the dust off of it after being in one of my drawers in my home office. I've just had the urge to listen to some music. I normally sleep during my commute but music always puts me in a great mood. When I looked at the menu of albums on my Ipod this morning, there was all of Floetrys music, Jill Scott, Bobby Valentino, Carl Thomas, Jagged Edge...I could go on, but this is what I categorize as good music. None of that mess about screwing my back out, orgies, drug dealing...all the crazy mess that's being played on the radio right now.

I was in a zone this morning while listening to my girl Jilly from Philly. That chick has a way with words that will have you trying to hold back from making a phone call(lol) or even just being in your mental about some things. Each one of her cds creates a different set of emotions in me. When she first came out, I remember being in a crazy situation with this dude...that cd helped me get rid of him real fast(lol)-thanks Jill. The ones that followed was when I was experiencing some real high moments in my life...too much to discuss but her music does it for me. Floetry's music just makes me speechless..I mean, seriously. Me and my girl Ria followed these chicks almost everywhere they were...we were(and still are) some real fans. I hate the fact that they aren't together anymore...they were and still are one of my favorite.

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

This has been an interesting week...I mean, I'm looking back at a week ago and I would have never thought I would be at such a peaceful place. Prayer definitely changes things and having a spiritual advisor is always good...she has helped me put a lot of things in perspective. Sometimes just having someone who does not have a clue about your situation just sit back and listen to you is refreshing. It has helped me see the big picture in a lot of things that has gone on in my life...not just the present but my past as well. So here I am, in a good place right now. I feel like I can actually smile again, I mean really see the good in all that has transpired. Like a co-worker of mine said, "there are people who are going through and people who are coming out of situations" its just the cycle of life. I'm so happy to say that I'm coming out...going through doesn't work for me(lol).

So him & I sat down and had this very long talk...I mean in depth, cards on the table, feelings on the sleeve, emotions right in front of us...yeah, one of those. It allowed me to not only see what I feel has gone wrong, I actually gave him the floor to express how he felt and I actually listened. I can admit to my wrong doing...its not easy but I have and I know what I've done, I'm not perfect. We both have the same "big picture" and we are going to try our best to make sure we don't destroy what we both have never had in our lives. Our baby girls' well being is very important to the both of us...and our personal issues amongst each other has to be put on the back burner...we love her too much to destroy the opportunity for her to have the best life ever...that simple-wow.

We went to the zoo on Sunday, had lunch at Carmines, went to visit his family and hung at the park so she could play with her cousins. Very nice and simple family outing...very refreshing. I made sure I told him how much I enjoyed our time(working on focusing on the positive and not so much on the negative) and the smile that came on his face was priceless. I mean seriously...he's been so used to me cursing him out, he probably was just happy to hear me say some kind words to him-lol. But I'm putting that behind me and I'm moving on to gaining my peace and tranquility back. It is much needed and I'm embracing it.

Patience, Forgiveness, Open Mind....

Helping Myself + Helping Others...

Today is Friday and I'm so glad...a long weekend awaits me and not to mention I won't be back to work until next Thursday. Yep, I'm going to take some time off. I've been promising my grandmother that I would take her to the beach so she can see the sun rise & set and that's what I'm going to do. I booked a beachfront condo in Ocean City(I prefer Rehobeth but I couldn't find a room)for 3 days and I'm taking her, mommy, my Aunt Necce and Nina and my nephew Caden. We're going to leave on Sunday and enjoy some time away for 3 days. I'm looking forward to getting up early in the morning and taking a long walk on the boardwalk and playing with Nina in the sand. I plan to bring my writing material, a good book and some music...that's all I need. The trip put a small dent in my pocketbook but I know that my grandmother will never forget it and my mother and my aunt will be forever grateful that they were able to get away.

My mom has been laid off for over a year and the only income she has right now is the money that she gets for keeping Nina & my nephew Caden, but she's ok with it. She's been wanting to go somewhere but her fixed income hasn't allowed her to do so. My aunt has been dealing with a number of hardships in her life so I felt it would do her some good to get away as well. And my grandmother, very seldom gets the chance to do anything. So...4 generations, all getting away for the first time. I'm looking forward to the conversations and the laughs but most of all, the smiles on all their faces.

This trip is going to do me some good as well. I need to clear my head and getting away always does the trick. I know I'm going to be fine...actually, I feel fine already. Everything is a process and I know that it takes time.

Anger...Resentment...Forgiveness

I'm dealing with so much right now...but in the midst of this storm, God is still good. I know that getting rid of this anger is long overdue but, I thought I did. So now I'm here, walking around with this load of anger that has made me say & do a lot of things that I wish I could take back but...I can't. Most of it I meant to say...but a lot of it I didn't. I was told that you should never let a person or situation get the best of you where you end up acting out of character...well...I've been out of character for some time and I'm making this promise to myself that I'm going to do something about it. I am on a journey to releasing & forgiving...this is much needed and I'm ready.

First thing I plan to do is continue to pray...it always helps.
Second, I plan to journal...write out all the things that I'm hurt about, why and resolutions.
Third, I plan to seek out someone who is bias and can listen and help me put all of my feelings in perspective. I have plenty of close friends who will listen but because they care so much about me, I know it would be hard for them to put their feelings aside.
Fourth, I plan to make some changes in my life.
Fifth, I will work on forgiving so I won't continue being weighed down.
LAstly, I will start fresh to ensure that I NEVER allow myself to experience this type of hurt ever again.

This is so important because I love my life, I'm a happy person, very seldom do I allow things to get me down and most of all, I have another person to care for. If I'm not all together, how can I be the best mommy to Nina. I want her to experience her mommy at her best.

Today I start my journey...wish me luck!!